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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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I really dont know about a certain girl. Everyone I see as

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I really dont know about a certain girl. Everyone I see as normal, to whom I share the troubles about this woman, say leave and cease contact. I'm just confused. She needs major help with things practical, financial, emotional and I would say has all the signs of Borderline Personality Disorder, or a drug habit. Also, her place in my heart seems to make me weak and sickly like herself. Having said all that, I feel attracted to her anyway. She definately loves me and I dont think she is scheming, but what about reality? Is she capable of responsibility? I really cant see how she is. Her house is unkempt, she is quite unkempt...she put bills ahead of fixing a serious tooth decay, for money which I gave her! One time ( the last time ) I was with her weeks ago, I felt that I could not wait to get away from her. The BPD characteristics became predictable. Everything wrong was my fault, so I had to feel bad, and isnt that control? I never want to feel that again. Is that valid?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.


Hi aurora,

Sure you feelings about all this are valid. In fact, you sound just like someone who is in a relationship with a borderline. They have a way of injecting their chaotic feelings into people who are open to them. What you feel when you get those yicky feelings - that is what she feels like inside of her all the time. If you don't watch out, you can become almost addicted to the drama and intrigue of that chaos, like a puzzle you can't quite solve will have a hold on you.

Just because she's BPD doesn't mean you can't be attracted to her, but it does mean that you need to be reasonable. One of the biggest hallmarks of BPD is very stormy relationships - if that's ok with you, go full speed ahead knowing you'll be on a roller coaster ride for the duration. If you like a more stable form of relationships, she won't be the one for you.

You're reaching out for help and insight, but I suspect you find it almost unbelievable when you're close to the seductive chaos. That is very typical. You'll regret it later if you don't give full weight to the people's opinion you're seeking (your friends). I've heard that story over and over again - people try to talk friends out of a relationship with a borderline, and they don't listen. Years later, they end up in therapy trying to extract themselves out of the chaos, and it can be difficult.

Only you know if your love and enjoyment of the good times are worth the bad times - everybody is different and enjoys differnt things. Your girlfriend's borderline condition may energize you in a way that you like. If so, go for it and don't worry about what people say.


Anna


Edited by Anna on 11/3/2009 at 4:16 PM EST
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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thanks Anna. Crap, I havent seen her for ages and she was looking forward to seeing me but I sent her a break up email which hurt me too. But she ran back with 5 long voice mails of crying, sobbing and pleading for explaination and all that. I think now, the question is not about BPD but whether shes just like a bleeting lamb and needs a ug, like maybe she's normal in that way? I dont know. Your answer kind of says the answer is in my hands and thats cool. I just want to know if whether her nasty emails or abuse or just her being really upset. Infact, I dont care about the nasty emails as much as her not crying!! What is this? I'm in a significant moment. Run away?
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.

Aurora,

I'm going to take off my social worker hat right now and tell you what I would tell a friend or relative. Run. You are at a significant moment, and if you can hold tight and run like hell, you'll be happy you did. Sure, she is upset, but she is always going to be upset quickly and in a big way very often. That is my personal opinion.

Professionally, your response to her crying is normal for a compassionate person. All good break-ups hurt, and you wouldn't want it any other way. Its part of it. Yes, she is a person, not just a borderline, and that person is hurting. The BPD is what makes that hurt seem like a parade in the rain - loud and colorful, but uncomfortable to watch even when you know someone in it and would like to see them.

Anna

Thanks for the bonus!

Edited by Anna on 11/4/2009 at 10:30 AM EST
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