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Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now. It is a long distance relationship, and this year would be my last year in school and being away from him, and recently we have talked about settling down when I go back home.

I have been very, very happy with my relationship although it is nowhere near perfect. However, over the span of my relationship, I've gone through several near break-ups which always stem from my boyfriend getting tired of my constant need for emotional support and attention.

But the pattern of our fights is that I have always been the first one to call him to stay. However, I do sense that he does put in effort of making the relationship work, everytime we have a major fall out. In the end, we've always managed to make it work, because deep down I know I love him, and he loves me.

Recently I have been very overwhelmed and stressed out (I am in graduate school) and being very emotionally attached to him, I dragged him down along with me. At the beginning of my bad week, he was so supportive and kept saying how he can't wait for me to come back to him, how much he missed me, and how if I could fight all these coming obstacles and get done with my last year in school, I will be able to get home to him sooner. Throughout the week I feel his attention wavering, and on Friday morning after a fight, he snapped and said that he is tired of the emotional excess baggage that he doesn't need, and told me to go 'fix myself' and 'call him when I'm ready'. Agreeing to this, I did not attempt to call or text him within the next 24 hours.

However, I panicked and called him the next day, but he refused to talk to me. I tried getting in touch with him a few days after, but he has either been curt or has not responded at all. I have restrained myself from crying and trying to call him again, because I am disappointed of getting hurt. So far it has been five days that I have not had any contact with him, at all.

But right now I know I really love him, and it's been very hard for me to get up in the morning and face the day knowing that I might lose him forever.

I know I should give him space, but how long do I wait? I am afraid that he will never call me back, and as much as I think I want to be strong for this, I am falling apart into pieces and miss him so, so much.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.

Hi Stellar,

I think that you've got some issues that would be best worked out with a counselor. If your emotions have damaged this relationship, your first priority would be for you to "fix yourself" so that you can be available for an ongoing adult relationship.

He may be scared of the long distance relationship getting too close for comfort as you round the bend toward coming home. Either way, I would make an appt with a counselor and then call to tell him that you've done that and are serious about being on the same level as he is emotionally. You can do both of those today.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
For the length that I've been keeping my distance away from him (about a week now) I have managed to pull through some tough days of school just fine, although I barely made it through. I have also talked to a counsellor and am learning ways to make myself better, in terms of being more emotionally independent.

Should I really call him now? My head is full of what-if questions... I am scared that he has made a decision and is just waiting for my call to let me know... this has happened so many times before and I'm afraid that he will no longer stick around...
I really want him back in my life, but I'm not sure what I should do.

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