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Anna
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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My fiance of 7 years said he was miserable & left me 6 months

Customer Question

My fiance of 7 years said he was miserable & left me 6 months ago.He contacted an old girlfriend & was creating another life for himself with her for a month before he left.While telling me he was trying to work it out with me,but was in constant contact with her during that time even when we went away & saw her too. Our time together was what I thought to be special.We developed a business & lived together & made a life.Got through an addiction he had the 1st few years & even a serious medical treatment he needed.We were close & had ups &downs as most do.I always had a fear of losing him as it happened in the past years before.He always professed he loved me and he would never hurt me like that as "he knew it would kill me".He spent about 6 months with this other woman & now were trying again. He says that there is no difference between promising to spend 20 years with her after 6 months &promising to spend life with me after 7 years.The expectation,commitment &hurt are the same.True?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.


Hi note,

I'm not understanding the sequence here.

He spent about 6 months with this other woman & now were trying again.


Do you mean that he saw her, then dated and asked you to marry him, hooked back up with her for 6 months and now the two of you are trying again?

If so, I don't understand the question...The expectation, commitment & hurt are the same for what 2 things?

Anna
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

no, he left me and saw her for about 6 months and now were trying again. We were together 7 years enaged for about 5. We were still together and "trying" for a month before he left, but he wasnt trying, he was planning his move and speaking romantically with her...he even saw her several times.

the expecatation, commitmant and hurt are the same for her and me.

he saw her 6 months, but promised 20 years....the same as 7 years together and a commitment to our lives together.

Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.


I think that the hurt is just that: hurt. He hurt both of you. Who has more pain isn't an important thing, but the fact that he was willing to juggle two women's lives around is not a strong character trait.

Both of you have alot of trust issues to work through, and it might serve you to see a counselor to help you structure up some boundaries and expectations so that both of you can be safe as you try to rebuild.

Anna

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
no the question was ~ was his level of commitment to her the same as his level of commitment to me. And is she justified in having the same level of expectation from him as I?
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
are you involved professionall in relationship counseling? is that your main profession??
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.


Only he can tell you that, and he may not know the truth himself, and he may not be honest with you about it either.

. His stated level of commitment was a falsehood to both of you. On your side, your understanding of his commitment to you was to believe what he said. Unfortunately his words and actions weren't in line.

Is she justified in having the same level of expectation from him as you? Of course. She believed him also, and expected him to be honest about his commitment to her. You were both let down hard.

If you click on my name, you'll go to my profile which has my credentials, license information and work experience. I am in private practice as a counselor and also do organizational psychology and bussiness consulting.
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
your just not understanding the question

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