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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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Four months ago I discovered that my husband of 36yrs. had

Customer Question

Four months ago I discovered that my husband of 36yrs. had been having an affair. Somehow I got through the trauma for our daughter's wedding & have kept his secret in order to try to salvage our marriage. I know the affair is over, but I also know he maintains contact with her. He assures me he is full of remorse that it was not worth the pain & guilt & that he wants us to remain together. We sleep in the same bed, have night & morning cuddles, but I just cannot go further physically. Every night I still 'see' pictures of them together in my head. I feel sick, repulsed, rejected, unloved, unattractive & every negative emotion going. It's eating away at me like a cancer & I cannot seem to stop it. I am a primary school teacher & can cope whilst at school, but now that half term is here, I've hit rock-bottom again. I'm due to retire next year: how can I get my sanity back to start the next phase of my life??
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 7 years ago.

Good Morning,

 

What you are describing is a natural response to what had taken place. Initially it makes sense to feel shock, then anger then grief and acceptance. Trusting someone who had broken your trust is not easy especially when it is your husband of 36 years.

He may be sincere of his desire to remain in the marriage and you are wondering about his reason(s) for this.

You have done nothing wrong but it is what women feel when their husband had been unfaithful. They feel that they are to blame somehow and feel rejected and unattractive and undesired. The truth remains though, that he had made a decision to do something and had acted out on it.

Perhaps you could inquire if marital counseling is something he would be willing to engage in with you. An objective counselor can help you two sort out feelings, fears and plans for the future.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I know & understand all this. If I speak to my doctor, I will undoubtedly be in tears & be prescribed pills for depression which I definately do not want. We both agree that a marriage guidance counsellor would not help. It's the pictures in my head I need to stop. If I can overcome that, then possibly I could regain the physical side to my marriage.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 7 years ago.
Yes. Being bothered by this and being affect is difficult and in your case justified response. It seems that both of you know what is it that you would like to do and as you regain your trust of him with time it is possible for the images to decrease as to where they would not case emotional pain. You did nothing wrong and now have found yourself depessed. If not marriage counseling, perhaps counseling for you to get your feelings under control without medication could help.

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