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Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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My boyfriend of 7 months would rather masturbate than have

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My boyfriend of 7 months would rather masturbate than have sex with me. I do not have a problem with maceration, I do myself sometimes but when I get excited and play around with him, trying to arouse him, he brushes me off. But an hour later he is playing with himself right beside me in bed or on the couch or watching a porno when he thinks I am sleep. We talked about it before and he said he really wants this relationship to last and doesn’t want things to get boring in the bedroom. I have also come from a long term relationship so I know how ‘boring’ it can get but I don’t know if I should accept that as a reason. He says he loves me and thinks I am beautiful and it has nothing to do with being attracted to me. I don’t know what to think. Is that a plausible excuse? It is effecting me as a ‘woman’ I feel ugly, like I don’t turn him on, like he isn’t interested in me that way, like I am inadequate in bed. I am hurt when he would rather pay with himself than a woman totally eager to please him. Is there hope for our relationship or should I just get out now?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.

Hi Rachela,

It sounds like your boyfriend has a classic case of sex addiction with porn and masturbation as his "drug of choice". When its progressed to the point where relational sex is discarded and solitary sex is chosen, its very advanced. The good news is that there is help for both of you and a good chance to recover the lost intimacy in your relationship.

Check out these sites and you'll begin to understand what is going on in your life.

Is he sexually addicted?


For him

If he cannot or will not get help, then you should still get support and understanding for what you've gone through so that you don't choose a man with this problem again. After reading some of the first site, you'll be amazed at how predictable your situation is! It can be quite humbling.

If I can help further, let me know. If you would, please fill out the feedback form after accepting. Thanks,
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Those sites were informative, thank you.

Do you feel counciling is the only way to make this better or might talking about it with him help him?

Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.

Talking about it with him will help him understand he has a problem and that you won't be taking a back seat to his masturbation any longer. There are SA groups all over the country that he can join, and help online. Let him read that one site that has the link for him.

Counseling will only help if the therapist is familiar with sex addiction, and many aren't. So make sure you ask, and then ask what their treatment expectations are, and how many sex addicted couples they've treated. It isn't the same as other addictions, so many addictions counselors don't have the expertise to treat it, but think they do. Use someone with experience.

Take care and keep reading for your own benefit - it will do you wonders!

Anna and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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