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Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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I have significant trust issues. Not only from previous relationships

Customer Question

I have significant trust issues. Not only from previous relationships but also from my "current relationship." I haven't seen my ex-girlfriend in about a month and we've maintained touch and go contact, "I miss you's" and such and we are supposed to get together for a heart-to-heart tomorrow and see if we can't work things out.

We've been dating about seven months, and for majority of that (if ever) she never called me her boyfriend. She had broken up with an ex when we got together so I understood it for a little while, but it got a little troubling near the end. Two months in I caught her in a lie and she admitted to kissing another man, and at this point I already had a key to her place and she had told me she "loved me." I chose to try and forgive her and move on. There have been many times that question her dedication to is. A week after we "broke up" she went on a road trip to Laguna Beach with another guy. There's much more to it but I have no room. How can I beat distrust?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.
Hi rcross,

You don't want to beat this mistrust - it's an accurate assessment of your current situation. Your gut is pounding a drum, but you don't want to listen to it. There is no magic here, nor mystery: she's seeing another man and/or has been open to seeing other men. She just ins't mature enough to talk to you about it honestly and to tell you that she's not ready for the responsibility of a monogamous relationship. She's showing you, and you need to listen to her behavior, not the words or mixed messages.

When you don't trust an untrustworthy person and you think it's a problem that you have, you're likely to have traits of codependency. What would serve you much better would be to honor your gut feelings more and trust them. It's not an accident that she went on a road trip with another guy a week after you broke up. She wanted to do this with another guy and did. Sure, she may love you, but that doesn't mean she's dedicated to your relationship. Her behavior shows that she isn't ready - she sends you mixed messages because she's not settled on one side of the fence. "I love you and want to go away with another guy and here's a key to my apartment and I'll be there except for when I'm on dates and road trips."

Look at the link on Codependency above, and then look at how you can deal with core trust issues. Trusting yourself is an important skill, and we all can learn it.

Good luck with your talk. Hang in there and beleive that you're worth the best life has to offer - you are.


Anna and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
What is a constructive way to be able to address these things? Everything you say makes sense, it's something I've always said about myself...that my intuition is almost always spot-on, even though I'd like to be wrong sometimes.

I don't want to come across so blatant as an "ultimatum" but if she is serious about this at all, I want to know without making it seem like I'm attacking her. I suppose honesty is the only way to really approach it, and I hope to get the same in return.
Expert:  Anna replied 7 years ago.
Hi rcross,

You do have good intuition, and I can see why you don't like it! :) You're on the right track. Don't worry about your delivery, because if she is dedicated to your relationship, nothing will stop her from finding a way into your heart. If she gets you on a technicality, then she was looking for a way out, and nothing you could do would change that. Don't delay the pain - it only makes it worse.

If you talk to her and feel the least bit like she gave you a shaky answer, she did.

Take care, and TRUST YOUR GUT! :)

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