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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  PHD LPC
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Hi I am a bit worried because I kissed another lad on a night

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Hi I am a bit worried because I kissed another lad on a night out and I have got a boyfriend, however he knows and hes forgiven me, however what I am worried about is when I was in high school a lad turned round and said I was a crap kisser because it was sloppy and it really hurt my feelings, my boyfriend has never said that i am a bad kisser however the guy i kissed knows some of my friends quite well and im worried he may turn round to them and say i was a bad kisser and what im worried about is my boyfriend doesnt know that the person i kissed was someone that my friends knew and im worried that they are know going to know again that i am still a bad kisser and my boyfriend doesnt know that they know and if he did he i would of thought he wouldnt want to be with me, and also my mates will probably be thinking well why is he with her if im a crap kisser, do you think i should find out if he definatly did say it about me, i really dont know what i would do if he has said it.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi

I wouldn't worry about your "kissing" past . Maybe when you were in high school that sort of thing was more important. You kissed another guy and all has been forgiven. Don't fret over the what if's. You aren't in high school anymore. What you are feeling is a bit of guilt (even though you've been forgiven) so you are being hard on yourself. I would not worry about anyone other than how your boyfriend feels about you and obviously there is no problem there if he is still with you! The rest is all moot. ...if they kissed you back they liked it! I hope this helps.
Dr. Keane
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Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you for your response but i am still a bit worried becuase i was drunk at the time and i dont remember the kiss, so its not like i can even say i didnt slobber all over him cus i dont remember! I just cant bear my friends knowing that im still a bad kisser and i just dont think i deserve to be with him. i have been with him three years know and i live with him and im worried that everyone knows I am still a bad kisser and its so embaressing. I want to ask my friend if the bloke said anything but i dont in a way because im scared of what she might say. Plus one of my friends goes out with one of his mates so if his mate finds out that im a bad kisser then its even worse im just going to be a laughing stock

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi

If you were to ask one of your friends abut it what purpose would it serve other than to possibly make you feel worse? Could this entire situation really be about you beating yourself up? What makes you think you don't derserve to be with your boyfriend? If he didn't like your behavior or wasn't capable of forgiveness he'd let you know .
As far as you being the laughing stock because of your "kissing" style that is a bit of an obsession eh? The best thing you can do is to tell yourself that it's over and let it go. If you keep obsessing over it, you are going to blow the entire event out of proportion. If you were that bad you would have heard about it by now. So stop beating yourself up. Try and focus on something that makes you happy and just be happy. Worry does nothing but make you feel bad and anxious.
Dr. Keane
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Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I appreciate that but I havent seen my friends since I kissed him! I also had two bad experiences in high school and once you get called in high school washing machine or fish it kind of sticks for the rest of your life. And how can i be in a relationship with someone knowing that people still might belive that about me, because I have kissed blokes since high school, some blokes more than once, the majority being on nights out and i have been in one more realtionship previously to the one im in now, but they were never people that spoke to my friends so I dont know if they said it about me or not and also if that bloke did say it about me and obvioulsly the blokes in high school did its not looking good for me because my two friends that I am on about new about the two blokes in high school because I went to high school with them and if they now know about this bloke as well the same friends, its obvious that I have always been a crap kisser and its not a coincidence and they will realise that I havent changed
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
High school certainly left it's mark on you didn't it......as I said before if they didn't like the way you kissed they would have stopped kissing you .....just remember high school is over, move on and enjoy this time in your life, good kisser or not! If you are fixated on this problem ask your boyfriend about your kissing...and remember you have other qualitites that far outweigh the kisser. Focus on them!! Can't do anything about the high school friends anymore... people will only talk about you (if they do at all) until the next bit of gossip comes their way....
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

The thing is though I am still worried because I just don't remember how I kissed him and not only that but sometimes when I do kiss my boyfriend only occasionally but sometimes my lips do feel a bit wet afterwards is this normal? I mean what if I did kiss this bloke really badly and there was saliva everywhere? Im going to get known as washing machine again and whats even worse is I don't see my mates very often at all because of work and things and the next time I am going to see them is on a night out and the bloke I kissed will be coming out with us to but the problem is they will all get ready round my mates house, and if I don't go I am worried that they will all be talking about it and the mates house that they get ready at is also where my boyfriends good mate lives and that was the mate I was worried about before finding out. I just don't think I can get passed this, because I know sometimes that I must be a sloppy kisser but maybe my boyfriend doesn't mind because most of the time the kisses are okay, but what if on this one occasion when I kissed that bloke I was sloppy he is going to think I am a sloppy kisser all the time and if I am a sloppy kisser sometimes does that make me a bad kisser

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi

You can get passed this even if you are feeling embarassed, or if you think you are a bad kisser. What is going on here is that you are obsessing over a kiss, sloppy, or wet, great or "eh", not so great. As long as your boyfriend doesn't mind your kisses that should really be all that matters. Having said that I do believe you might have OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder, which is an anxiety disorder. The fact that you have been so worried about this incident leads me to suggest that you ask your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist so that you can find out for sure what is going on. OCD is a pretty common anxiety disorder especially in terms of recurrent invasive thoughts such as you are experiencing.
In the meantime if you would like to stop thinking about this incident and your kissing style I can suggest a "quick fix" that may help, at least for now. Since these thoughts are intrusive, can come into your mind at any time the exercise I am going to suggest can help you stop them or least slow them down. If you practice this exercise you can actually get rid of the thoughts completely, although once you are all together with your friends on a night out they may recur (but can be halted)...
This is called "thought stopping" ....and here's how you do it. When you start to think about your kissing (or any obsessive thought) tell yourself to STOP! literally. If you are alone you can say it out loud, scream it if you have to...then pick another wonderful thought, something completely different, something you like, think about your boyfriend, another great experience, anything but the kissing....focus on that thought only (it takes a bit of practice) and anytime the kissing thought starts to creep back into your mind push it away and think about your good thought. Once you get a referral to the psychiatrist he/she can recommend a good therapist to help you, a cognitive behavioral therapist is what you want.
Now, to answer your concerns from your last post. It's been quite awhile since I've been 22 yrs old but I do remember a few embarassing kisses myself....wet lips? well it's normal as long as you enjoyed the kiss and you didn't have "drool" driping down your neck.(That is suppose to be humorous, another "trick" to use when you are feeling self conscious or want to diffuse an uncomfortable situation). If they do talk about you and you hear it, just laugh (as uncomfortable as it may be for you) Once you can laugh about it, you are taking a different perspective on the situation and before you know it it will be put to rest. Remember, the botXXXXX XXXXXne on this kissing issue is you and your boyfriend, if you both enjoy it then you are good. This site can't provide the counsel that is necessary to really convince you that you are okay, after all how do you evaluate "kissing" , for all we know maybe 90% of people are wet sloppy kissers!!! You can only go on your experience. So go and enjoy your friends, your boyfriend and your kissing...You will be fine. Do try to get some counseling though, you may worry about other issues to the same extent you have this one. I wish you all the best!!!
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: PHD LPC
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I don't think I need counseling I just feel I have got a valid reason to think about this considering my past, also I remember when I kissed my ex once not all the time but just once there was a bit of a sloppy kiss there. And to me its not just worrying over a kiss because one of the friends I mentioned before goes out and lives with my boyfriends best mate, so once she finds out that im a rubbish kisser my boyfriends best mate will know and he isn't one for keeping things to himself so I know that he will tell his mates who are also my boyfriends mates. I feel like im never going to be able to face my boyfriends best mate again or any of his mates cus all they will be thinking is sloppy kisser, and its not like I can turn around and say oh well it was just a one off sloppy kiss because I was drunk because my mate knows my past and knows ive kissed other blokes and I have been crap @ kissing them to, so her boyfriend will know its not a one off cus she will tell him that and again he will tell other people and again all his mates will know, along with all my mates. So do you see why im worrying I just wish I hadn't of made the mistake of kissing that lad then none of this would be happening. Also the bloke that I kissed I think he was about 18 maybe 19 or 20 and he was sober and surely him being younger proves that the kissing thing would be a big deal to him and also cus I was drunk I don't even remember if he did pull away or not my mates never said anything but I just don't know

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi
Okay, so this is the only issue you are so worried about. What's wrong with using humor to diffuse the situation, after all you were drunk and we all do things when we are drunk that we wouldn't do sober. You are giving way too much power to this friend. First of all, if she's a friend she shouldn't judge you this way. Secondly, if all your boyfriends mates care so much about your kissing style then they have way too much time on their hands. If it's because you fear they are going to tease you about kissing then you have to tell them point blank, it's over, get over it, give them their minute and move on. I hope you aren't going to worry yourself sick until you see these friends again. You are beating yourself up over it and it's not healthy. You can face his friends and you will face them again. I see why you are worrying and I am trying to reassure you that it's not going to be earth shattering or the end of your relationships with your friends. Try using the thought stopping I explained in my previous post, hopefully that will lessen your anxiety over this situation. A sense of humor will help too. At your age I understand how this is affecting you, it's quite obvious from your posts. The botXXXXX XXXXXne is to ask yourself what is the worst thing that can come of this besides being embarassed? Put it in perspective and put yourself first, not what other people will think of you. You made a mistake, you live with it the best you know how. Every mistake we make is a learning experience, you learned from this so now you take what you have learned and use it in the future. It's part of the process of growing up, unfortunate as it may make you feel right now.
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: PHD LPC
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
The thing is though i didnt have a very good time of it in high school people used to be quite harsh to me and take the piss out of me one way or another and also there was another incident when another lad said i didnt do something properly as well, In a way i wish I didnt see these friends anymore because each time I do its just a reminder of that. And what makes it worse is its not like i can get over my past becuase I am know thinking my friends still think im that girl in high school because of the kiss and not only that but im truly worried that the friend that lives with my boyfriends friend will tell him not only about being a rubbish kisser but because also it will make her remember things that have happened with me in the past and shell tell him about the othertwo lads but not only that shell tell all the other stuff that happened to me as well and also im worried that her boyfriend will say something to my boyfriend about it but also if he doesnt he will always know all this stuff about me and its just horrible
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi,
let me ask you a couple of questions.

What do you do now as far as work is concerned?
Have you met any new friends since you left high school?
Why are you still friends with these people?
Who do you live with?
What life goals do you have for yourself?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I work in an office, I have new friends but not many cus drifted from college friends cus they all had babies and stuff. Not sure y i am friends with them, but its a bit hard not to be friends with one of them as she goes out with boyfriends mate. I live with my boyfriend. i eventually want to do something in marketing

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi,
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX in a tough spot having the friend so close to your boyfriends mate. It still sounds like she is capable of victimizing you again. So, you have to tell yourself and believe it (that's the hard part) that you are not still that girl in high school. If they say anything to you or tease you try your best to understand that it's them that are acting like they are still in high school. I would encourage you to try and spend as much time with others (I know it's hard due to your boyfriend), new friends that have not judged you or ridiculed you the way your old friends did.
She has you walking around on eggshells doesn't she? I hate to see you so worried over this, it's not good for you! If you don't feel counseling is necessary would you consider reading a self help book on self esteem? It seems that in this group, in this instance your self esteem is naught. If all this high school stuff is in your face how do you feel you are going to grow and move on to being a successful, happy young adult? Being stuck in this group is pulling you down and reminding you of the past.
So what can you do? You spoke before about talking to her, if you do that will it make it more than it already is or can you trust her to keep your talk confidential. I am not sure you can trust her, remember they act way more juvenile than they are.
You need a plan. Something that will take the focus off this incident. One reason I suggested therapy to you is that you would learn techniques from a cognitive behavioral therapist to allievate the angst you are feeling in this particular situation. A therapist isn't suggested because you have a "mental problem" I suggested it because you are stuck in a situation where you can't find a solution that isn't going to bring your past into the limelight and you can't stop thinking about the "what if's".
In my therapy practice I teach people to change the "what if's" to "so what's". What is the worse possible thing that could come of this incident? We talk about all the possibilities and by talking about them the patient realizes that it isn't the incident itself, it's the perception of others and once that's realized it doesn't seem as personally threatening.
I hope this helps.
Dr. Keane

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I mean I would like to think that if she was going to tell him anything about my past she would of done already cus she does tell him everything but as I have said because this kiss thing has only just happened, it will bring back other stuff to tell him! Also the other friend that I was telling u about they have only recently well about a year and a half ago become friends again and there both as bad as each other cus I know what there like they will discuss certain stories and my friend will have it in her mind then and just tell him. And I no my boyfriend wouldn't b with me if he knew cus he wud think very differently of me

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi,
Are you sure your boyfriend wouldn't be with you because of what they say because if this is true, then he doesn't deserve to be with you. The past is the past, you were a kid in high school...I have to say this entire bunch of friends certainly don't sound like the friends you need or should want.
You may want to have a good conversation with your boyfriend one of these days and let him know how badly you were treated and that for them a good story is one that will hurt someone else. You don't have to elaborate on the details but this will give him an idea of what they are like.
They all need to grow up and act like young adults, not high school chumps.
Sorry you had to go through all this, it has really taken it's toll on your self esteem.
Dr. Keane
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Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi

 

Thanks for the advice, i am still worried about things i havent thought about what happened to me in high school for a long while untill this kiss seems to have bought it all back! Its just so embaressing because imnot even sure if my friend that goes out with my boyfriends best mate even knows what that lad or lads said about me or the other embaressing thing that happened but i know that if it comes out that i kissed this lad badly then my friend will bring up the other stuff and tell her and she will also tell her boyfriend. I mean the friend that knows what the lads said in high school im meeting up with this week, do you think i should ask her what the lad said or do you think i should just ask her if shes been discussing with my friend stuff about high school especially the kissing thing and then il know that she has told her and il know that my boyfriends mate will know. I know im not that girl in high school anymore I was for some reason very disliked and people used to take the piss out of me. I couldnt really get a boyfriend in high school but since i have left high school I have had no problems getting one. I have only had three boyfriends but they have been long term relationships, despite that fact though because of this being on my mind and im worried what people still might be thinking about me i just cant get passed it, im not eating properly ive just lost the will to live at the moment. My boyfriend says how much he loves me and everything but i just keep thinking if he knew what people might be thinking about me he wouldnt be sayiing it especially if his best mate knows. I just honestly wish the two friends wernt friends i really do.

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi

I was hoping that you had met up with this bunch by now and that the entire issue was over. I see from your latest post that this is not the case. Let me try to quickly explain to you why you may have been taken advantage of in high school. People will tease, bully, treat people badly when they get a reaction from that person. It's as though they pick one person (unfortunately it was you) and they suck the life out of you because you were easy to do it to...You wanted to be part of the school experience.You can't go back and do it over but if you could and you reacted with indifference to their taunts the outcome may have been different. Once you were out of high school you realized how likable you are and had boyfriends to validate you and you were pretty much okay until this incident brought a flood of feelings that are related to your high school experience. Life will do that. There are times along the way that something that happened years ago will hit us smack in the face, for you this is one of those times. It happens to everyone in one way or another. Remember I suggested therapy? This is one of the things you would be able to learn to handle but I respect your feeling you don't want to go that way. There is a lot of "traffic" in your head and it's causing you to feel depressed, that is you have lost the will to live (I hope that isn't true, just a feeling right now). You are fragile right now and need a lot of validation and your boyfriend is giving it to you. You fear about the results of him thinking differently of you if he "knows" what people are thinking is totally irrational and it's hard for anyone to convince you differently.
If you really feel the need to speak to this "friend" when you see her this week, do it with a knee jerk, slap your thigh comment. Something like, aren't you glad we aren't in high school anymore, boy that was really pissy for me. I'm glad it's over. You can mention that the lad experience made you think back to high school and gave you a big chuckle. By tossing it aside as something humorous, she will believe you aren't concerned about it and that's what you want. Does that make sense to you? If they see you aren't worried or obsessing over the event then it will just fade away. You self esteem right now has tanked and you really would do well if you could find the right therapist (I know, but can't help myself, it's what I do) and from the posts you and I have had I know you would not only do well with therapy but you would learn so much. You sound like such a fun person and I don't want you to lose your spunk. This is pulling you down and taking way too much time away from thinking about other, happier things, like your boyfriend, your goals. Wish I had a magic wand for you to wave and it all go away. All I can do is try to get you to see this differently and not let random people, those you are not particularly happy to have as friends impact your life this way.
I hope this helps.

Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: PHD LPC
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I do think I am a nice person and I do have a few friends who I can trust but unfortunately when you have been through it in high school it does knock your confidence, I know what these two girls are like, they are not grown up at all they still go on about high school like it was yesterday, I just wish I hadn't kissed that lad because it's the not knowing which makes it worse. Cus I went out with this one lad in high school and we fell out and he was horrible to me like really horrible he was the one that said about my kissing and also about something else that I did to him and he told my friend that im seing this week all about it and I just think if that lad says im a bad kisser it will make her remember everything he said and it will all become true and then my other friend will find out and then in turn my boyfriends best mate, I obviously don't deserve to be happy, everyone else around me is happy and can get on with there lives aprt from me why, wat did I do wrong, and do you know it was my fault y this bloke finished with me, it was over something I felt was silly but looking back it was very selfish because we were out on a school trip and he wanted the photo and I wouldn't let him have it because I was on it and because of me hating the way I looked I wouldn't let him have it and I wudnt give him his wallet and I know it was selfish but I still don't think I deserved him to be horrible and say all those things about me and be pretty much horrible to me for the rest of school or do u think know u no that. That I did deserve it

Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi,

Why do you think you don't deserve to be happy? Because you made a mistake? Did something that looking back you would have done differently? Do you realize that life is all about making mistakes and learning from them? Your high school experience was very traumatic for you and you didn't deserve the treatment you got from your old boyfriend, no one deserves to be treated horribly, the act didn't warrant the punishment and treatment you received. You did move on though didn't you? You found a few nice long term relationships and it wasn't until this last incident and the way the old friends (who I do hesitate to call friends) seeped back into your social circle. So, what do you need to do now? Get that confidence up and get rid of all the negative, self hating thoughts you have running through your head. Start a mantra for you....I am a good person, I deserve to be treated well....once you fight the instinct you have to put yourself down all the time and believing that you deserve better and start thinking positively about YOU then slowly you will be able to put the past where it belongs, in the past and away.
Not knowing can eat at you- if you let it. Don't let it. There are many techniques that you can practice to help you overcome your insecurities. You can give some time each day to beat yourself up over this and then put it away, if it comes into your head...put on music, think about something good....anything to push this aside. Once you are done reading this post put the entire experience out of your head until tomorrow. If you feel you need to, give it 10 minutes a day, that's it. Finished. Done. Go on with only positive thoughts allowed attitude and it will make you feel a bit better.
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: PHD LPC
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I Just think if i hadnt of acted like i did that day then he wouldnt of bad mouthed me 2 my friends and i wouldnt still be worrying about it till this day. I just wish i was somebody else not this girl that got bullied, did stupid things, couldnt kiss and probably still cant, i just hate it its horrible I dont want to lose my boyfriend i think it really will send me over the edge but if his mate will know all about me in high school and what that lad said recently and what the lad said in high school and i think for that reason its best i just finish it cos of the way i feel about myself know i just think its best im on my own and then i dont need to worrie everyday what his mate will think of me and i dont need to worrie about him finding out. I obviously am not a nice person and i think before long he will realise that anyway, and just the fact of what happened in high school if he finds out because know u think im being irrational but if u had been let down by friends like i have in the past you would understand why. he will know im a bad kisser and so will everybody else and while my boyfriend may not mind my kissing i dont think he would be to happy to find out that all his mates now know im not a good kisser and also that they know what the horrible lad and all the lads said about me in high school he would be like they said what? bother way my boyfriend is older than me by almost ten years, just thought id add that in!
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, well you know that I believe you are beating yourself up over something that can't be changed.
And,...if yur boyfriend is older it may be he is a bit more mature and loves you for you no matter what your high school days were like. There were traumatic for you but worry doesn't change a thing, it can only make you beat yourself up more, which you are managing to do.
Give yourself some relief from thinking about this for awhile.
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
well what i was thinking was, was to maybe ask my friend that goes out with my boyfriends best mate next time i c her is has our other friend been in the last couple of weeks said anything else 2 u, or told u any embaressing stories in high school, and then ask her if she tells her boyfriend what she says to her, then il know if shes said anything and il also know then if anything was said about the kiss, cus i really just want 2 ask if he said anything about the kiss but i cant really can i
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, the problem with asking her is that it will bring it to her attention and if he didn't say anything to her you are bringing it up, if he said something and she is the type to talk, then she would say something to you and not hold it back. I really wouldn't say a word to her about it. I hope you see all these friends soon, this is really taking way too much out of you and stressing you something awful, you know my thoughts on the need for therapy, it really would help you deal with the trauma of high school once and for all. You'd feel better and be better able to handle situations like this.

Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: PHD LPC
Dr. Keane and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
The thing is i no i mentioned high school before but i dont think that its wat happened to me in high school is the problem i think its just the fact i dont want ppl that i no now to no wat happened, if i knew there was no way my boyfriensds mate wud find out i wud b fine, which is y i need to no if my other friend has said anything to this friend and i just think if i ask my friend if my other friend has said anything in the last couple of weeks about high school or about me i think she may not def but she may tell me if she has said anything! cus i just cant bare them knowing im still a sloppy kisser i still kiss like a fish or washing machine and that lad wat i was on about said something else as well in high school that i wasnt very good at and i no def i am good at it now but there not going to think i am if im still a bad kisser and i just dont want my boyfriends mate to no i would rather not b here. and if he nos about the kissing as well wats the point in my existence, i personally dont think thereapy will help cus i will still walk away from it thinking well wat if they no, wat if he knows no amount of therapy will change or make that feeling better or go away.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Okay, so botXXXXX XXXXXne is you want to ask this friend and I dont' think you'll be satisfied until you do. You will not be okay until you know whether anything was said that could be told to your boyfriend. Okay, I can't convince you otherwise so just be aware that if you open this question up and ask her you may get the answer you want that nothing was said or. she may want to know why you are asking. So be careful in your approach. I would rather see you do nothing and let it pass but you aren't going to stop beating yourself up until you find out. Just be prepared for any questions she may want you to answer as to why you are asking. Try and remain calm and "normal" not anxious when you do.
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1696
Experience: PHD LPC
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I mean I dont no how to go about asking her really becuase i am 95 percent sure this lad would of said something, because I was drunk I probably kissed him very differently to how i kiss my boyfriend so maybe thats why my boyfriend doesnt mind my kissing and this lad would of, cus I dont like titling my head to left when i kiss my boyfriend because i dont always feel like im doing it quite right so im thinking if i was drunk i may have done that hence the reason y my boyfiend thinks im an ok kisser and where as this bloke may not have done, which is atchually worse because my boyfriend isnt going to no that everybody esle knows im a bad kisser, also i would like to think that if the lad said i was a bad kisser that my friend would b like oh is she oh well her boyfriend obvously doesnt mind but i no because of what lads said about my kissing in the past he will say she is a sloppy kisser, i kissed him like a fish or even worse washing machine and if he did say i kissed him like a fish well my friend will say it wont be because she was drunk because lads said that about her in high school. I dont no if my other friend has told her boyfriend anything because I asked her not to tell him about the kiss but she may still tell him what lads said about my kissing in high school and also the other thing, so how do you think i should go about asking her, i cant belive i kissed this lad its horrible to think that high school is creaping up on me again, if i hadnt kissed him i would be fine but i have and its just the worst feeling in the world because know everyone is going to remember what those lads said and there goiing to remember and bring up more stuff and if i hadnt of kissed him it would of just stayed where it belongs in the past and i no these girls to well i know if he did say anything they will def bring it up
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
I know that this is getting the best of you because you are totally obsessing over this kissing incident and from this web site I can't do anymore than talk to you about what you can do. You feel so horrible about what happened that unless you either tell your boyfriend yourself that you kissed a guy (he will not leave you for that one event) or come out and and ask your friend if she heard anything there is nothing that is going to make you feel better. As far as you being a lousy kisser and all your past issues you need to give it up. Stop thinking about it. There is nothing you can do short of making a huge issue out of a wet (if it was, you don't even know!!)sloppy kiss.....no one cares about it but you. If they did the gossip would have already been spread. It would be so helpful for you to see someone and talk about this. You said you are 95% sure this lad wouldn't say anything so doesn't that tell you it's probably over and forgotten? You are obsessing over a 5% chance that he talked about you????? Statistically luck is on your side, can't you accept that? I want you to reread your last post to me. Do you see what you are doing? The first part of the post up to where you said my boyfriend doesn't mind my kissing. After that statement you went on with beating yourself up with a scenario that is in your head. You need to say STOP literally outloud every time these thoughts come into your head....replace those thoughts with things like...my boyfriend likes me the way I am now... if you change the focus of your thoughts your anxiety over this may decrease.....you are in the present, no need to focus on things you cannot change like the past. Stay positive and focused. I know you are worried and staying where you are worrying about this is not healthy or productive. How do you manage to get through the day at work with all this in your head? I am guessing it must be difficult.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
It is very difficult! and whats worse is my boyfiend is away working at the moment! he has no idea what im going through! What i meant was there is a 95% chance he would of said something! If my past wasnt my past i probably could get past the fact he said i was a lousy kisser but knowing that these friends know my past and if hes said it then i cant. anyone else could just kiss a lad and that b it, but not me, because my friends no him, and what makes it worse is these are the same friends that no my past and even if he just said she wasnt a very good kisser i no my friend will ask questionnes like y wasnt she? and then hel say everything im dreading. I was absolutley fine before this and now im at rock bottom. I no if i kissed him with my head tilted left it would of been sloppy, its just horrible because i am never going to no if anything has been said, me and my boyfriend will probably be together for a long time but how can i b with him and stay with him for years wen il never no and always be worried about this? I cant just stop thinking about it i just cant becuase i no he said something i just no and i no my friend will b like well she was a rubbish kisser in high school like a fish, washing machine, the bloke that i fell out with turned round and said to her it was like swolowing a cup of spit, he was horrible and what im saying is the friend that knows this guy better than my other friend knows that, that guy said that about me in high school, so she will tell my other friend what that bloke said about me in high school becuase ive got a feeling my other friend doesnt no that he said that about me, neither does she no he said i was rubbish at something else, but she will do as soon as that bloke turns round and says im a shit kisser and she will inturn tell my boyfriends best mate, and even if i asked her not to tell him about the kiss i think she will do anyway and so il be talked about, and worried my whole life. if u were me wud u want tostay with your boyfriend knwing his mates may know all this
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, I'm going right to your last sentence and Yes I would want to stay with my boyfriend even if he knew his friends know all this! Why? Because he would want to stay with me and our relationship is more than one event, it's the sum of all we are! IF you care for each other and IF you are both mature enough to know that in life things happen. We all make mistakes, we all have our own quirky, nutty ways of doing things...we are human and no one is perfect. It really isn't all that big a deal to anyone but you. Forgive yourself! Who cares whether you ever know how or what someone thinks. You need to focus on you and your relationship period. Get rid of the "fluff" that is surrounding you and making you feel so bad about yourself. Start planning your boyfriends return from work and make it special for just the two of you. A dinner, a night out alone. Something that isn't going to make you more anxious. You are spending so much energy on this, use it for something that will make you happy.
What do you think you will say to your boyfriend when he returns and finds you in this anxious state? Relationships are more than what you did in your past, what kind of kisser you are (and you need to lose those words in your head, like fish and washing machine), what you did years ago. Were you always a worrier? Can you try and put this aside, tell yourself what happens, happens. You are so sure this is going to cause you angst and possibly lose your boyfriend. It would take more than high school behavior, sloppy kisses to break up a relationship.
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, question
Where do you live? I am thinking England but would like to know so I can possibly help find you someone to talk to....I know you don't need it..but humor me okay?
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes i live in England near Birmingham (uk). I might b seing tonight the friend that goes out with my boyfriends best mate, i dont think therapy is going to help but what i do think is if she brings the night up i could just say did that boy say anything nto necceserily about the kissing but about the night and then if he did say anything bout the kissing she might tell me also i could ask her has my other friend said anything embaressing lately about high school, and if so has she told her boyfriend or do you not think thats the right approach?
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
I am not sure if you want to mention high school straight on. If you want to ask about the kissing , well, not want to but have to!!! ....wait until she brings up the night and say...oh wow, just want to forget that night! it was crazy and see how she replies....you can bring high school in by saying something like.....that night brought back a lot of bad memories of high school.....don't elaborate and just see where it goes.....remember to remain calm throughout, don't show them how upset or anxious it makes you....try and laugh it off if you can.....no, I know you can..!!! all this anticipation has your anxiety peaked....I am going to ask a friend of mine if she knows anyone in your area, not that you want to go see anyone but just to have a name for future reference.....
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
i think i need to ask her though has my friend said anything to her about high school recently, or do u not think thats a good approach. i have asked my boyfriend in an email if hes happy with everything i do and he said yes which i spose shud put my mind to rest but he doesnt no that this lad may have said something and he als doesnt no what those lads said bout me all those years ago but then i spose should i still care what they said almost 7 and a half years ago. The only thing i should care about is what that lad said about me over a month ago, cus i no my mate would try and find out if he said anything if he hadnt so even if he hadnt she would get it out of him anyway
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, I think you are making progress! You asked your boyfriend if he's happy and he said yes!! and you are happy with him!!!! If he's is able to tell you that then you have to trust that no matter what, no matter how embarassing your behavior was with the other guy, HE DOESN'T CARE! The only thing you should care about is the your boyfriend and you! You know I don't believe you need to ask her anything right???? But as far as you have come you still want to talk to her? Okay, just do it the way I suggested in my last post..let her bring it up.
I hope you have a very good weekend! Remember do not act nervous and don't drink too much you need to be clear!!!! I'm rooting for you!!!
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
hi i spoke 2 her tonight and i dont no if i have made it worse! we were talking about the past a lot nothing bad but i asked her if she tells her boyfriend things frrom the past and she said yes. i bought the night up a couple of times and i said did anything bad get said cus i have been worried bout it cus i dont remeber wat i said or did and she said she hasnt really spoke to our other friend about it. i also asked her if shes told her boyfriend anything bad or embaressng about the past and her response was well u havent done anything badi n your past. and i cant believe it but i said me and this other friend wen we were drunk once kissed and then i said i dont think it was a proper kiss cus it wasnt it was just us messing around wen we wrre younger it wasnt even a snog but i think me being nervous just said it and so know im even more worried that shel mention that 2 her and shel b like well i dont really remember it but then it will remind her about me kissing the other lads, also i accidently said her boyfriends name instead of my own boyfriends name wen i was talking bout something. so i think i need help!!
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
You didn't make it worse, stop worrying about it....she is probably so focused on her own life you are not that important.....so don't worry about it.....she said you haven't done anything bad in your past!!!!! believe her!!! She really isn't going to run and say something to someone else! so you said the wrong name, big deal....now the night is almost over for you, get some sleep and tomorrow start telling yourself that this is over. No one got hurt, you beat yourself up and you aren't doing it anymore and realize that she doesn't care nor should you.....!!!! If you need help, well .....again.....you know how I feel about what you should try.....therapy and I'm waiting on an answer from a friend in London who has colleagues all over the UK! Meanwhile....as we say in the states...CHILL!
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
hi there, i still havent managed to sort it yet but i think i have found a way that i can sort it i forgot that i used to get on really well with my mates x, not the one that goes out with my boyfriends best mate but the other one and i was thinking what i could do is ask him to ask her if anything was said and i no i can trust him and he will tell me the truth, what do you think? Or which i know is a bit crazy but what about getting someoe to pose as a friend of hers and ask the lad i kissed on facebook out right or not such a good idea? when my friend was round the other night she said that she tells her boyfriend everything and she said her and my other mate always talk about the past so its not good! what do you think of those ideas?
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 4 years ago.
Hi, if you can trust this guy to play it straight and keep your confidence then ask him. Don't do the facebook idea, it could very easily backfire and then where would you be? Go with what you trust. I can't believe you are still sorthing this out. Good luck!

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