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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1766
Experience:  PHD LPC
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My husband and I have been together for 2 years and married

Resolved Question:

My husband and I have been together for 2 years and married for almost 1. We don't fight often but when we do it can be blistering. I have always fought with people, apologized, made up, and moved on. But when we fight my husband is angry and hurt, holds onto his anger, and resents me for a full day or two after, no matter what I do. After a fight this morning he tells me that he is "not cut out for marriage" and I should cut my losses and move on. He will not go for counseling at all. He thinks that if 2 people love each other, and we do, we should be able to make it work without any help. Please, I am not any where near ready to give up on what is really an amazingly wonderful relationship when we don't fight - we fight MAYBE 10% of the time. How do I hang onto my marriage and the man I love more than anyone in my life?
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Keane replied 7 years ago.
Hi and welcome,

In marriage it's about learning how to "fight". Of course counseling would be a big help. In counseling you would learn how to communicate without the blistering arguments. You could go without him, tell him you are going to learn how to agree to disagree or voice your feelings without the anger. You are two different personalities, you get angry, fight, apologize and move on. He, on the other hand is the complete opposite and you probably don't undersand why he doesn't get over it.
Instead of letting the little things build up 90% of the time, try to set some time aside each week and talk about what is good in your marriage and also what, if anything bothers you. Use "I feel" statements . Most of us are very good about attacking others with the word "You", you make me are...etc. Once we start a sentence with the word "you" the person on the other end is put on the defensive. If you start calmly by stating I feel ......(fill in the blank) the other person is not feelig "trapped" or on the defense. It's all in the delivery. You can also agree that if one of you becomes "angry" then you both take a breath, walk away and talk about it when you are calm. There is nothing to be served by "reacting" although it's what we want to do when we "fight". You work on a marriage 24/7. Going to therapy is about learning how to live with another person and be aware of their "style" as well as improving the way you both interact. I hope this helps.
Dr. Keane
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