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Rosemary S.
Rosemary S., Human-Svs/Counseling
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6
Experience:  Masters in Human-Svs- Counseling.
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hellook here it is i have known her for 20 years she married

Customer Question

hello ok here it is i have known her for 20 years she married my best friend from school and i married her best friend she has got a divorce and i'm getting around for mine we have talked about doing things together but hardly ever do she was tring to set me up with a friend from her work but only if she was planning to meet a guy or go on a date so i called her friend and a set up a night out last Friday i never told her anything about it but someone did tell her she avoids my calls most of the work week before Friday if we did talk she would say she'd call me but never did ok 1st ? she knows i'm out with this girl on friday she has avoided me most of the week before her dauther calls me at 8.45 p.m safe to say we are in the middle of the date ( just to b/s per say ) so i here her mom in the background so i asked and she denied that her mom was there so i finished my date and stoped for a drink at local bar at midnight she calls me ask if the date is over and if i will come to her house for a drink with her so can you help ? #2 she doesn't want me to help her do things around her new house quote (she does not want me to think I'm the man there) but calls me Saturday to help her with a door opener now please help me understand this ok next ? in july she tell me I'm moving to fast i need to slow down she just got her divorce and she needs to HAVE FUN tell what does this phase mean now i told her all i;m looking for now is a best friend to do things with we are very much alike ok last thing i;m going to ask is she is on alot of dating sites talking and tring to set up dates it's like she is tring to see if i get upset and if she does set up a date she blows me off thanks
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rosemary S. replied 4 years ago.

10-10-09

 

 

Hi,

 

It appears that your feelings for your friend of twenty years are deeper than perhaps you choose to acknowledge, or even realize yourself. We have all been there.

 

You need to first examine your true feelings for this person. Do you really just want this person to be a 'platonic friend' to have 'non-romantic' fun with, or are you secretly hoping that it will develop into a more serious long-term relationship? Is this person a 'secret long time crush'?

 

As stated above, we have all been there, and it is a good sign that you are seeking a neutral third party opinion, on 'Just Answer.'

 

First, it appears that your friend has given you an important signal when she requested that you are moving too quickly for her.

 

It appears that both of your lives are going through drastic 'transitional stages' in regard to your friend's divorce, as well as your own divorce situation.

 

Perhaps this would be a good time for you to slow down, and 'take one step at a time.'

 

Maybe in six months to a year from now, you can revisit the situation and ask your friend where things stand in regard to how she feels about you. (*In a non-confrontational manner.)

 

Perhaps in that time you may surprise yourself, and discover that your own feelings have changed for this person, or perhaps are different than you had initially thought.

 

At times, when people are experiencing 'important life changes' such as divorce, it can feel more comfortable emotionally to spend time with people we have known for a long time. Sometime, these individuals make us feel safe and secure in their presence. Perhaps emotionally, they bring us back to a time in our past when life

was happier and less complicated.

 

However, at present, it appears your friend has given you an indication that she may be feeling an 'array of emotions' as her life is going through a major change. This is normal. She may need some time to sort out her feelings and attempt to adjust to her new life as a divorced individual. You mentioned that she has a daughter. She may need this time to help her daughter become adjusted to the divorce. (Particularly if her child is still a minor.)

 

This time period may also provide you with the same opportunity to get your own life back in order, emotionally and perhaps financially. (Especially, if children are involved in your own situation, such as working out visitation, etc. Your comments do not indicate if there are kids involved in your own life. If there are children involved, this may also provide you with an opportunity to help them become adjusted to the new phase of their parents divorcing. Especially, if the child, or children, are still minors.)

 

It appears from your comments that your own divorce proceedings are still in the works.

In addition, perhaps you may consider seeking 'professional counseling.' Seeing a therapist may help you in this regard, especially since it appears that your life is going through a major change. Perhaps your 'primary physician', or a 'referral service' at a nearby hospital, or healthcare facility, would be able to recommend a mental heath professional. (Such as a counselor, therapist, psychologist, etc..).

 

If financial affordability is an issue, please remember to mention this when seeking a referral. This may help you find a competent 'mental heath professional' who will charge an affordable fee.

 

Also, perhaps a 'divorce support group' in your area, would be helpful to you. This

could provide you with an opportunity to talk with other people who are currently experiencing a similar situation as you.

 

Good luck, and remember, you are not the only person in the world who is experiencing such a situation.

 

Best wishes,

Rosemary S.

 

Legal Disclaimer: The information provided above, is general information only and is not intended to serve as a long, or short term, professional relationship. By providing the above information, I am not engaging in a 'relationship designee - client relationship' with you. The above information is only intended to provide general information. The fee that you may pay me, is for general information only. No part of this disclaimer can be reproduced, or copied, without the express consent of Rosemary S., the owner.

 

*If you find this information to be helpful, then please click 'accept.' Otherwise, I will not be financially compensated for the time, and effort, I spent on answering this question. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX good luck.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

ok tell me why she was blowing me off up to a week ago Friday and just as i'm out on a date that i never told her about i get a call she's in the background and than at midnight she call asking if the date is over and for me to come over for a drink so the next day she calls first thing in morning and we talk on and off thur the day hey list to this in jan, of this year i was helping alot she knows i love chili she was going to make some for me never did just happens sat. she gets me to come over to put up her garage door opener now i said i would put it up before but NO she told her girls she didn't want me to think i was the man around there but guest what i got (chili) ok a little more so Sunday we talk 6or7 timing i caller her she caller she would ask about my date (i'm not a kiss tell guy) ok so thur wed. we talked 3or4 timing a day had dinner together Thursday morning she worked this girl i was out with and she told her we didn't click i called her that day 2 times first time she told me what the other girl said 2nd time she is short nasty and tells me she has a date this week a guy from the Internet a i told her my feeling about dating on the net so now looks like i'm on the do not answer or call back list

i understand your statements no it's a long time crush i'm not sure of my long term feeling for her but would like to know i just don't understand her yes we will do things , not now i just have to HAVE FUN now, just looking for a trophy help me with this

Expert:  Rosemary S. replied 4 years ago.
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