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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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I have been with my girlfriend for over eight years. To cut

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I have been with my girlfriend for over eight years. To cut to the quick, we are great ROOMMATES.
She doesn't want it this way, but I have not been attracted to her in over six years and really have to psych myself up to have sex with her. We don't talk about it. We get along great in nearly every other aspect of our relationship. We have fun together, support each other and she is a great balancing force in my life. But she is way more into this than I. Her last girlfriend of ten years told her out of the blue that she wanted to date men and it hit her hard. She still mentions it from time to time. Every time I even entertain the thought of leaving, I feel I would absolutely crush her. In my heart I really just want to live alone. I terribly miss my own life and don't have the need to spend every spare minute with my partner. In retrospect, the best circumstances I had in a relationship was a girl I dated that took a job two hours away. We maintained a great relationship because she had her space and I had mine and we looked forward to our weekends together. When she lost her job and moved back to town and in with me, we split up. I feel that in my perfect world, I would be much happier if I could have that with my current girlfriend. I have been putting out feelers for job options with my company in a surrounding state. I love being with her, I just don't want to be with her every single day and plan my time around hers. I really don't want another relationship, I don't fantasize about other people. I just dream of my own place and my own decisions about my life again. It sounds so damn selfish and my partner is anything but selfish.
She isn't a weak person, she won't curl up and die if I weren't here. We both live what I believe are very healthy lives. I just feel like another year with her is another year further from what I feel I should be doing. I can't put my finger on it. If ever there were going to be a life long partner in my life, she would be it. We share the same values in all the important areas and yet maintain our autonomy. She loves my whacky personality and helped me rediscover who I am when I thought I had forgotten that person. She is such an awesome person and everyone thinks we are so rock solid. But I admit, if she asked me to leave today, I would not fight for the relationship. I don't have it in my soul to walk away from her or treat her bad. I feel like such a coward for trying to sneak out the side door and take a job somewhere else and claim that I need to be able to develop my career. (we are staying where we are to care for her 86 year old mother). My partner isn't against moving when her mother dies and knowing my luck, the minute I move away her mother would die and she would be moving in with me a month later. I feel like I am very slowly smothering.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Good Morning,

 

You are touching on few issues here

1) your own autonomy

2) her feelings that do not match yours (in regard to intimacy)

3) your search for meaningful work

 

These are valid issues. It seems that you know what you want but are hesitant because that will afflict her. In the long run though, you will be doing both a favor because if one person is living a lie and is miserable than that is not an authentic relationship. Both of you can be happy otherwise (you pursuing what you wish out of life, her connecting with someone who is more compatible with her )

 

If you are unsure of what to do, the two of you could have couple's therapy (yet that is only helpful if you want to keep the relationship and to improve it)

Otherwise, you may benefit from some soul searching and pursuing what you believe will make you content.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes, all of these things are true and I have considered therapy. I believe my partner would go too. I haven't checked lately, but did not have any luck finding a therapist who deals with lesbian couples. I don't feel it is an absolute necessity, but I think it would be helpful to work with someone who has this experience. My partner has mentioned that she does not want to hold me back professionally and if I can find something relatively close by, we would do the long distance thing until circumstances change. I think it would be a good opportunity to see how I really feel and maybe she too would have a change of heart.

I live in the Charleston SC area, if you can recommend a way to find a counselor here, I may consider going. Thank you for your time.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 4 years ago.

Yes, it is important to work with someone who has experience in the area(s) you're seeking help in.

If you have commercial insurance, you may want to go to the website where they list the providers and they list their specialties. You can also phone the insurance and inquire who has listed that specialty (usually it goes under Gay/Lesbian)

I am not familiar with a specific provider in SC.

Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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