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Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
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Ive had the same partner for the past 10 years, early in the

Customer Question

I've had the same partner for the past 10 years, early in the relationship he asked me to marry him and introduced me to his daughter and family. We broke up for a short period 5 years ago and got back together and have been relatively happy. Problem is he now won't live with me, marry me, let me see his daughter or family. He says this is for "financial reasons" though we're not broke. I can't stand the thought of another Christmas where he stays with his family (daughter, parents, siblings and their parnters) but I am never invited. He won't budge on this even though he knows how hurt I am. What to do, I'm so depressed and feel rejected.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.
Dear Suky,

You are rejected by this man. How can you be happy with a man who cuts you out of so much of his life? Does he have a secret life without you that he's covering up? You've been together 10 years, and you can't go to Christmas with him? No one deserves that treatment.

It's time for you to deal with your codependency issues and food issues. A relationship is owned by two people, not one. You deserve so much more than this. Stop settling for the crumbs this man shows you. You can have an intimate, respectful, equal relationship with a man who shares his entire life with you. I would draw the line with this man and be ready to move on if he's not going to share ownership of the relationship with you. You're only asking for what is normal, and you should get it for free, not with all this heartache.


Please leave feedback after accepting this answer - it is very important to me.

Edited by Anna on 10/2/2009 at 1:04 PM EST
Anna, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience: 29 years experience in addictions & mental health. I'll tell you my honest opinion.
Anna and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.


Feedback for Anna from Suky. Thanks Anna - painful though your resopnse was I couldn't agree more - I've wasted enough time and energy in a relationship thats going nowhere.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Hi again, I confronted this man, Sam, and he has made it clear that nothing is going to change for quite some time - his business needs all his attention at the moment. He's even moving away from the area where I live to a farm about 1.5 hours drive away. He's asked me to go with him but I can't because my children 20 and 14 are very settled here and I've moved away from them with Sam before and things didn't work out - he was never around and my children and I spent a lot of time alone. I told him several months ago that I didn't think our relationship could "handle" another period of seperation. I currently am only seeing him once or twice a week - luckly he's just not availble to see me more often.


I've been seeing a Physcologist and am sorting out my issues and generally feeling much happier. My problem now is that I'm ready to move away from this relationship, even talking about the time I've spent waiting for things to happen, like meeting his daughter, moving in together etc. is painful and I don't want to keep reliving it.


The problem is, because I'm seeing him he thinks everything's fine, when in fact I've given up. I lost my job last year and with the recession things are still very tight in my work area (recruitment). Am desperately looking for work because at the moment he pays my rent because I can't afford it. I'm bankruipt and cannot at present get a lease on my own. I even thought that a shelter would be ok but I have the children to consider. As nasty as it sounds I need to keep having the rent paid until I find work and the only way to do this is to have him continue thinking everything's fine. How do I do this - I'm distancing myself emotionally but still find that being with him, and knowing he's rejecting me, in terms of being in a relationship with me, very difficult. Hate to say it but feel like a prostitute and need some advice. It's very clear that he only wants the relationship on his terms so I don't see hope for the future here. Any advice, please. Many, many thanks Suky

Expert:  Anna replied 6 years ago.
Hey Suky,

Don't think you're not doing something that a million other women with children are doing. Abusive men like financially unstable women - it gives them control. You're caught between a rock and hard place right now, but it won't always be this way.

I think you've got to get your mindset straight: you know why you're still "seeing" him. Don't even get into all the relationship blather. You don't want all of him and you know he only wants a part of you: even trade.

Under no circumstances would I recommend you go and live with him - you'd be further isolated and at his mercy. Especially on a farm.

Do what you have to do. Apply for aid. Work at McDonalds. Anything, but have a plan to move forward.

I came across something the other day and your post reminds me of it. "I deserve something more than the worst I can stand." Keep telling yourself that and remember that it won't always be this way. Hang in there. Keep up with the counselor, and when you want a break from the exhaustion of talking about him, talk about YOU. That's what you're in counseling for anyway - to work on you, not him.

Hang tight: you'll make it through.


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