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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I am married to a wonderful and successful husband- but he

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I am married to a wonderful and successful husband- but he works 7 days a week and we have a very hard time connecting. He is loyal, loving, gentle, and kind. I broke his trust and gave my heart to another person who shares everything the same with me. My husband and I have little in common and grew up very differently. The other guy and I have much in common, but he is struggling very much financially, and has cheated on past girlfriends. He loves me and wants to get married and our connection is unreal. What do i do!? Everyone here hates me too for what I have been doing to my husband and i am afraid if we do try to work things out it will be hard to get everyone's trust and acceptance back. I need help!
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

I can not tell you what to do, only you can decide.....but I can tell you that the choices you have made have gotten you to a cross roads where you must make a decision and go with it. It sounds like your husband loves you, and is a good man you admit as much in your post above. But being a good man and loving you isn't going to make your marriage work.

 

Marriage and relationships are about more then just sexual attraction and feelings. No relationship no matter how much you love someone or feel sexually attracted to them will work if you are not compatible with each other and willing to work on it.

 

The fact is this other guy may have your heart........but have you given your heart to the right person is the real question. He has cheated before on other women, he is going to have a hard time being a supportive partner if he has financial issues and your relationship has started off on shaky ground since your already married.

 

The reality is a relationship with him is going to take as much hard work, if not more then the work you would need to do to make your relationship work with your husband.

 

With that being said, if you have never felt much love or attraction for your husband then its going to be hard to get back what you had little of in the first place. While love is a big part of a relationship the reality is work makes up the bulk of what makes a relationship work. If your not willing to invest yourself into your marriage it will always fail. Of course its hard, he works 7 days a week......but if you really wanted to make it work you would be willing to find a way. The fact that you instead make the choice to find love with someone else makes me question wither you really loved your husband as you should have in the first place.

 

With that we have even more questions........

 

Are you investing your heart into the new guy simply because of what is lacking in your marriage?

 

Do you really love your husband like you love this new guy?

 

Have you ever loved your husband as much as you loved this new guy?

 

Are you willing to give the new guy up in order to give your marriage a real shot?

 

Those are all questions you need to sit down and think about. The reality is right now you are confused at which route you should take. How other people feel about this is of little consequences. While they may be mad at you, the reality is you must do what is best for you...........otherwise your going to resent your choice and feel like you were forced into it by other people. Then your end up in the same position again.

 

No one can tell you what is best for you...............

 

What I would suggest is taking some time for you. Maybe step away from both men for a few weeks so you can clear your head and give some real thought about what you really want and need in a partner. Consider what you need now, and what you need in the future. Then look at both men, and honestly review how those needs apply to both men.

 

Can your husband meet your needs now and in the future with work? If you told him what you wanted and needed would he be willing to do that?

 

What about your new friend, can he meet your needs now as well as in the future. Look at his past, look at who he is. Can he meet your needs......

 

Those are very good questions that need to be answered. While your new friend may be meeting your needs now, can he meet them in the future? And then your husband, if he is not meeting your needs are you interested in giving him the opportunity to try?

 

I know this can be very frustrating and even painful, but you need to make a choice based on your needs, instead of what everyone else wants or thinks is best.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you so much. You have helped me more than my counsleor, parents, or friends with this...

 

I think you are right about taking a break from both and clearing my head. I am driving home for a few weeks to see my friends and family...hopefully that will help. My husband knows about everything and i had to beg and plead for him to give me another try. I do think you are right that you say I may not have ever loved him like I should have in the first place- we were so young when we got married at 23. I just want to make the right decision before kids are in the picture! He is a dr and has allowed me to do my art and paint full time in a studio downtown....which I am SO thankful for. I dont want to hurt him anymore or cause any more of these instances...but I have connected to 2 other guys in the past, but did not take anything as far as I have this time. I feel lonely with a strong desire to connect emotionally to another man since I cant with my husband. He says he is willing to give it a shot and try to learn how to do this with me. I am just scared my heart wont come back for him (if it was even there before...) and that I will always think about what could have been with this new guy. He does get frustrated easily, is emotionally needy (like me), is financially in trouble, and has cheated before but he seems to get and understand me in a way that my husband never has before. (My husband is the complete opposite of this other guy!) I know the answer seems so clear: stay with your husband!!! But I just need to know that my heart can open up and really love him for who he is.... I gues my follow up question is....Can someone LEARN to love someone if they dont? Can I learn to love my husband or if I dont have those feelings are they just plain not there? I have never truly been sexually attracted to him....can I learn to be? Or are there feelings that are just either there or not? I am willing to try...I just dont want to hurt my husband again if down the road after trying for 6 months I still dont have them...and I have lost this other guy who I seem to connect so well to...

Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

Of course the answer seems clear........staying with your husband is almost a given, I mean he is a successful doctor, he gives you everything you could want, he is supportive, and obviously loves you. But at the end of the day if your heart is not his then none of that really matters.

 

As for your new friend, of course things are far easier with him...........he isn't stressed out working his rear off trying to make a successful career so therefore he can be more into you and give you more of what you need.

 

Both of the above statements are not opinions.....they are reality. But at the end of the day neither really matter unless you want them to matter.

 

Can you make yourself love him, the answer is no. No one can force themselves to love someone they do not love. Though on the flip side, if you dedicate yourself to finding the things that made you care for him in the first place, and work hard on finding them again then yes you could fall in love with him. But it has to be something you want to do......you can not force yourself into it. The key is to look at the situation for what it is. What first made you care for him, what was that spark. What are you missing now? Once you answer those questions......and work at finding them again you may find love with him. Is there a guarantee............afraid not. You may find 6 months down the road that you still have no real feelings for him. Its a gamble regardless, I wish I could tell you otherwise but the sad reality is I will not lie to you or tell you what you want to hear to make you happy. If there was guarantees in life, the world would be a far different place.

 

As for the sex, this is a easier answer....yes you can find yourself sexually attracted again far easier then finding love. The key is work as well. Sex therapists and a open mind are often the saving grace when a couple finds they have lost that spark. I am far more concerned with you learning to love him, then the sex part. Just about anyone can find a sexual attraction with some exercises and therapy, but finding love again or learning to love right when there was little to begin with is the real challenge.

 

It sounds like you want to do the right thing..........and I will not lie to you, going back to your husband and working on it would be the right thing to do. But being happy, and finding love seldom has anything to do with "doing the right thing in life"

 

Everyone deserves to be happy, wither that is with your husband or with this new friend or someone else only time will tell. But at the end of the day, do not confuse "doing the right thing" with doing the right thing for you

 

If your not happy, then this situation will continue to repeat itself.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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