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Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience:  USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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Hey Cher my girlfriend of 2 years and i have recently broke

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Hey Cher my girlfriend of 2 years and i have recently broke up and im not sure if i should try to restart things or move on. She cheated on me and lied compulsivly about her past/life when we first started dating, but then said it stopped, and did it because she was emotional damaged form her past. through out the next year and a half i caught her lying and hiding many things mostly involving men, conversations and lying about where she was/hanging out with. I recently told her i needed space to get over these things if she really loved me, and within 1 week of this she went online, met an older man and hung out at his house for 3 hours (she said it was innocent). Then i found out she drove to a 27 yr olds house and had sex a week later. Her cover story was terrible and i caught her in the lie. She then said it was innocent aswell and no sex occured. I later saw text messages that implicated otehrwise. She said once again that she is messed up and did this beccause when i pushed her away it felt like what her ex did to her which had emotinally damaged her in the first place. She said she wants to change and knows she is messed. But how can i believe her, i feel like its just more lies to keep dragging this on. I love her tho because i see this great person she CAN be. She has agreeded to take a lie-detector test to prove she never cheated while dating me or had sex after we broke up. And when i found out she lied, she said yes she would have failed the lie detector test, but says now she will still do one to prove she never slept with anyone else. So obviously her word means nothing to me. How can i tell if she really wants to change? Or am i just crazy and need to get over her?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 5 years ago.

Dear mjones,

 

Under the circumstances you would do better, in my opinion, to move on.

 

Your Girlfriend (GF), has deep seated issues that relate to her formidable years growing up, and her primary relationships during that time.

 

It takes more than a simple flip of the switch, so to speak, to fix this type of thing. It normally takes a significant emotional event, and follow up activities to work through the issues. A significant emotional event could be losing someone she really loves and cares about; and the follow up activities are therapeutic consultation with a relationship expert or psychotherapist or psychologist. (or similar).

 

If you continue in this relationship I expect that she will not be encouraged to change, and that at some level you have co-dependent type behaviors that enable her to continue in her behavior. People do not often like to hear that they may have behaviors that help the other person stay where they are,but it is a fact of life, in the realm of human behavior, that some personalities enable each other in different ways. In this situation, she habitually lies (or maybe even pathologically lies), and is unable to be faithful.

 

In my opinion, if you love yourself, and her, you will leave her. Tell her something like this:

 

You know how I feel about you; that I love you very much. However, I am not going to stand by in relationship with you and watch you go out with other guys; and I am not going to allow myself to be lied to. I am sorry, but I am no longer going to be in relationship with you.

 

AND mean it. Say it and mean it.

 

You will know if she is sincere about you if she gets the counseling she needs. That will show her sincerity. However you need to be prepared for a lengthy courtship AFTER therapy, if that is what she does, because permanent change is hard to detect. A minimum of year is needed, but in some people, you will not know if change of this type is truly permanent for up to 5 years.

 

If she loves you, truly, in stead of moving on to someone else to be her enabler, she will seek out the change and actions required for her to be with you. In the mean time, you should continue looking for a healthy person with whom to have a relationship. If she makes the changes, and you are still available, then perhaps you would be able to start over again together.

 

Look for a new partner who enhances your goodness and helps to make you a better person. You want that partner who will bring out the best in you. You want someone who does not have to be a project, who does not need fixing.

 

 

Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience: USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
Ed Johnson and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hey, im sorry i thought i hit accept after i read it, but my javascript was not enabled on the site. Sorry for that.

She came back to me now after seeing this man again.. says all she ever wanted was for us to be happy and she wants to change. I said we can talk to a councilor, but i will need to see her start to make changes or i will not be with her. Im just not really sure what kind of changes someone can be expected to make immediatly to show they are really changing.. she said it wont happen over night, but i believe she can start to control some things immediatly.

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Ed Johnson
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USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt