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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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Hi i was in a relationship of 2 years and a half with a girl

Customer Question

Hi i was in a relationship of 2 years and a half with a girl both 24 until she cheated on me with a married man. The weeks after we had arguments and back of forth flip flopping of what we wanted because she still loved that other guy. It's been a month and we started talking like once a week online and i tried to get her to hang out because she was hesitant thinking my plan was still to get back with her. Yesterday she asked me out and we went horseback riding and whole time she was acting very friendly as if were best friends and nothing happened she was also touchy like before. Granted we didnt hold hands but we were in contact with each other many times as she allowed me back into her personal space. I really like this girl and would give her another shot if she wanted but i dont know what her plan is. Is she just using me to do something when shes bored or shes testing the waters in trying to get back with me. i saw her email shes still emailing him.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

It sounds like she is testing the waters, she may be unsure of where she wants to go right now and wants to keep the lines of communication open with you. Which isn't fair to you, but if you want to try and work this out then it may be better to go along with it and see where it ends up. The key is to look at this as a friendship right now to prevent you getting hurt in the end if she decides this other guy is the one for her.

 

Of course with him being married she has no real future with him, he may be telling her that everything will be ok and he will end it with his wife but the reality is this almost never happens.

 

Right now I would look at it as a friendship and see where it goes. Instead of questioning her on what she wants, just allow it to play its course. If she initiates a more intimate relationship then sit down and talk to her about it.....but until then just take it for what it is.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Walter. Thanks for your advice. I was just thinking the same thing. While i was over at her place her email was open and i saw her email to him suggesting places they can hang out and one of them was horseback riding too so i'm thinking now that im just a backup for her since he probably couldnt go and then she responded to me. I'm going to go along with this for now but should i eventually make a move on maybe the 3rd or 4th date while getting more closer to her like give her a kiss to see how she reacts and is there a possibility that i would have a chance in the future to be her priority guy as long as i keep having good times with her and doing things together she wants while working on my self and playing little hard to get. I wont try to push her and will maybe only go out once a week for now. From my overview of our relationship she was just bored to death and shes the type that just loves to go out and have fun like the adventurous type while i was more down to earth. The fear i have is even if we do become more intimate that other guy will still linger with her.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

There is always that chance, but hopefully if things work out she will see she has a better future with you then hanging around waiting for him. The fact that she likes to get out and do more is something you need to think about. This is a personality trait, and one that is not likely to change. So even if things do work out with you and her, you may find yourself in this same situation again if your not the type that likes to go out and do things.

 

The fact is relationships are built on personalities that tend to mesh well, when one prefers to stay at home, while the other likes to go out you have these kinds of problems. While you may be able to pick up and start doing things more often the reality is if you do not enjoy it your more likely to quit later on..........which could cause her to become dissatisfied in your relationship. This is something to consider when you think about getting back together.

 

As for making a move.........you can try that to see where she stands, but if she isn't ready for it then she may run away from the contact. The key is to allow her to take her own pace with this, that may mean taking a back step to friendship, which is going to be hard since you care for her. In the end if all she wants is someone to hang out with, then your better off letting her go.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Walter thanks for your advice again. I actually do enjoy going out and being adventurous but i couldn't do it before much because we were in college and now after graduating we have full time jobs and i didnt have a car before which made it hard to go many places outside of the city. She has also recently moved out of her home to an apartment which is probably why shes bored alot of times. When i visited her yesterday it seems like she has all these new things that seems like this guy bought for her. So i'm guessing she likes having a sugar daddy while going out to have fun. I thought about making a move later because i figure it would show my confidence in myself and i think women like that if i took the initiative and it would probably bring back alot of emotions. However your right on that if she rejects it it could kill any chances that i have left. I just need to figure out a strategy of how i can compete with this other guy while hes buying her things and taking her out on occasions while maintainig a family. Obviously she thinks highly of him thinking hes a good guy but just having a bad marriage. She thinks hes sincere and she said she doesnt want to end up like him when she gets married. It seems like our roles have been reversed now im trying to take her away from him like he did from me before.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

If you have to compete, then she is not the kind of girl you want to end up with regardless. I am not going to pull any punches with you or hide the truth, but the fact of the matter is if she regards XXXXX XXXXX he buys for her as a positive in the relationship then she is far more materialistic then she should be. Looking for a good match is one thing, looking for what someone can give her is the complete opposite and the last thing you want to do for the rest of your life is compete with what someone else can give her.

 

Showing your confidence is always a good thing, but right now you do not know if this is her way of testing the waters for sure......or if she is just bored. While I suspect she is testing the waters, the fact remains if she isn't then your going to turn her away completely.

 

The easiest way of finding out is to question her........while you don't want to point blank ask if she wants you back. There are little things you can ask, such as "Are you happy, I just want you to be happy" This gives her a chance to tell her real feelings without the pressure of you asking her to come back. You can also ask her "Where do you want to be next year" This makes her open her eyes as to where she thinks she will be, and where she really wants to be.

 

The key is to get her thinking about her future........once you have some idea of where she is at then use the confidence factor to woe her back.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Walter,

I've started to move on with my life and stop talking to her, however she still constantly messages me online asking what i'm doing this day and that or trying to make small talk. Now i don't know if this is any sign that shes rethinking the breakout or she still wants to just hang me on to as friends. Do you think this is a good first step? I havent responded to any of her attempts. If she contacts me again which i know she will should i just small talk with her or keep up the no contact. I hear from people that if a girl really wants to get back with you then they will let you know, but what if they're scared to say their true feelings or they're just shy in general.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I agree with these other people, if a girl really wants you back she will let you know. Though if she is afraid or really shy she may just try to initiate a conversation and see if the guy is interested. But in this case, she has made things so complicated that we really do not know what she wants at this point.

 

As for talking to her, this is a personal choice.........personally I think that she needs to decide what she wants and then stick with it. If she is unable to decide then you have to question wither she really cares for you, or if she is just looking to keep her options open which is selfish and childish.

 

If you want to talk back to her, I would just let it flow. If your OK with that. At some point she has to decide what she wants, and if its you then she needs to be honest.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Walter,

She asked what i'm going to do next week on my day as she also has the day off. Is it ok if i plan an event day out with her since she was the one initiating the idea. This time i actually have plan of what i want to do when i go out. I look back and when she asked me what i wanted to do i usually said i don't know so i'm hoping this can show that i'm taking control. Do you think me going out with her will have any negative effects or she can just take advantage of me in some way? I'm just going to take it easy and not push on anything and see what happens and maybe talk to her seriously if situation comes. Thank you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Walter update again when she asked to hang out. I talked to her on the phone and pretty much draw the line saying i can't hang out with you like this all the time because i will get feelings back and its just not fair for me. And i asked her about reconcilation and she said she doesn't think it'll work out and i'm not sure if shes lying. She seemed monotone and kept saying mmhmm and yea. So i was like i think we should keep our distance for now and she replied with ok. So right now i'm just going to move on and now at least she knows where i stand and i'm sure she will let me know if she changes her mind.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Thanks for the update, it sounds like she is basicly using you for her fun times since the married man can not give her all the attention she likes. And its good that you stood up and told her no. This puts the ball back in her court, stay firm and give her the room she needs to make her choice once and for all.

 

The fact is if she is going to have a relationship with a married man then she needs to accept all the things that comes with that......including not having him around all the time.

 

I agree that its time to move on, I know you care for her but she is making her choice and no amount of trying to be with her is going to change that. While she may eventually decide he is not the one for her, the last thing you want to do is sit around waiting on her.

 

I wish you the best with this and if you need to talk, let me know.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Walter,

Last weekend i went on a trip with few friends that we both know. She asked me to let her come but i denied her saying there was no room. Never did i initiate asking her to come. My other friend asked her to go out of guilt but eventually he changed his mind. So after that was when i called her that i told you before where i said i cant hang out with you as friends like this and we need distance. However last night my friend told me after she talked to me on the phone she told him randomly that "I begged her to come to the trip and that she didn't want to come because she thought it was too soon" THis made him confused and made me kinda upset. I don't know what shes trying to pull by making up things to my friend and like trying to sabatoge our friendship. I was thinking of talking to her about this and setting things straight but maybe she just wanted the attention so i dont know how i should go about with this situation. And why does she keep causing drama with me and won't leave me alone even though she said she doesn't think we can work out Thanks.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

It sounds like she knew that you did not want her to go, and there for did not want to look desperate by wanting to go. So it was easier for her to say "You begged her to come" What I would do is explain to your friend that you do not know why she is saying those things, that while you are still getting over this you explained to her you did not want to be around her with everything that is going on. Then let it go......the one who complains the most typically looks like the guilt party so let her sink her own ship.

 

As for her, I would send a email and let her know that you do not appreciate her lying on you, and that she was the one who said it would not work......so please stop contacting me and speaking lies about me. This will firmly let her know that you know what she is saying, and that so does everyone else. It should stop it pretty quickly. She likely assumed this friend would not tell you what she said, by addressing it she will see quickly that the friends do not want to be involved with this and are not taking sides.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Walter, How are you? Regarding before where she said i begged her, it came out that my friend mis heard what she said and then he started all this drama between us and then we had a big verbal fight online and ending up in awkward terms again. We haven't talked for about two weeks. As hard as it is being in no contact with her i'm holding on but everyday i miss her so much. I'm thinking is it ok to ask her out to lunch for the weekend or should i not make any attempts unless she does. I'm thinking the more time goes by the more she'll move on. I was planning to just get on her friendly terms again without pushing to get back together but i'm also afraid to be stringed along since it's me asking her out again.

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