It sounds like she is testing the waters, she may be unsure of where she wants to go right now and wants to keep the lines of communication open with you. Which isn't fair to you, but if you want to try and work this out then it may be better to go along with it and see where it ends up. The key is to look at this as a friendship right now to prevent you getting hurt in the end if she decides this other guy is the one for her.
Of course with him being married she has no real future with him, he may be telling her that everything will be ok and he will end it with his wife but the reality is this almost never happens.
Right now I would look at it as a friendship and see where it goes. Instead of questioning her on what she wants, just allow it to play its course. If she initiates a more intimate relationship then sit down and talk to her about it.....but until then just take it for what it is.
There is always that chance, but hopefully if things work out she will see she has a better future with you then hanging around waiting for him. The fact that she likes to get out and do more is something you need to think about. This is a personality trait, and one that is not likely to change. So even if things do work out with you and her, you may find yourself in this same situation again if your not the type that likes to go out and do things.
The fact is relationships are built on personalities that tend to mesh well, when one prefers to stay at home, while the other likes to go out you have these kinds of problems. While you may be able to pick up and start doing things more often the reality is if you do not enjoy it your more likely to quit later on..........which could cause her to become dissatisfied in your relationship. This is something to consider when you think about getting back together.
As for making a move.........you can try that to see where she stands, but if she isn't ready for it then she may run away from the contact. The key is to allow her to take her own pace with this, that may mean taking a back step to friendship, which is going to be hard since you care for her. In the end if all she wants is someone to hang out with, then your better off letting her go.
If you have to compete, then she is not the kind of girl you want to end up with regardless. I am not going to pull any punches with you or hide the truth, but the fact of the matter is if she regards XXXXX XXXXX he buys for her as a positive in the relationship then she is far more materialistic then she should be. Looking for a good match is one thing, looking for what someone can give her is the complete opposite and the last thing you want to do for the rest of your life is compete with what someone else can give her.
Showing your confidence is always a good thing, but right now you do not know if this is her way of testing the waters for sure......or if she is just bored. While I suspect she is testing the waters, the fact remains if she isn't then your going to turn her away completely.
The easiest way of finding out is to question her........while you don't want to point blank ask if she wants you back. There are little things you can ask, such as "Are you happy, I just want you to be happy" This gives her a chance to tell her real feelings without the pressure of you asking her to come back. You can also ask her "Where do you want to be next year" This makes her open her eyes as to where she thinks she will be, and where she really wants to be.
The key is to get her thinking about her future........once you have some idea of where she is at then use the confidence factor to woe her back.
I agree with these other people, if a girl really wants you back she will let you know. Though if she is afraid or really shy she may just try to initiate a conversation and see if the guy is interested. But in this case, she has made things so complicated that we really do not know what she wants at this point.
As for talking to her, this is a personal choice.........personally I think that she needs to decide what she wants and then stick with it. If she is unable to decide then you have to question wither she really cares for you, or if she is just looking to keep her options open which is selfish and childish.
If you want to talk back to her, I would just let it flow. If your OK with that. At some point she has to decide what she wants, and if its you then she needs to be honest.
Thanks for the update, it sounds like she is basicly using you for her fun times since the married man can not give her all the attention she likes. And its good that you stood up and told her no. This puts the ball back in her court, stay firm and give her the room she needs to make her choice once and for all.
The fact is if she is going to have a relationship with a married man then she needs to accept all the things that comes with that......including not having him around all the time.
I agree that its time to move on, I know you care for her but she is making her choice and no amount of trying to be with her is going to change that. While she may eventually decide he is not the one for her, the last thing you want to do is sit around waiting on her.
I wish you the best with this and if you need to talk, let me know.
It sounds like she knew that you did not want her to go, and there for did not want to look desperate by wanting to go. So it was easier for her to say "You begged her to come" What I would do is explain to your friend that you do not know why she is saying those things, that while you are still getting over this you explained to her you did not want to be around her with everything that is going on. Then let it go......the one who complains the most typically looks like the guilt party so let her sink her own ship.
As for her, I would send a email and let her know that you do not appreciate her lying on you, and that she was the one who said it would not work......so please stop contacting me and speaking lies about me. This will firmly let her know that you know what she is saying, and that so does everyone else. It should stop it pretty quickly. She likely assumed this friend would not tell you what she said, by addressing it she will see quickly that the friends do not want to be involved with this and are not taking sides.