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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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How can I get my recently divorced husband back I divorced

Resolved Question:

How can I get my recently divorced husband back? I divorced him because our two sons, ages 13 and 15 couldn't stand him.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

Why did your children not like him?

 

Are these his children as well?

 

Are the children ok with him coming back?

 

What happened that you decided to divorce him? (What was the reason the children wanted him to leave)

 

What did he say when you told him you were still interested?

 

 

Walter



Edited by Walter on 9/20/2009 at 1:07 PM EST
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Hi Walter.

 

Yes, these are his and my biological children. Ages 13 and almost 16.

There are no other children involved from previous marraiges.

 

Both boys do not like him because he doesn't act fatherly to either

of them. He is very self-centered. He doesn't like to do things like play

games with them, take them out for ice cream, throw a ball around at the

park.....things like that. My ex either doesn't know how to show feelings,

or doesn't have them. He acts like the kids are a drag on his own time.

I do not understand this at all. It started shortly after they were born. He

doesn't show any of us "unconditional" love. And he doesn't talk to us

except to complain.

 

Both boys say they do not want their father back in the house. I'm very

conflicted because I still feel like they need a father.

 

I started divorce proceedings about a year ago because the two

boys and myself could not take his behavior. He was angry and belittling us all

the time, and not showing any support or help. We were all very uncomfortable

around him. He didn't want to go to counseling. He got very involved with

internet porn and dating sites. This behavior was going on for years.

 

When I told him I was still interested in salvaging and healing our relationship,

and wanted to work on it with him,

he told me in his usual stone-faced way that he wasn't sure what he wanted,

or where he wanted to be a year from now.

 

Thank you for asking!

 

Sincerely,

Jackie

 

 

Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello Jackie,

 

Thank you for the additional information..............it sounds like you and the kids have been though quite a bit this year and when your under this much stress sometimes its easy to lose sight of what you want for yourself and your children.

 

I understand the desire for the kids to have a father, but if he isn't being a father to them and is belittling them and treating them badly how is that better then being without a father? The fact is having no father is far better then a father who treats them badly.

 

I understand you still love him, and the future looks scary right now. But the fact of the matter remains that you left him for the best interest of the children and if you bring him back you are not doing whats best for them. As a parent we must always place our children's well being ahead of our own. And allowing him to be home again is not in the kids best interest unless he has changed, and from what he has said I do not believe he has changed.

 

I know how hard it is being a single parent, but the fact remains that as a parent you have to work hard to ensure your children are safe and happy. Being around someone who belittles them and has no desire to be a parent is not a good environment for these young men.

 

Of course I can not tell you what to do............I can tell you all day long why it is a bad idea to try and work this out. But at the end of the day if you want to get back with him that is your choice. The reality is your children should come first, so if you do allow him to come back I would strongly suggest that you set up family counseling and marriage counseling for your family. I would also suggest individual therapy for both boys. The fact is they are going to be hurt that you allowed their father to come home even though he has emotionally abused them.....so they are going to need that therapy.

 

As for how to get him back, you can not force him to come home if he does not want to. The fact is he likely is no more happier there then your children are, and more then likely if he does come back you are looking at more of the same, if not worse since you forgave him for what he did before.........why should he change if your willing to take him back regardless of his previous behavior?

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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