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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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I've been seeing this girl for about a year now. 5 months ago she moved back to Boston (I live in Las Vegas). A few months went by with no problems. Then I noticed she was texting back and forth with a guy I didn't know that is a friend of her friends. I called her out on it and she apologized and said she would have been upset too if I was texting some girl back and forth. (So basically she saw how upset I was by it.) I thought it was over. But the next time she visited me to meet my family for the first time, I noticed that she would always check her phone when I left the room or was away. I eventually caught her texting the same guy again. But this time I saw a few of the texts that included:

Guy: How's Princess doing today?
Her: Good just relaxing

Guy: I miss you. (sent with a picture of a campfire)
Her: I miss you too!!

Yes, I checked her phone. I have always had trust issues. So for this to start when I live so far away makes it that much worse. Anyways, I saw these but didn't say anything. But as I was reading one, another text came in. (the phone she has pops up a screen to say there's a new text.) I closed the phone. Opened it again. And realized that I was going to be caught. (Because now she would see that there were new texts but no popup screen.) The weird thing is she never said anything. But she did say something regarding the texts that I obviously saw. Because in a later conversation, she basically, out of nowhere, brought up that everyone had called her Princess one day when they were all hanging out. (As if she was downplaying the text from him calling her princess.)

The trip was over and I was so mad, then during my entire trip home I didn't return any of her calls or texts to see what she would do. Well, she was really overly upset. When I got home and checked her Facebook, she had switched out her regular picture (which she has never done) to a picture of us. She had also posted a folder of pictures from the trip and labeled it, “In Seattle with my love.” which wasn't like her to do. When I finally talked to her late that night she seemed to be extremely over upset. It was As if for the whole day she thought that I was never going to talk to her again because of the texts I had seen.

I'll be honest, for months she never once mentioned me in earlier trips on her facebook, never once posted a picture of us. It was always just a picture of her. After that it was as if we had just started going out again. She sends happy texts first thing every morning, happy phone calls for no reason. And even a long note a week ago explaining how she loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

Well, the next trip I went to see her to meet her parents I looked at her phone again. I noticed that she started erasing all of her messages. I also noticed there was a text that she had sent the same guy right before she picked me up from the airport. It said. “I'll text you later when I get a chance.” Which in my eyes means, “I'll text you when my boyfriend isn't around.”

Then later that night I was taking a picture of her with her phone. When I went to go see it, I found a recent picture of this same guy in her phone. He had taken a picture of himself dressed up and sent it to her. I confronted her on it and on all the other situations that I mentioned above. I asked her to show me her texts (because I knew that she never erased the one that said I'll text you later). She hesitantly showed me, but never scrolled down all the way to reveal it. She lied and said she did scroll down all the way. She also lied and said she hadn't text him at all during my trip. She also blamed this whole situation on him saying “He always texts me.” And “I'm too nice to tell him to stop.” Yet, I found the text from her saying that “I'll text you later when I get a chance.” None of this adds up!!! When this episode was all over we didn't say a word to each other the rest of the night and went to bed mad. The weirdest thing about this was the next morning she acted as if nothing even happened. She was all giddy, and happy, without a sign of anger considering I made her show me her texts. If she hadn't done anything wrong I feel that she would have been still angry because I made her show me her texts. But no. Nothing. She just said she was hoping to get past all this.

She finally, yesterday, after all this time, told him to stop texting her. She said she cut all ties with him because she loves me and doesn't want this to affect us. And that I will no longer have to worry about this guy. If that was the case, and nothing happened between her and him, than why would she let this continue long after I first confronted her?

Now I find myself not trusting her at all. Realizing that we live 3000 miles away and that we have plans for me to move to Boston within 6 months, I feel like I may be giving up way too much for someone who has been dishonest to me. Yes, I looked at her phone. I know it is wrong. But she basically forced me to because I felt she was being dishonest with me regarding this guy.

Realizing that Ive found all these texts during the short amount of time that I get to see her (about every two to three weeks) makes me worry what was going on when I wasn't around?!

What I want to know from you is, what do her actions in all of this show you? The way she handled this, the way she lied, the way she let it go on so long, the way she acted so happy after our arguments. What does that show you?

Sorry for the long email. But I really am torn over this. Please help.

Chris
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello Chris,

 

The text messages are obviously a big issue, the fact is she knew this upset you but continued to do so. Her actions after knowing she was caught though lead me to suspect that there is nothing going on with this guy other then friendship. Keep in mind that with you being so far away she may have latched onto him as a friend and the first time you caught her she likely figured that it really was not a big deal since she was not being unfaithful but she did not want to lose him as a friend.

 

Her adding all that stuff on her face book and her actions is her way of trying to show you that she loves you and that there is no real need to worry. Of course that's not helping since she continued to converse with him and simply hide it.

 

If there was not so much pressure with you planning on moving I would tell you to wait it out, typically when a women is hiding things she eventually drops out of the relationship she is currently in..........even more so when it is long distance. But the fact that she continues wanting to show you she loves you and she became so overly upset shows that she loves you a great deal and does not want to lose you.

 

The problem is she was dishonest, and with such a big move coming about it could become a problem if she continues after you move. While this is likely a simple friend.....there is the chance that it is something more. I think she did not become angry the next day as she really feels guilty about it. She knows what she did was wrong.....and is hoping you will move on and forgive her.

 

Typically when someone is cheating they become defensive, angry that they were caught and often have a hundred excuses why you should not have checked up on them. She did not do this, which tells me this is 100% friendship, but one she did not want to end for what ever reason.

 

All relationships have bumps, and ones that are long distance have the BIGGEST bumps. The fact is you are 3,000 miles away, and most women find it hard to not have any attention. She likely found him as a friend who would give her attention and time and latched on without thinking of how it would upset you this much. But in the end she found it hard to end it because she still needed him as a friend.

 

The fact that she did tell him not to text her anymore, and did update her face book is a good indication that she is being honest with you about her relationship with him. Comments like "How is the princess doing" etc is not necessarily a good indication of anything more then friendship.

 

At this point I would consider how you feel about all this, I would suggest at the next trip you sit down and talk with her about it. Let her know why this bothered you and let her express her own reasons to you. Keep in mind that she is your partner......and as a partner should be trusted. While she should have been honest, you have to give her trust as well. Just because she is friends with a guy does not mean she is being unfaithful.

 

Being in a long distance relationship is hard, and it has its ups and downs just like any relationship but you have to learn to trust her if you are going to move there and be with her.

 

Walter

 

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
This was quite helpful. Thank you.

I obviously have a trust issue. It comes from past relationships where I was cheated on. Long story short,I ended up leaving my ex in San Francisco and never talked to her again.

Is there any advice, tips you can offer to help me learn to trust more?

Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Trust is a big issue for most anyone, the fact is as a society we condone unfaithfulness more and more and then we all suffer when we can not trust those we love.

 

The biggest tip is to understand that trust is not something anyone can give.....it is something that you earn over time when each person has done everything they should. The problem is trust is hard to give when someone has been dishonest with you. Your natural reaction is to worry and giving trust after that is difficult.

 

Though the good news is it is something you can give......if your willing to try. The first step is to admit that you must learn to trust again. All to often we tell ourselves that no one can be faithful and therefor we should not have to risk our own heart by giving that trust. The fact is we hurt ourselves more deeply when we never learn to trust someone. So the first step is to sit down and admit why you need to learn to trust and let yourself know that you can trust someone.

 

The second step is to acknowledge that not everyone is perfect, but that does not mean they are going to hurt us. Yes sometimes the ones we love are going to lie to us..........accepting that is the first step. One white lie, isn't a good enough reason to not give trust. Unless there is a real betrayal try to be understanding of the little things. We all have little things that we do not share, sometimes this is because we feel we are doing nothing wrong and by not admitting to it we are saving our loved ones from fear. In your girlfriends case, she already knew this was going to upset you....so therefor she lied in order to prevent you from not trusting her. When in reality what she was doing was nothing more then being friends.

 

Give trust to others.........this is the big key. Trust others with your feelings. Let them know your deep secrets. By sharing your real feelings they are more apt to trust you and therefor you will learn to trust each other. Trust is a two way street, if she feels that you do not trust her then she is never going to fully trust you. In return, you will not trust her even more. Give trust......and it will always come back to you.

 

And the biggest tip is do not allow yourself to fear trust..........right now you are letting the hurt your ex gave you to stop you from trusting again. The fact is while your ex hurt you, you did get over it. And should it happen again you will get over it again. Yes it hurts, but like anything else you can not stop living your life out of fear.

 

A perfect example is:

 

If you went to work and got robbed at work would you never get another job?

 

The fact is bad things happen in life, but we can not allow the fear of it happening again cause us to stop living. And in reality when you refuse to give trust you have stopped living. Of course there are some risks, allow yourself to look at it for what it is. There are risks, but the rewards are far greater then the risk of a little bit of hurt.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Very helpful.

Thank you again for helping me out. Being that I am a guy, all my friends have already said to dump her. But there was something telling me not to. Good thing I talked to you.

Just knowing you help people understand their lives better must feel great.

Chris
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello

 

Your very welcome, most guys would tell you to dump her because most guys have never learned to fully trust. In this case I would tell you to continue, but do so carefully and keep your eyes open. You can learn to trust without closing your eyes. To many people think trust means closing your eyes and trusting to never get hurt......which is crazy! The reality is you learn to trust, but if something isn't looking right then you need to question it. In this case, work on trusting her but keep a eye on her behavior as well. In the end I think this is more a friendship issue.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I will. I always have Trusted but kept my eyes open with every relationship. that might explain why I'm 31, never been married, with no kids. Sometimes I can think overthink things. Other times I can connect things that shouldn't be connected. Simply put, I'm an overthinker. Always have been. It's been good to me... Most of the time
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Nothing is wrong with keeping your eyes open, those who do not are the ones who often find themselves in a bad position at the end of the day. Just do not confuse keeping your eyes open with never trusting.

 

Sometimes over thinking can help, but do not allow yourself to over think it so much that you are drawing conclusions from the smallest things. In this case that is what you have done........you convinced yourself that because she was dishonest she must have something serious to hide. When in reality, she was likely dishonest because she wanted this friendship, but knew it would upset you so she made a mistake. In retrospect she should have stopped and talked to you about it instead of hiding it, but then again we all make mistakes in life.

 

Walter



Edited by Walter on 9/18/2009 at 10:55 AM EST
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Why would she risk not only my trust, but our relationship on the attention of this guy? I no longer think that she was unfaithful, but why risk so much? What can I do to give her the attention she needs so this doesn't happen again? Or is that possible?

Also how can I tip You more? Does justanswer take most of the payment I provided? I want to tip u for your assistance.   
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Just answer does take a percentage of the offered amount, if you want to place a bonus you can do so by going to the answer box that you clicked accept on and it should be a Orange Add Bonus box instead of the green accept box. If you have trouble and would like help just let me know and I can have one of the Moderators on the site assist you with it.

 

I do not think she looked at it as risking your trust........I think she likely had all intentions on ending it when she first said she would. But then she may have thought that it really wasn't that big of a deal since she was not being unfaithful and therefor she was doing nothing wrong. Keep in mind that people rationalize just about everything they do. Since she was not being unfaithful, she likely felt it wasn't a real risk as long as she did not let you know about it. There was likely some guilty feelings on her part, but needing a friend overrode that.

 

You can help by texting her more, and make sure you are interested in her day and flirting and talking to her. Women do love attention, that is a fact. Maybe some flowers at work, (Women love it when flowers come to work or school because all the co workers just gush over how lucky she is)

 

If you send flowers, send a card that says "Just thinking about you" something simple to remind her that she is always on your mind. Don't allow yourself to fall into a standard call at 8pm etc etc kind of guy. Sending text messages can help remind her though the day, make sure they are flirty and fun as well.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I sent you another $15.00 I know it's not a lot, but I really appreciate your in-depth help.

I would love to come to you for advice from now on. It's hard to find someone (especially considering I'm a guy) that actually gives meaningful, educated answers to my questions. I'm going to fly and see her tomorrow. She's thrilled. I plan on taking your advice to sit down with her and talk about it.

You should be proud of yourself.

You just saved me from making a horrible mistake.

Thank you,

Chris
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.
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