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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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My ex called me nuts... I think he is emotionally abusive.

Resolved Question:

My ex called me nuts... I think he is emotionally abusive. Why can't I just ignore him and forget it all? I think I can, now.. but it's had to go this far. It's horrible.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

Do you have children together?

 

Why are you contacting him? (Is it something you need to discuss with him, or just to check in and say hi)

 

How long have you been split up?

 

Are you hoping things will work out with him?

 

Walter

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
No kids.. we broke up 8 months ago.

It was a bad break up.. I thought he was emotinally and physically abusive, but he somehow convinced me that everything was my wrong doing. We were trying to be friends, but it was only at his convenience. I'd go weeks without contact him due to us getting into a fight, and then out of the blue, he'd check in to say hi and start the cycle all over again. Sometimes, we'd meet up and have sex.

honestly, I'm just questioning my own sanity. I feel like he did this push and pull with me, and when I'd get upset, his reaction would be "blah blah blah." Literally.

I don't want things to work out with him. I want to be able to move on, but i'm worried he's scarred me emotionally. I moved to New York fter he suggested it, and I didn't know anyone here or have a job. I feel like he used that as a weapon while I was living with him.. he had no accountability. I finally moved out after finding a job and saving some money. We broke up in January.

He causes me so much anxiety, I hope yesterday is the last time I ever hear from him again It's like, I can't help myself but to respond when he "checks in." It's futile trying to block him on gmail because it just goes to your archive, anyway.

Like I said, I'm just questioning whether it's me or him. I've never had this problem in any relationship before. I'm not a fatal attraction kinda girl. I don't stalk him or anything.. just texts. He refuses to ever talk on the phone with me.

But, for example, I mentioned I was worried about some things I needed to take care of in my apartment. He OFFERED to come help me fix them as a friend. I accpeted. And now, he's telling me he tried to be nice to me but I ruin it by being psycho and not leaving him alone. I feel like he eggs me on. I dunno..
Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

Thank you for the additional information, it sounds like you have a controller in this fellow. Basically what these guys like to do, is get the girl completely in their control then use that to manipulate the girl to do what ever he likes. Ending the relationship, isn't ending the control in his eyes. He allows you to sit and suffer but before you can officially move on he makes that contact to string it on.........and in the end push it off on you as the one stalking him in order to confuse you more. This allows him to continue to do what he wants, without officially walking away from you. In other words stringing you along in case he wants or needs something later (In this situation the occasional sex).

 

He is a typical controller, and in more common terms a player.

 

The first thing you need to do is take a deep breath, he is using your emotions to keep you in a constant spiral of emotions and confusion. If you were thinking straight you would have ended this a long time ago.....and he knows this. That is why he continues to play these little mind games with you to prevent you from seeing the real truth in him.

 

His whole "Nice guy offer" was just another way of keeping you in his control....you needed help, and so therefor he wanted to ensure he was the one to do it. But using that as a way to again make you look like the bad person.

 

At this point you have to make a clean break, are you happy living in New York? If not then maybe its time to go home where you can take a break from this and get yourself back on track. The fact that you are alone there, and he is basically your one "Home base" is what he is using to help further his game. If moving back isn't a option then make a clean break in every other way.

 

Change your phone number, and your email account. Set up a new account though Yahoo or AOL and avoid your old account for a few months until he goes away. Another option is to simply delete his messages without reading them. The hook is there.........his sending the emails and messages is his hook, if you read them the messages then half of his work is already done and you are nibbling at his hook again. This is the danger zone for you! Once you read the message temptation to respond sets in and no matter how many times you tell yourself you are NOT going to respond there is a HUGE risk that you will have a breaking moment and something he says causes you to text him back. By avoiding the message and not reading it the temptation is over..........do not wait to delete the message. Do so as soon as you can to prevent the temptation of reading it.

 

If he calls you (Which he will once you stop responding to his messages) tell him firmly that you have nothing more to say to him, that you are over and done with it then hang up the phone. DO NOT be tempted to allow him to talk, as he will be charming.

 

With that being said, once he sees you are serious one of two things is going to happen.

 

A) He is going to move on to his next victim and let you be.

 

or

 

B) He is going to take this as a personal challenge! Which means he will turn the charm on full force. He may start texting you more, calling or even showing up in places you normally go. He may send flowers or cards to try and entice you again. Your job is to avoid him......controlling men are like a addiction. They seem so wonderful when you really want them but will destroy you in the end. Do not allow him to destroy you!

 

Stay firm, like most men he will likely walk away when you begin to ignore him. Though there is the chance he may try to get back in your good graces. Do not allow him the opportunity to trick you again.

 

The good news is the more you avoid the temptation the less it will bother you and soon you will see him for what he is and this will be like a old memory. Right now you are to close to the situation, but with some distance it will be easier to see him for what he is and move on with your own life.

 

I wish you the best with this, and if you need anything please do not hesitate to let me know.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Actually, let me add on.. and see if you have more to say about it. Just for purposes of clarity.

You know, though.. I think it's worse than the "player" thing.. I'm not that naive.

We were together for almost two years.. he even took me home for X-mas (I was first girlfriend ever for this) and I was pretty close to his family. I feel like he was gaslighting me while I was living with him, and it really drove me insane. He would lie ALL the time, even lied about a trip to Vegas he took while we were living together?!?! When I moved in, we got into a fight about something and he kicked me out that first week!! I had to fly to San Francisco tostay with my parents for a couple of weeks. When I got back, he's like "why did you come back? I told you I needed space!" Then, like two days later, while I'm looking for a place to live, he says " you know, maybe you should stay..maybe we should try to work on this..etc.." back and forth back and forth. WTF. He'd get mad sometimes when he was drunk and pushe me.. once I was pushed into the Door frame and got a huge bruise on my back. He would say sorry, but then tell me to stop being such a drama queen, that it wasn't abuse, he just pushed me. He is 6'5" 250. I'm freaking 5'8" 150.

Just thinking about it all makes me cry. THat's what I meant by emotionally scarred. I've never been through anything so traumatic in my life. I feel like the hurt will never go away.
Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

Anytime a man puts his hands on you in any way other then self defence it is abuse, regardless of how he wants to look at it. Making excuses does not change this, and is only a indication that he could and likely would become more abusive over time. Typically when a man pushes or even hits a women the guilt from that action is enough for him to never forget it.......the fact that he eventually shrugged it off and called you a drama queen shows that this was not a one time act or mistake. He has no respect for you if he would blow this off.

 

It sounds like he has some mental issues he needs to address on his own part. I would agree with you that this is not "Player" mentality after hearing additional details. This is definite controlling behavior and abusive behavior. Keep in mind that abuse does not always mean physical. If he is using emotions to keep you broken down and under his control then this is abuse.

 

It sounds like he gets a thrill over keeping you emotionally drained. The fact is if he really believed that this was all you......and that you were really "Nuts" then why would be continue to touch base with you? Why would he offer to come over and help you? Common sense tells you that if you really think someone is "Nuts" or a stalker the last thing you do is continue to talk to them. The fact that he continues to do so.......is a strong indication that this is a game for him and keeping you emotional unstable is his goal.

 

While he may not be physically dangerous right now, the reality is he is unstable himself and for that reason you have to make a clean break. Right now you have been under a lot of stress from this trauma and this is why you feel so bad right now. Your confused and in pain and not sure what is best. The only way to cure this is to clear your head. And the only way to do that is to get him out of your head. You sound like a pretty intelligent lady and one who is trying hard to get out of this situation. Which is great, the last thing you need is some guy who wants to play with your head and your heart.

 

The key to getting past this is avoidance...........you have to get away from him long enough for your head to clear and to see this for what it is. Controlling men can be like a addictive drug, as long as you are high on it, it is all the harder to walk away. But like any addiction once you are out from under the spell of it you can see it for what is is and learn how to move on and away from it. Right now your still hurting and that is what he is banking on. The sooner you can get a fresh perspective on all this the better you are going to feel about it all.

 

Can you go to your parents home for a few weeks or so? Maybe even permanently? What is holding you there? If the answer is nothing then it may be time to move on and go home. If your work can not be changed or you have to stay then avoid him at all cost. But if you can change jobs and go home then this may be the best thing for you right now. Often family is your saving grace in getting on with your life. If you can utilize them, even for a few weeks you will see that moving on is far easier. Though do not allow yourself the luxury of thinking since you are gone you can read his messages..........still avoid his calls and messages as it would not take much for him to wiggle back in.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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