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Ed Johnson
Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience:  USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
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Ive been with my fiance for 3 years, we have been engaged

Customer Question

I've been with my fiance for 3 years, we have been engaged for 6mos. We are so financially tied together separating is like a divorce w/property and asset divisions. I wanted to get married and thought he did too. He insists that he did, well after he has declined to move forward with the plans 3 times now I realize that I don't really want to be married to him. We are both divorced and I don't want another one under my belt. I have loved this man as hard as I could and devoted my life to him. Too much really and he has never fully reciprociated my feelings. This last time I spoke to him and had him decline again I didn't cry, I just was numb and realized that I really don't want to be with him. He is very sexiest, belitting and selfish and unconcerned how he acts. We run a business together and I loved what we were doing. I have two children(not his), live 2 states from my nearest friend or relative(moved for him) and have no outside income or even my own bank account anymore. Help!!
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 4 years ago.

Dear XXXXXinagirl,

 

I understand your situation, and am sorry to hear how this has gone for you.

 

YOu say Help. What do you mean? how is it we can help you?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I guess I'm not even sure. I could just go on, smile and basically keep him happy. Sadly I doubt he would really know the difference if I really tried to do it but my resentment and bitterness toward him makes it hard to fake it right now. I want to stay and common sense says that with no resources currently, a terrible economy and no support system I should just wait this out and reassess later. I'm trying to decide if I should just let the eniviable happen or if I should fight for this relationship. As sad as this is, he is the best man I've had thus far which I know isnt saying much for me but he doesn't cheat, provides loves my children and me just won't commit to me and is my best friend. I wish he would just let us be friends and stay together but with my bitterness I know quickly I can and will run him off. He's not built to stay which is another problem. I will stay in until it is ridiculous whereas as he gives up and leaves quickly. He only hasn't with me thus far because I am necessary in his business and for the quality of his life(he requires to be treated like a king)
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 4 years ago.

Dear XXXXXina,

 

In dating circles, the shelf life of an uncommitted relationship is about 3 to 5 years at most.

 

How badly do you want to be married?

 

Do you really love him, or do you just love the idea of marriage and relationship?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I really love him and I think he's good for me but I think I'm just about ready to give up and I'm preparing myself for what that means for me--financially and for my children who adore him and have a deadbeat for a father.
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 4 years ago.
How does he treat you? You say he is belittling and selfish. How does that show up in the relationship?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
many ways I guess, ex. yesterday after he declined again I felt some kind of way all day and come night refused to cook his dinner. he wrestled me to the floor and refused to move off me. He didn't hurt me but I just at that moment realized that's not what happens in normal relationships, it's very childish and brutish. I feel at times like I'm living with a cave man. To be fair I am a bitch and will admit it and I have a fierce tongue and bipolar disorder to boot. So neither of us is a peach but I thought together we were ying and yang and as a business team we are great together and as friends he's my bud but the rest of this is just crazy I wish I could just live with my business partner and friend and we skip this other nonsense.
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 4 years ago.
So you do not have strong feelings about getting married. Marriage is not important to you?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
actually I do, I am a serial monogramer. I want to be married very much but only want to do it once more, i don't want to have two divorces to two different men plus two kids to boot. My children are young 6 and 10 and they have been through enough splits(my divorce was very ugly and they are scarred. I want to spare them as much hurt as possible and they are so bonded to him, especially my daughter and he absolutely dotes on her.
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 4 years ago.

Dear XXXXXina,

 

The problem is, I do not beive you will change this man or his behavior.l

 

Do you like the behavior he shows toward you? How does it make you feel?

 

Do you want to feel that way for the rest of your life, for another year, for 2 years? for six months?

 

 

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
No, I don't and I don't think he can really change he is too hard coded for the way he is. What's more he at times will seem as though he is reasonable so that makes me think he is deliberately as ass. I'm frustrated and fed up and he's been able to tell that lately and been making token efforts at charge which I praise profusely but in the end I'm not happy like this I'm just afraid if I let this go I'll be more unhappy facing life without him and I could and have done much worse than him. Also I have started over so many times now from nothing that it just makes me tired to think of doing it again and I'm comfortable, my kids are comfortable, and I'm wondering if I'm a fool to trade a car with a few dents but running okay for an uncertain walk and the vague hope of a better car in the future, a weird metaphor I know but it fits
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 4 years ago.

LOL....I like your car metaphor. Economic professors have proven if you walk for 5 years, the money and stress you save from not having the clunker at all, allows you to pay cash for a new one. Isn't it better to have no debt.

 

You appear to be rationalizing your situation.. The problem is, I see you said that you do not think you can do better than this; that he is the best you have so far. My issue with this is that it point to a low expectation of yourself and others.

;

Clearly he is not available for marriage to you.

 

There are many instances where couples who failed as lovers and married partners, continued as business partners and general friends (no privileges, no booty calls).

 

The trouble is, it sounds like you and he are fitting together in a way where the rocks in your head, fill the holes in his; and his rocks fit your holes....BUT, what you really need is two people who cause each other to be the best they can be.

 

In some circles, for example, the Judith Wright Institute of Exceptional LIving in Chicago, believe it takes 80 or more dating relationships of short duration, to find that one in a million person who will truly compliment you for the rest of your life.

 

I recommend taking a look at Judith Wrights web site, where you will find an email for her. Send her a note and ask if she is still having women's empowerment weekends. i recommend them. http://www.judithwright.com/groups.php

 

I believe you can do better for yourself. Simply because you are both imperfect is no reason to continue to live like that.

 

 

 

 

 

Ed Johnson, Consultant
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10760
Experience: USC, BS Psych & Soc.; Transactional Analaysis; U.S. A. D&A Counseling, Family Advocacy, Anger Mngmnt
Ed Johnson and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Thank you very much. Painful to hear but I believe it's on target. Thank you for taking the time and effort to truly help me see clearly. You have helped me on a basic level. I'm grateful.
Expert:  Ed Johnson replied 4 years ago.
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