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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I have cheated on my wife several times with escorts, and am

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I have cheated on my wife several times with escorts, and am now finding myself very interested in another person. I had many signs that I wasn't ready for marriage and never accepted them. I just started to realize recently that I have been acting out of fear for so long that I did everything to hide the cheating, and told several lies. The wife knows about 1 incident, and that's it. She has made it clear that if I do it again, it's over. Well, I did it several times. I don't think I have the heart to tell her about these incidents, and should I? Or should I just break things off without causing the extra hurt? Or, is this salvageable because we do connect on a deeper level when we're healthy and we both seek a lot of the same things in life?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 4 years ago.
Customer

 

-How long have you been married?

 

-Do you love your wife?

 

-Do you want to save your marriage?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I've been married for about three years, but we don't have any kids together. I do love my wife, but then again I have a hard time definining if love is a feeling or the way you act or both. I'm really not sure if I want to save my marriage. Sometimes I feel like I do, but then there are times when I think ending it would be for the best. I recently had a discussion about the way I felt and that I was not afraid to lose her. She is starting to feel the same way and tells me that whatever outcome we have it will be alright in the end. I agree, and have opened the door for us to now comtemplate this with counselors, friends, etc.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 4 years ago.
Customer

 

Yes it may be time to seek counseling from a professional as a last resort before ending your marriage this way if you do decide to end it you both will know that you have tried everything you could to make it work and could possibly even end the marriage as friends and remain that way. It's obvious that you do have love for your wife or else you wouldn't be doing all that you can to make this decision easy for not only you but your wife also. You have to be commended for wanting to make things right and not wanting to hold your wife back but in all seriousness you have to be honest about your indiscretions if you do decide to go to counseling. It's important to be truthful and fore coming about what you were doing during the marriage. Ending with a clean slate is much better than living with a lie that will eat you up. I would give the counseling some time before making your final decision and give it your all this will make things better and possibly could mean saving your marriage, you may find that with the counseling and time talking things through that a divorce is not what you want after all so if you go into to it go in with an open mind and consider all of your options at this point.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
thanks very much, I think alot of what you have replied is quite applicable. I suppose the only follow-up I have for you is that I have told some personal friends who I have been in recovery groups with my very dilemma so have been honest with others about it, just not my wife. I suppose then, I begin to wonder if it's even right for me to continue pursuing my marriage given what I have already done, and I wonder if telling her these things is worth it or if it would just cause more damage than need be seeing as she is already aware of one incident and is fully aware that I have had addictions issues in my life and have attended meetings.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 4 years ago.
Customer

 

Only tell her if you plan on staying in the marriage, I say that because if you decide to stay and this lingers over your heads it will eat at you and no matter how many you have told it does not change what happened and you really haven't told the person that really deserves to know. If you are planning on leaving the marriage and divorcing then I see no point in telling her, the marriage is over and that would add insult to injury so to speak but if you decide to do counseling and she asks if there were others you need to come clean you will be surprised the burden that may be lifted off of your shoulders.It seems like you may have had or still have a sexual addiction also which goes hand and in hand with other addictions so it's good that you are in a recovery group that can really help with that. The finally decision is yours to make but I would seriously consider marriage counseling also.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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