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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18556
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Hello, I am looking for an unbiased opinion of the following

Customer Question

Hello, I am looking for an unbiased opinion of the following situation. Last week I found out that my 71 year old husband of 34 years, hired a new female salesperson on April 9th, 2009 and held a welcome luncheon for her. Because I knew all of his salespeople and all are male, I was surprised that he hadn't asked my prior opinon of the hire. I asked him to tell me about her credentials. He looked me in the eye and stated, "Well, she's a 28 year old little brunette about your height - and she reminds me of you. (I am 59 with 38 year old PHD daughter and 30 year old Veterinarian son. I replied, "Well, let's see what you call attractive." I GOOGLED the girl's name and up popped a photo of her with a plunging neckline adorned with a Cross Pendant. My husband ran to my conputer screen and stated, "Well, that's her but she looks better than that AND she dresses better now." AND on top of that he stated, "She's a Christian and a Goody Two Shoes!" (It gets worse!)
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 4 years ago.
HiCustomer and thanks for your question,

What type of business does your husband own, and/or for what type of sales position did he hire this new woman?

Has he ever given you any cause to doubt his fidelity in the past, or during the course of your marriage?

Why does your husband say you're delusional? Have you accused him of any impropriety regarding this young woman?

When you say 'speaking with my husband...', what are you saying to him or asking him about this woman or this situation?

Thanks for all your additional details.

Cher
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

1. Food business - the new hire is for an outside sales position working from her home several states away. However, she will be accompanying him to Food shows, product showings, and make many trips to his home office..

 

2. Actually, I have never checked up on him or questioned him in the past. He was previously married from 1960 to 1969 (I met him in 1975 - so did not know of wife) has a 43 year old daughter from that marriage. However, he did have a mistress during that marriage who was an employed at a satelitte plant (different business than now). He had explained that his wife had been unfaithful and he had lover because he was lonely. Since his wife was married once prior to him and 5 times since him, I believed the story. I have always been an executives wife and his sales people have all been men. Also, he has always told me about his hires and I have often looked at resumes and given him my input when asked. This was a surprise because he mentioned her NAME since I had never heard about this woman - I then asked him to "tell me about her". I did not have room on the previous page to also add that when I GOOGLED her name and photo appeared, and Christian info etc occurred - he then pushed me with his shoulder in a mennacing stance and point his finger and gestured forcefully and with a red face and said, "And I am covered because she is performing and no one can accuse me of anything". I think he said this cause he just setteled a wrongful termination suit involing a male factory worker - and has lawsuits on his mind.

 

3. Well, regarding the delusional statements, I did voice my concern that this was extremely odd and to me, it was totally out of character. I stated that if all was on the up and up, why did he hide her existance and only accidently blurt it out to me in those terms?? - 28 year old attractive little brunette, etc. I said, "where the heck did that come from?"

 

A. His first explanation was that he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't approve.

B. After a day or two - he told me he hadn't told me because he "knew he made a mistake, and hoped she would leave, or it would all disappear OR I wouldn't find out for a long time IF EVER???

C. He constantly states that, "I am reading into it." So, I guess that is what I am wrestling with. How can I be reading anything into anything - facts are facts.

 

Frankly, when he was pushing me and yelling at me, I was shocked. ALso, I started thinking of a few recent things that have happened and think that I do have a reason to be concerned.

 

Two weeks prior to this incident, I accompanied him to Las Vegas where he have a couple of talks to Brokers that sell his produces. While there, as a surprise, I arranged to have our Vows Renewed - as a surprise to him. We had talked about it a couple of years ago with the kids coming along - but my father got cancer and that put the end to that. Well, he was a grumpy faced guy the whole time - and I have the photos to prove it. The minister even told him to, "Lighten up! How about a Smile!" I was crying with emotion and he was grump. NOW, in hindsight - I wonder if the 28 year old girl was in Vegas WITH US??

 

Another wierd thing was that after the Vow Renewal, the limo brought us back to the Luxor Hotel - I had arranged a nice private dinner. I went into the ladies room which was just inside of the lobby carrying my rose bouquet. When I came out - he had removed his bouttonaire - and made me return to our room to "Dump the Bouquet!"

He also said that he "didn't want anyone to see us with the flowers and ASK QUESTIONS - and that it was NOBODY's BUSINESS. NOW, I wonder who was in the hotel becaue I did NOT meet a soul - any of the brokers - and was not invided to join any of the meetings, have dinner, coffee, etc. He said I should just enjoy the time and he would be back when meeting over - which he was - and he napped in room till dark. I was only there for 2 nights - and we took different planes home. SO NOW, I wonder if he stayed extra days with the girl? You know with cell phones he can be any where he wants to and I do not know. I NEVER call him on the office phone - just on cell. He has taken to carrying a cell that only I and the children call and a cell that is his "Office Cell" - yess - two cell phones at the same time time.

On, I have NEVER checked the cell calls - BUT - he almost fainted when I went to my ATT account and showed him how I could show him that he ahd spoken to me 10 minutes prior to the 28 year olds welcome luncheon - and not mentioned he was going to the luncheon. Also, he was at the home office in another state at that time of luncheon. AND, while checking the cell - he did not speak to me until 11:30 am the following day. He had told me he was TIRED.

 

SO, am I delusional or right on the beam. He is very concerned that I do NOT mention a word of this to our son and daughter. He told me that several years ago, when our son accompanyed him to the Super Bowl in Detroit, my son had told him that if he EVER cheated on me my son would write him off and never speak another word to him. And, of course my daughter and husband would probably follow suit. I told my husband that I have to think about this situation - however, he keeps asking me what I want to do. He sais he loves me and I am just over-reacting. HELP?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
are you still working on my question? Thanks
Expert:  Cher replied 4 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with helpful, additional and detailed information about your situation.

Yes, I was working on your question, this entire time.

I don't think you're delusional, and all the facts you have presented are definitely incriminating re: your husband's behavior.

You said you told your husband that you have to think about this situation, and he keeps asking you what you want to do; is this because you're accusing him 'outright' of having an affair or thinking about his new female employee in 'that' way?

Everything you have related certainly adds up to something not being 'right', considering the behavior you've always seen from him in the past. The two cell phones are disturbing. While I can see the practicality in having an 'office or business' cell phone, and in addition, having a 'personal' one, just for you or the children to reach him, it does open the door for him to take part in activities of which you have no knowledge, and yes, it's normal for you to be concerned about this.

Maybe the young woman was a little flirty with him, in order to get the job (or maybe that's just her personality), and it made him feel attractive, important, flattered, and like he still 'has it'. A man of his age, will eat that sort of flattery up, although I'm sure you're a loving wife and remind him how great he is, all the time. So, it can be concluded that it may 'seem' that there's something going on with her, and there's a possibility there might be, but, at the same time, he may keep her around because she's good for his ego and makes him feel young, again. He wouldn't admit this to you, because it might be construed as an insult, and would keep you wondering if he was engaging in any physical activity with her.

After all these years of marriage, you shouldn't have to wonder if he is cheating on you with this young woman; he either is, isn't, or is considering it. If you have no 'strong' proof, and again, I completely agree with all the evidence you have presented and your 'backtracking'; it could lead to his guilt, you'd have to ask him outright if he has been unfaithful to you with this woman or any other woman, and then decide what you want to do.

There is no doubt that this is a difficult situation, and I'm truly sorry you find yourself in it. I'd recommend always checking his cell phone records, and not telling him about it, plus, try to pin down his location, at all times. The cell phone records should help with this, too.

You'll have to weigh all the facts and your gut feelings about this, and decide if you want to remain in your marriage or not. It would be best for all concerned, if she no longer worked for the company. Perhaps you can convince your husband to let her go, due to the problems she's stirred up for you both.

I wish you much good luck and hope things work out the way you want them to.

Cher
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Well, he has told me that he CAN'T let her go because, "she is doing a good job!" I also forgot that after the incident, I asked if "there as anything about this that I should know?" He told me that ,"There is nothing else you can pull out of me" - he sent me a TEXt to that effect. He swore there was nothing else.

 

However, in 8 days, he told me that she was at a food show with him. He said he didn't tell me because "nothing happened - and it wasn't important for me to know." He stated that he, "Couldn't remember if she was in the same hotel as he was staying in - BUT that wouldn't matter where he was staying because she could be in his room, no matter," Well, that floored me.

 

He just tells me to believe him and "let it go cause nothing happened". I explained that given the way he has spoken of her to ME, my feelings are hurt and on matter if nothing happened, the fact is that I CAN NOT BE 28 YEARS OLD AGAIN - and I thought we were in the down side of our lives and I do NOT want to track after a man and be NOW at this stage of the game, checking and rechecking on him..

 

He is on his way home from a trip and will be landing at 11:00 pm Eastern Time, tis evening. He has told me he is worn out from this and I have to accept his explanation or decide what I want to do. OH, my GOSH I forgot the most important thing!! We had not had sex for about 8 years - ever since I had a histerectomy - I weight 117 - 5'4" - but had gotten to about 128 after the surgery - he had told me that my "ASS looks like a base drum" - and he never bothered with me. He had an uncle who was NON-SEXUAL and I thought that was what he was turning into. However, around the middle of MAY (girl hired on 4/9/09) he had said he wanted to resume our sex life and wanted to get VIAGRA - we had sex but he was nervous - SO, he asked ME to get him CIALIS from the INTERNET cause he did not want to ask his 83yr old Dr. for it since he had already asked for the Viagra. So, $563 later - I got 30 Cialias pills from internet. We began having sex - but this is not conducive to it at present. I have the feeling that he was just PRACTICING on me to get his moves down. He says he has not had physical contact with her - BUT - I have tried to explain that just the idea that he MAY be hoping to have sex with her - or even if she is just EYE candy or a diversion - is extremely hurtful to me. I feel like a fool right now. I am in great shape and do not look my age - folks think my daughter and I are sisters - I have NEVER looked at another man in 34 years - and there have been many offers. Also, we had an agreement when we married, that if either of us wanted to have someone else, we would have the DECENCY to end our relationship and tell the other person - rather than insult each other by cheating. THis is affecting my digestion, sleep, motivation, happiness, etc. I am an emotional mess. I think there is no fool like an old foool! THanks for your help. Getting old is a bitch!

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I may be confused. Are you going to add anything or should I just check accept??
Expert:  Cher replied 4 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

I'm glad you made that 'pact' with him when you got married, and it sounds very fair and straightforward.

I understand why you are so emotionally upset and how this is adversely affecting all facets of your life. It's a very stressful situation and you're absolutely right, you shouldn't have to deal with this nonsense at this stage of your life, and stage of your marriage.

You are certainly not a fool, and definitely not an 'old' fool. You sound adorable at your height and weight, and I'm sure you do look much younger than your years.

The information re: the Viagra and Cialis (that's a pretty hefty price tag!) is very interesting.....considering you hadn't had sex in so many years, and then, all of a sudden, he was 'interested' and wanting to get the medication, does not look good for him. I agree with your thinking, that maybe his intentions WERE to get the medication and start having a sex life again, with you, because he may have planned to start a physical relationship with HER! Again, you have no evidence, so it's hard to speculate and 'condemn' him on circumstantial evidence, alone. His behavior is certainly suspect.

Is it possible for you to hold onto the medication, count the pills, and know if any are missing, when he hasn't had sex with you? That's a recommendation I'd make, id you're able.

I think he's become obsessed with her and maybe he hopes she will give him a second glance; I don't think he's done anything physical with her, at this time, but he certainly is acting like he has something to hide. You're right, it's insulting to you as a person and to your 34 year old marriage, the way he's acting. Just say it to him in plain English--either you stop acting like an old fool over this girl, and give me and our marriage the respect we deserve, or you might not like the alternative very much. Don't threaten, just say it out loud to him.

You shouldn't have to be watching everything he does, so closely, at this point in your life. I'm sure he can find a male salesperson to perform on the job, just as well as she; he can let her go from the position, if he wants to.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18556
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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