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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18716
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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The best trates to look for in a good 2nd husband, family

Resolved Question:

The best trates to look for in a good 2nd husband, family already grown and out
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello, and thanks for your question.

May I ask your age?

How long were you married?

Are you divorced or widowed?

If divorced, what were the reasons for the divorce, if I may ask?

Thanks for all your additional detail regarding your current situation.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cher,

I'm 62, look good, good health, great family ( not perfect, all married with families, but very openiionated regarding people in my life). I was married 15 years, divorced 26 years. Reasons, many, money, lack of respect. I have just run into someone i have been involved with before, it was a very on again off again. My family does not like him, he has a drinking problem. He functions ok, but drinks every day, all day, on the other side, he is very loving, giving, respectfull, family person. he thinks my children are terrific, they think he is slime. We ran into each other, and immediate sparks, i had not talked with him for over 3 years, i had asked that he not contact me. i was tired of the strugle between my kids, over him.

 

I am asking for help, i don't want to let him back in, just to hurt him or me again. What do i do? you would think a woman of 62 would know, but being alone is also not a good thing. In the 3 years i have not come across anyone that i would even entertain the idea of getting together with.

 

One more bad thing, i realy don't like or respect his children or Mom, and adores mine.

 

 

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks very much for your reply with helpful and additional information.

I can understand your dilemma, and please keep in mind that your age has no bearing on making this difficult decision--it's always good to get an unbiased perspective.

I think your initial instincts of not wanting to become further involved with him, are correct. Even though he is loving, giving, respectful to you, a family person, and thinks your kids are terrific, YOU are the one who will be in the relationship with him, and his drinking sounds like a big problem. The fact that he hurt you in the past, also needs to be taken into consideration, as well as you not caring for his children or mother. I'm sure you realize these are most of the reasons why your children don't approve of you continuing to see him. They don't want you to get hurt again, and as I mentioned, even if he's not a 'mean' drunk, his drinking is out of control and he needs to get it under control, but not necessarily with your help.

While I can understand you not wanting to be alone, it's better to be alone (with someone you like--YOU!) than to be with the wrong person who may cause you grief, aggravation and hurt.

You are so right, it is not easy to meet the right person, but your age, I think, is on your side, because there are many men a little older, a little younger than you, who ARE available. Many are divorced or widowed. If you'd like to try to meet people online, that's a starting point, but remember to always be careful and never invite anyone to your home; always meet in a public place, until you're sure he is who he says he is, and you've done a background check on him. Some well-recommended sites are www.plentyoffish.com and www.match.com

You don't have to start dating anyone or even meet in person, at first, just email, find out about some men, and their likes and dislikes.

Traits you should look for in a man, considering a second husband are: economic security, kindness, honesty, loving/affectionate ways, respectful to women, good sense of humor, intelligent, sharing many of your likes and dislikes. Opposites attract and differences make the world go 'round, so you're not looking for a 'clone' of yourself, of course, but someone who will keep you laughing, be attentive/loving, and a 'giver', who will put you first. Stimulating conversation is a must, so you are not bored. Also, his past is important. You'd want to know how he treated any former wives, causes for divorce, and what his children are like, if he has any. Usually, it's preferable to look for a man who IS a father, because he will have the same parenting experience as you. This, of course, is not the be all and end all of traits you're looking for, and if he was never a father, that's fine, because you don't have young children at this time, but these are just some traits to keep in mind.

I think, when you start talking to particular individuals, some will 'shine' brighter than others, and you'll know who you want to continue speaking with, eventually meeting in person, etc. Take things slowly and YOU are in the driver's seat. You get to make the decision who you feel is a good match for you. Sometimes, you have to kiss a lot of frogs, before you find your Prince! : )

Of course, stay away from any men who are big drinkers and/or who have bad relationships with their family members, children, etc., or are in financial trouble. Learn from your past experiences/mistakes, and you'll be fine!

I wish you much good luck and hope things work out the way you want them to.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18716
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Cher,

I am clicking the accept. but first i just wanted to thank you. I know that what you say is what i know, sometime you just have to hear it from a third party. I realize that my family, daughters, and son-in-laws just feel i deserve better.

Thank you with all my heart.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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