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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18569
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Im totally confused and really hurting. Last Autumn I

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I'm totally confused and really hurting.

Last Autumn I met a 16 year old girl who would constantly flirt with me and made no secret of the fact that she wanted to be with me.

I was really paranoid about the age difference, as I was 23 and talked about it with my best friend. We both laughed it off although she kept flirting with me for the next few months.

One night we got close and things happend. I told my friend the next day and his face dropped. He had been seeing her behind my back for the past 3 months although they had just recently had a big falling out.

I felt totally betrayed by my best mate who had laughed off her advances to me and then seen her behind my back. I wouldn't actually have minded if he'd just told me.

Despite this, I kept seeing her. My mate said he thought she had wanted to be with me the whole time anyway.

Things developed quite rapidly, we got close and she wanted to make our relationship official.

I stalled, there were so many things racing through my mind. What she'd done with my friend and the age gap.

I had a weeks holiday booked ages ago to Spain so I said I'd go there and try to clear my mind. Whilst on holiday I thought I'd go for it. I really liked her.

However, when I cam back from holiday she had decided nothing was going to happen. My mind is blurry because so much happend last year but I'm pretty sure she said it was because she didn't like the fact I wouldn't kiss her in public before etc.

Despite this, we did get together for a short period a week or so later. I feel stupid now, but I can't even remember what triggered us having an argument and falling out. However I ended up really hurt.

I got depressed and had panic attacks. She just turned away and wanted nothing to do with me. I felt so let down. At the same time I found out my dad was having an affair and my parents having had a terrible 10 months and are now going through a divorce.

I went to my local GP as I was making myself so unwell and the blood tests showed I have a stomach disease. They suspect I have colitis from the initial tests (camera down the throat!) and one of the symptons of that can be depression.

I've always been at a loss to explain quite how I ended up getting depressed as it was totally out of character for me. So perhaps that goes some way to explaining it.

Whislt I was going through the depression a lot happend. We rowed, she was quite cruel to me, I was cruel back. Horribly one of her old friends committed suicide and I was going through the same emotions.

I can totally see how it would be hard for her to deal with me. What I've tried to say is, that wasnt the real me. I was suffering from depression, had lost my best friend, lsot my girlfriend and my parents were going through hell. I had to stop my mum killing herself and my dad beat her up on a couple of occasions.

All I was really asking for was some understanding.

Anyway, I had 7 months on anti-depressants during which time we had minimal contact. Despite this I thought about her and what had happend in my life every day. I still do.

We started to get back in contact again a few months ago as its hard to avoid her as all our mates are mates. Another thing that hurt is not one mate stood up for me and took sides or had a go at her. Perhaps I am/was expecting to much, I dont know.

And, we got on. All I have ever wanted to me is friends with her and we were getting on. It made me feel great. People presume I have feelings for her. I honestly don't know if I do. I've thought about her every day for the past 10 months. However I think thats just because it was such a traumatic experience. I just want everything back to normal and everyone to be friends.

We got close really close again and ended up having sex. Then, out of nowhere she says she doesnt want to know me. I'm not to text her or talk to her. Apparantly because she can't be friends with someone who is always thinking about the past.

I do think about the past, it hurts me that she wasn't there for me when I needed her, and it hurts that my mates weren't either. But I just want to make the future right and leave the past in the past.

It's her birthday today and she said not to text as it would piss her off on her big day. I haven't but it's killing me inside. I'm feeling the depression feelings coming back and that scares me immensely. I don't ever want to go through that again.

I do however want to give her a big hug and tell her how much she means to me. But she knows that anyway and doesn't appear to care.

She's hurt me so much but I cant stop thinking about her all day. We're so good together (as mates, maybe as more, I dont know) that it just feels such a waste to throw it all away over a complicated history.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 4 years ago.
Hello,

I'm sorry to hear you've gone through so much turmoil, but you were very intelligent to see a doctor for your physical symptoms, and for your depression. I assume you're on anti-depressant medication, now? If not, it would be a good idea to discuss this with your doctor. I also would recommend that you begin seeing a counselor to talk out your current and past problems, and try to reconcile this relationship with the younger girl.

Honestly, she's much younger than you, she's proven to be 'unreliable' or fickle in her treatment of you and feelings for you, and even though you felt there might be something there, it would be best emotionally and physically for you to concentrate on meeting women closer to your own age, as they will possess the maturity you require.

You've gone through so much in your own person life, your parents troubles, your mates' not being there for you, and I'm glad you decided to take that holiday in Spain, because you needed to get away.

I realize it's easier said than done, but you need to concentrate on not thinking about this girl anymore and getting your life back on track so you will be happier. The fact that today is her birthday, I understand is painful for you, but if she asked you not to contact her, respect her wishes and make up your mind you're going to move on. She's a teenager who changes her mind at will, with no regard to the way she will make you (or others) feel. You are a mature man who needs to be with a woman similar in age who has 'passed' this selfish/changeable teenage stage.

It might help you to think about this logically, even though it's an emotionally charged situation. You need to stop stressing about this girl and making yourself sick. Take some 'me' time, and make a list of what's really important in your life right now. Then make a list of what you would like to accomplish in the next year or two. Working towards specific goals will help you focus and decide what's important and what's not so important.

Try to remain positive in the face of adversity, and as long as you decide you're going to not think about her anymore and only concentrate on getting your own life back on track to a place where you feel accomplished and happy, that's what's most important.

I hope things improve for you, soon.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18569
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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