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Ask Cher Your Own Question

Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20101
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Hi I really need to get my ex back!

Customer Question

I am in a tricky situation. My boyfriend and i split up in July because hes depressed at the moment and said that he felt like I was controlling him, he was unable to give me what I want and didnt want to hurt me. We still live together now and get on but now and again Ive caused issues by bringing it up. We have also slept with each other a few times and I know the attraction is still there. He has a 5yr old daughter from a previous r'ship who I love and get on with but his ex has a role to play in it all also. Due to both being part of a wedding they went to London for 2 weekends and have seen them gettin on a lot better recently. I found a scrap of paper with his feelings about her on it saying that he felt bad for being so rotten to her and wanted to make things right. She is seeing someone else and when I confronted him he said that he writes things down when he thinks them cos it helps him express his feelings, deal with it and overcome it. He said he thought that one day but couldnt be further from it another and hes done the same with me.he says doesnt want his ex back but just wants time on his own at the mo. I have until Jan when our house lease is up to prove to him that I want to be with him and we can make it work and was looking for advice on the matter. He really hasnt been himself recently and even though I feel hurt, I do believe that sometimes he may think it would be convenient to return to his ex and daughter, he knows deep down that it can never work, that he still loves me but is confused on how to make everything in his life balance.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 6 years ago.
Hi, and thanks for your question.

May I ask your ages?

How long have you been together with your boyfriend?

How long had he been married?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi cher,

Im 26 and hes 34. We have been together just over 18mths and he was never married before but in a relationship for 7yrs (4 being for the sake of his daughter)

Another thing to add is that has regrets over his behaviour then and feels guilty for the way his behaviour affected his ex and his daughter so he hasnt been able to accept things and move on properly.

Expert:  Cher replied 6 years ago.
Hi again, Diane, and thanks for requesting me and for your response.

Please give me a short while to send you a detailed answer.

Expert:  Cher replied 6 years ago.
Hi again, Diane, and thanks for your patience.

It sounds like he is a very introspective man, which for some, can be a blessing and for others, distressing. He's really over-thinking things making himself (and you) miserable, with his feelings of guilt and inability to decide where he wants to go from here.

Because he's having such a hard time making this decision by himself, it might be a good idea for him to get an unbiased opinion from a counselor he can see in person by himself, and/or with you. Couples counselors can be very beneficial in guiding a person such as your ex in the best direction for him, emotionally.

Thinking he's being drawn back into feelings for his ex is most likely due to the connection re: his daughter, and the fact that they
were 'thrown' together because of the weddings you mentioned.

I think he really is torn re: his feelings for you, most likely due to feelings of guilt, over not being together with his daughter's mother, but as you said, and I agree, he really has no intention of getting back together with her.

All you can do at this time is reassure him of your love for him and that you will support him in whatever he decides to do.

Seeing a counselor in person, should help him with the decisions he needs to make, and remove some of the angst, confusion and guilt he's feeling now, so encouraging him to see an experienced counselor/therapist on his own or with you, would be a good next step.

Your job is just to continue to be supportive of him and validate his feelings, so he knows you want what's best for him, and that includes continuing your relationship with him.

I hope everything works out for both of you.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Hi again,

I have discussed the fact that he should speak to someone to help but he has asked me to leave it be, that he doesnt want advice from others or to take anything but just wants to work things out on his own. I have respected this and backed off recently because the last thing I want to be doing is ignoring his feelings and making it worse.

he has now faced up to the fact that he is depressed because of me but I dont really want to start suggesting help again because he was really annoyed at me last time. Are there any other ways of doing taht perhaps less obvious?
Expert:  Cher replied 6 years ago.
Hi again,

It's common for a person who is depressed and needs help, to get annoyed when someone suggests it; they get sort of 'defensive', so I'm not surprised he had that reaction.

Why he is depressed 'because' of you, is not clear...I think he's depressed because he can't make a decision on which direction his life should go.

If he's truly depressed, seeing his regular doctor and discussing an anti-depressant medication may help, but he may not be willing to that, either. I think he views any type of 'help', as a sign of weakness, and this is not true.

The only other way to get him to see someone, might be to remind him that if he is feeling depressed and unable to resolve the conflicts in his own life, this may be adversely affecting his daughter, who will 'sense' her dad is not happy, and see changes in his personality, so try to encourage him to get help, to benefit his daughter. You're not implying he's not a good dad, he's a wonderful dad, but he can be better, if his mind is clearer and problems are lifted. A professional can help with that.

Would it be possible to contact a counselor and have him/her meet you and your ex at some outside place, like a cafe or restaurant, and you introduce the person as an old friend of yours, or a friend of your parents', etc., and the three of you just start talking, so the counselor gets an idea of what's going on and then, may give YOU ideas on how to bring about some 'therapy' for your ex to improve how he feels. I feel the in-person meeting is very important, but if he's asked you to 'leave it alone', you'll have to respect his wishes. However, at this time, continue to be positive, help build up his self-esteem, tell him he looks good, did a job well, is a great cook (if he makes something for you), just try to boost his ego, but in a very subtle,not 'obvious' way, to make him feel better about himself.


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