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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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Hi i recently left my partner and two year old son,my girlfriend

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Hi i recently left my partner and two year old son,my girlfriend and i were just not happy. I made the choice to leave, and now i have met someone else whom i told my whole situation,and stands by me, and we are in love with each other and we are very happy together. My problem is i miss my son so much,even though i have daily contact (sometimes through skype). I have not told my ex that i have met someone else and cannot bring myself to do so, as i don,t want to cause her any more pain,and also i feel guilty about the situation, i don,t know what to do. Shall i tell her or not? or i am i scared of loosing her completly and the regular contact with my son.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

How long have you been separated?

 

How long have you been dating this girl?

 

Are you 100% sure that things are over with your ex?

 

Walter

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
we have been separated 5 months, and i have been dating now for 3 months,and my new partner wants me to live with her, but it means moving to a different country. I want to be with her but being away from my son really hurts. Maybe deep down i think if i tell my ex then i know it,s 100% over,not sure if this is why i don,t really tell her.
Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

A different country is a BIG move when you have a child that young. Is there no way she can move to where you are at? The reason I ask is because your son NEEDS you. I know it is hard when you are in love, but making the choice to have a child is a big responsibility and one you took.....to leave now means that your relationship with this child is and will suffer.

 

The fact is no matter how good your intentions are a move that far away will prevent you from being a good father to your child. While phone calls and occasional visits are a good thing, the fact is your child needs to be a part of your life and a move like this is going to make that very hard on you.

 

Being a father isn't about making choices that are good for you........its about being a man and making choices that are in the best interest of your child.

 

Do you think a move like this is in the best interest of your son?

 

I know being a father and looking for love is not easy! Being a single father myself I often find myself in situations where something is perfect for me......but not always perfect for my children. The difference is once you have a child you can no longer look at what is perfect for you, but instead what is in the best interest of your son.

 

As far as your ex, yes once you tell her about this new girl and about moving its going to shut that door likely forever. The fact is you have some big choices to make, but you must man up and make the choices on what is best for your son first.

 

I don't want to beat you over the head with the responsible father issues.......but your choices now are going to effect this child's life. He did not ask you to come into this world, this is a choice you and his mother made and the fact is you now have to accept those choices you made and be the best father you can be.

 

I never advise someone to stay with someone else simply because of a child.......you can be a good father to him without being with his mother, but to be a good father you need to be a big part of his life. Living in another country is going to make it very difficult for you to be a big part of his life.

 

Phone conversations are great........but they can not replace you coming over to see him and playing with him. As he gets older he will need you so much more. He is going to need you there for him to teach him how to be a good man, and that is something you will have trouble doing in this new situation.

 

I would advise you to sit down and take another good look at all of this. This time considering how you can be the best father you can be. As for your ex, only you know if that is something you are over or not........at the end of the day your choices should always be what is in the best interest of that little boy.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

My new partner is working abroad until next april then will be moving back to where i live, i am currently out of work but that doesn,t seem to be an issue with her she just wants to be together; So if i do move it,s only temperary then i would be back near my son.

Expert:  Walter replied 4 years ago.

Hello,

 

Well that changes everything Laughing

 

I was very concerned about your sons welfare in all of this, the fact is at the end of the day doing what is best for your son is far more important then anything else.

 

A few months away should not cause any real big issues for him as long as you stay in contact with him regularly.

 

The real issue here is if you are truly over your ex. Telling her about this other women is going to make things final. As far as your son, there should be no real problems as you can go to court and get vistation rights if she tried to prevent a relationships.

 

Closing the door on one relationship can be difficult, but the fact remains that you can not continue to see this new women and make plans to move with her without coming clean with your ex.

 

5 months is long enough for you to know what you really want, wither that be your ex or this new women or simply being single. You will always have that "What if" problem if you don't sit down and make a firm decision now.

 

Its time to tell your ex about this new women and your plans. This gives you both time to talk about what was and make a final decision on what will be. If you still have feelings for your ex, then now is the time to be honest with yourself and her and explain your feelings. The fact is if you still love her, this is not going to just go away by getting with this other women. This is something you have to deal with before setting up house with her.

 

I would suggest asking your ex if you can both sit down and talk. Maybe a dinner or at her house after your son is in bed. Sit down and be honest with her, let her know what your plans are and ensure her that you will still be there for your son.

 

This will give you both time and a chance to put everything out on the table and decide where you want to go from here.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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