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Walter
Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience:  Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
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why does my ex-boyfriend...father of my 4 children...tell his

Resolved Question:

why does my ex-boyfriend...father of my 4 children...tell his ex everything good and bad about me in my life.I know he didn't tell her he has been intimate with me on many occcassions since he and I broke up.I'm just been told about her after 2 years of them dating..Does he love her?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  dkaplun replied 5 years ago.
I am sorry, do you have a legal question, or do you want this to be transferred to the relationship section?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
yes transfer me..please.thank you.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Are you and your ex still being intimate?

 

Did you ask him why he did not tell you about her? (If so what did he say)

 

Did you ask him why he told her these things? (If so what did he say)

 

Are you still in love with him? (If so are you wanting to try and work this out)

 

If so how do you think he feels about working it out?

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I recently stopped being intimate when I found out about his new interest.which was yesterday!!!
Yes,he told her about me because he was angry and still affected by our relationship..he has been confiding in her about our problems for years as she puts it.He claim he still cares about me.He says he loves me but want us to work and save money together for the future and relocate to a home.He says he didn't tell me about her because she doesn't mean anything to him as i do... children ,history and feelings.i do want to work it out and feel kinda stupid for wanting to.He says he does want to work it out but ..im not sure if he really means this or just saying this.By the way this is his former ex from 27 years ago.For some reason she really hates me and verbally attacks me whenever she can.She says she has his heart..then why was and is he still giving me hope..if he's moved on and happy.He and I are not living together for the past 2 years...After 12 years of residing together.I still don't understand why he would tell her all my flaws.do you think theres still hope?
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

Men who cheat typically show loyalty to one women, while telling both the other means nothing to them. Which is the case you are in right now, the fact that he has been telling her things about you typically would show his loyalty more in her direction.

 

I know this is a frustrating situation, but the fact is if he really wants to work things out with you and really does love you then why can he not leave this women alone? At the end of the day your relationship with him should mean enough to him to walk away from this women regardless of the reasons, the fact that he is not....tells me that he is not as serious about you as he wants you to believe.

 

The fact is he is cheating on both of you......the fact that you put your foot down and cut him off is good not only for you but your children as well. Its not fair to you or them to continue this charade. If he wants to be with you then it really isn't to difficult. He can make every excuse under the sun...........but the fact remains that if he really loves you he can end this relationship with her right now.

 

Ask yourself this..........

 

If this was you, and he asked you to end it with another man in order to be with him, how hard would it be for you to walk away from the other guy?

 

If you really love your ex then it would be simple.........the same as it is for him.

 

I wish I could tell you that with work everything will be fine, but the fact is unless he really wants to end this with her and be with you then no there is no real hope. Making this choice is quite simple for him, the fact that he is still with her shows you what his choice is.........the real question is are you going to accept this and be the other women, or move on?

 

Of course I would recommend that you move on, if he really loves you and wants to be with you then he will leave her and make things right. But if he isn't willing to leave her now he likely never will be.

 

Walter

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
You may be very well right...I understand and believe everything you said is true...Why does he still want to deal with me? She has heard from my own mouth that he was sleeping with me...and said she is willing to share.What's that about.I can't share an don't feel he cares for her tremendously ...but she is anxious to get rid of me.She asked me to find someone else and move on but if he love her the way she say he does then why would she be in his corner if she knows he's having relations and is completely aware..to which i wasn't before.If he loved her so much then he would be totally faithful..I provide for my children and nothing else to him .She is luring him through money and saying she's planning to buy a condo with him...but I don't believe or want to believe he will live with her.If he care about her so much then why was she the secret to me and why aren't they residing together?If he is so happy with her then why is he fooling around on her she said she has his heart any everything he needs.She said I have nothing to offer him..She has no children and a lot more time and money to fuel hi already outrageous ego.If she says she already has him then why try to get me out the picture?I know I'm in some type of denial but I'm fishing for some help afer this 16 year
crazy relationship ...we have both hurt eachother but always worked through it i know i may very well have to throw the towel in this time.I been with him since i was 18 and currently iam 35 and confused.
Expert:  Walter replied 5 years ago.

Hello,

 

I never said he loves her.........but he is making the choice to be with her. Men who cheat habitually on women are often not in love with either women. Though many times they feel they love one or even both, the reality is what they are going though is not love but are instead seeking the gratification that they want.

 

The fact is yes, someone can cheat and still be in love but when they carry on relationships with two women at once such as this it is not love so much as it is connivance.

 

My question to you is simple...........if he really wanted to be with you, why isn't he?

 

The fact is he is making the choice to continue with this other women, even though you know about her and have cut if off he still has not offered to end it with her.

 

I am not saying he loves her, obviously he does not love her if he is doing these things. But he has made the choice to continue to be with her, wither its because he cares for her or is worried about the money I can not tell you, but I can tell you he made his choice to stay with her.

 

As far as her comments on sharing......and her asking you to stay away and her other comments it sounds like she is holding onto something she knows she does not have either. She has made her choice, and that's to keep a part of him regardless of what it takes even if she has to pay for it or share it. Which is scary since she obviously has no intention on ending it even if he does choose you.......which will cause heartache for you in the end.

 

I know how confusing all this is to you, but at the end of the day if he is allowing himself to be lured by money then his feelings for you are not strong enough to be called love. When you truly love someone you would never allow money to interfere with who you want to be with. He on the other hand is choosing her because life is more convenient for him to be with her.

 

Why would you want to be with him if he would allow something so petty as money keep him from you? You are your own person and do not need him or any other man to define who you are. Love is hard, I will be the first one to admit that but never should love be confused with money or convenience.

 

I don't think he really cares for her that much, but there is something there that he wants to hold onto. I suspect it is the money as you do.....if he would allow her money to come in between your relationship then he has no true desire to change.

 

If you really want to try and work this out you are going to have to be firm with him. You can not allow him to keep you on a leash and him decide how this is going to work.

 

I would suggest letting him know that you do love him, but that you will not settle for someone who can not decide what he wants. While I do not normally tell anyone to issue ultimatums the fact is he has a choice to make and that is either you or her. You can not continue to live your life waiting for him to decide what he wants.

 

I would suggest telling him exactly what you want and need from him then ask him where he wants to go from here. If he isn't ready to come back then maybe its time you move on. Allowing him to have his cake and eat it to is not going to force him to make up his mind. I would suggest ending things with him until he can decide what he wants out of life.

 

Walter

Walter, Relationship Mentor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 11528
Experience: Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)
Walter and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
thank you ..i have ended things and appreciate your advice tremendously..i love a male point of view thank you for answering.

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Mentoring couples on relationship issue and self understanding. (JA's Relationship Mentor)