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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18673
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Dear Candace, my question is about a relationship, that

Resolved Question:

Dear Candace,

my question is about a relationship, that I have been in for 5 plus years.
He continues to have drinks, lunch, with his old girlfriend. She and I have had
dealings, with eachother. She told me that she works near him and that she would see him
When ever she wants. He claims, its no big deal and that he is not attracted to her. Just two
days ago, he told me that he was having drinks with a co -worker. So i decided to drive in to the city. When I got there, I tried several times to reach him. He would not pick up his phone.

So, I just started walking towards the water, not sure were i was going.
I stopped at the one place that I knew, in town. Sure enough, he was there with her.
He claimed, he did not hear his phone. She got right in my face, and told me that she was not a threat to me. He and I left together fighting. I was in shock to see them together.
He has told me for so long, that i was making stuff up and that they were just friends.
It hurt a lot. What do y
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

I don't believe the Candace you mentioned still works here, and hope I can help you with your question.

It would help me if I had a few more details regarding your situation.

First, may I ask your ages?

You mentioned that you've been with him for more than 5 years; how long was he with his ex-girlfriend and how long after they broke up, did you start seeing him?

Do you live together?

Has he been continuing to have drinks/lunch with her, since you've been in the relationship with him?

What sort of dealings have you had with her in the past? Why did you have dealings with her in the past (under what circumstances)?

When he told you he was having drinks with a coworker, was this after work, or during the work day?

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

We are both in our 40s believe it or not!

She has called me on the phone and I ended up giving her a ride home once.

When I started seeing him, he told me that he just ended his last relationship.

(that was with her).

He told me that he runs into her only once in a while and that they are friends.

 

I have asked him several times to stop, and let it go. But he then just does it behind my back. He claims that he loves me, but it seems hard to believe. They are in constant

contact, she texts and calls late at night and he tries to say its somebody else calling.

I have asked him to send her a email, telling her that this is really hurting me and the "friendship" should be more respectful to me. As of yet, he does not want to do that.

 

I do love him, but do not know if i can take it, much longer. I need some good advice!

The drinks are after work, I think.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

You're absolutely right, that his behavior with her is disrespectful to you and he needs to end his relationship with her, if he wants to maintain his relationship with you.

If he's not willing to do this, I don't think you'll be happy unless you discuss ending your relationship with him. There is no room in your relationship with him for a third person, and it seems as if he never got over his former girlfriend. Something caused them to split up, and now that hes 'otherwise involved (with you)', she may have found him more desirable, and kept in touch, intrigued to have an affair with him. They can deny anything happening other than friendship, but I firmly believe if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck! In other words, everything they've done lead to the assumption that they've either been having an affair, or are pretty close to it.

You shouldn't have to share him with her, and he is certainly being caught in many lies to you, which is unacceptable. Honesty is so important in a relationship and when he begins telling you things to cover up his meetings with her, AND taking late night phone calls, this is just plain rude to you.

You'll have to decide if you're ready to end it with him, due to his behavior. I understand that you love him, but do you have his 'whole' heart, if he's still seeing/speaking with her, so often? You deserve to be completely happy and not have to worry about where he is and if he's with her. Having drinks with a co-worker after work is a little different that meeting HER for drinks, after work. She's not his coworker and you already know about his 'meetings' with her.

You're in a difficult situation, but you'll have to weigh all the pros and cons of your current relationship and decide how you want to proceed.

I wish you all the best.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18673
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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