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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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Does insecurity play a role in children whose father commits

Customer Question

Does insecurity play a role in children whose father commits adultery all their lives? I'm 19 years old and I have never had a girlfriend, yet I have been told numerous times that Im attractive and good looking.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


Only if the child saw that infidelity of their parent on a regular basis then it's called a learned behavior but it would make them act just like what they saw I don't think that insecurity plays a role as far as not being able to date women unless his infidelity took away his attention for you then it could make you feel insecure about dating. There are two things that can affect your dating, in order to make someone happy you have to be happy within yourself if your childhood wasn't the greatest and you are holding on to that pain then it will affect you having meaningful and healthy relationship so if this is the case then you have to work on your past demons before you can go into a relationship and trust in your potential mate. I think you may have more of an abandonment issue than an insecurity issue, abandonment teaches children to not trust. It teaches that other people cannot be counted on. It makes them feel they are alone in the world. It makes them believe that no one will be there for them. It may be that your father was so busy cheating that they didn't have time for you and this is where your insecurities stem from. So there for in order to move on from this and have a relationship you have to meet this demon head on. If possible talk to your father and tell him how his cheating when you were a child is now affecting your adult life and dating.


Your abandonment has caused you feelings of worthlessness, unworthiness, unimportance, being invisible. It eliminates and destroys any self-esteem the you may have. It can create a deep-seated anger, an ongoing emptiness, a constant sense of isolation to the point that you are afraid to date or let anyone close to you in fear of them abandoning you also. It's important for you to realize and understand that your father was wrong for neglecting your needs. Don't blame yourself but admit that there is an issue and then deal with it that is the only way of healing is to first admit the problem and then face it head on and if need be seek counseling for these issues especially if you trying to fix these issues on your own is not working. It can help you learn to trust again slowly, little bit by bit to build relationships. Finding someone even if only one or two that you can build meaningful relationships with not just women but male friends also. Working really hard at separating the issues that belong in your past from affecting your future or present relationships. Finding safe but creative ways of building relationships, if you are afraid of meeting people face-to-face, build online relationships. Use an online therapist or an online support group as a starting place. Abandonment is painful, but it is still possible to build positive and healthy relationships with other people. It will take consistent work on your part to overcome the negative, damaging teachings given to you by your father.



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Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Thank You so much. It finally makes things clear. You were able to point out emotions and feelings of mine without knowing me. The response was very helpful and I can finally understand why I was feeling the way I felt.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


You're welcome and remember that there are others that share your abandonment issues but it's up to you to find the easiest way for you to overcome this so that you can finally have a relationship with someone without feeling insecure. Good luck to you!

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