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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18742
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Ive been having a real hard time with so much anger regarding

Resolved Question:

I've been having a real hard time with so much "anger" regarding the relationships I have with 2 of my three step children.

I married their father and 16 years later he died of ALS. Two years after that I was sick and thought it was depression only to find out 3 years later was dx with Stage IV colon cancer.

The son and youngest daughters relationships are my problem.

The son was terrible...in and out of special schools...stealing, lying, pretty much anything. He had no relationship with his father. When I took my husband to Hospice I called and said if you want to see him you better do it now. After my husbands death he apologized for his behavior and for about a year it was good. I came home from a trip and rumor around town (very small town) was that he was going to sue me because he felt that I should support him. At that time he was in his 30's. Living in a small town, people ask me questions about him and I'm truthful, which of course causes more problems between us.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

What is your contact with the youngest children, now? Do you see them/speak to them with any regularity? Do you all still live in the same small town?

Your stepson is currently in his 30's, or what is his age? Is he working?

How old is your stepdaughter?

What kind of relationship do you have with your third stepchild--is that a positive one, with no problems?

How do these two (problem ones) get along with the third sibling?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
<p>Hi Cher</p><p>You helped me before and it was great advice.</p><p> </p><p>Son is 43 and lives in same town. Do not communicate with him. He was always a problem..in and out of schools for troubled kids, quit high school, stealing, lying, you name it. He and his father had a terrible relationship. Dad very down to earth and son Mr. Model and the phony type. My husband and he did not see each other until my husband went to Hospice. I called and said if you want to see him, you better come now. He did. He apologized for his behavior and asked me once again, if we could have a relationship. I said of course. It was good for about a year and then I went out of town and came home and when I was out and about, people were telling me they were sorry that John was taking me to court to try and sue me for support...at that time about 35. The stories are incredible. He now is married and opening up a very high end jewelry shop which I feel sorry for the owner, He's got a bogus resume and a background of nothing but deceit. I do not know his current wife but before, his girlfriends would get to a point where what he told them didn't make sense so they would ask me and I would tell them the truth. Needless to say I wasn't popular but I didn't want them taken. I just found out he foreclosed on his home. None of these kids are in contact with each other,</p><p> </p><p>My youngest daughter lives in another state and she is 34. She is married and has three children ages 13. Her husband was in the mortgage business but now, neither of them have worked for some time.   They are into pyramid schemes. Neither work but yet afford a very expensive house (probably interest only loan) have a nanny, go to the gym, have a lovely life. I read about all this on her facebook or people ask me about her, etc. She only emails me about my opinion on something (usually about something she would like me to pay for) via email and a bit on facebook. I told her I don't want to have a relationship this public so if she'd like me to call her or she call me, that would be better. She doesn't have long distance. I'm angry again at the false lifestyle and also that they have 3 kids with no insurance. All I hear is poor mouth. She has a Master's Degree so I feel she's qualified as is her husband to work.</p><p> </p><p>They basically wait for inheritances from their family members. I think within the last 15 months they inherited about $100,000. BUT they live like kings, and so they probably living on their credit cards and now is paying them off.</p><p> </p><p>The middle daughter is a self sufficent and a very good, honest and giving person. She lives out of state and we email and speak weekly. </p><p> </p><p>Also their mother died of Breast Cancer...and of course their Father ALS. When I got cancer, the oldest and youngest children went to the attorney and asked when they get their inheritenace...I wasn't even dead yet. They were not there during my treatment nor were they there for their father's illiness. I know that losing their mother was huge and give and gave them alot of slack for their non response to their father or me.</p><p> </p><p>WHEW!</p>
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Cher:
I would like to request that this be kept private and not published as I have recommended so many people to this site and they use it..,this would be very obvious should someone I know read it.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again,

Yes, I knew your name looked familiar and I'm happy to help, again! : )

I just read your 'request' that this be kept private, and I'll ask a Moderator how to do that; I think the answer can be 'locked' after you accept it, so you don't have to worry.

Your assessment of the two children that are selfish and only interested in what YOU can do for THEM is very accurate and such a shame. I feel that with all you have gone through with your husband's illness and passing, and then dealing with your own illness (I hope all is well, now!), it's obvious these children think only of themselves and will never be caring human beings. Money and 'appearances' mean everything to them, and they are losing out on so much in life!

I would not be so 'truthful' with the townspeople who inquire about the children, because it's none of their business, and they know there's bad blood there, so they're just trying to gossip to satisfy their own curiosity. Family business is family business and they don't have to know anything if you don't tell them. 'They're doing fine', is all you need to say.

I think you should not concentrate and stress on the 'anger' you have toward these 2 selfish children, and continue your wonderful and fulfilling relationship with the middle daughter, because she and you have so much in common and you enjoy being in contact with her because she's such a good, caring person.

Ir's a shame they lost their mother at a young age and then lost their father, later, but they should have appreciated your advice, goodness, setting a great example, for how they should conduct themselves. It might have been too late, if they were both already into this bad lifestyle, your stepson with his lying and cheating, and your daughter with her living high on the hog, with not that much money.

Concentrate on yourself and the good and fulfilling things in your life, and both of these ungrateful children will get what's due them. You've heard the expression, "What goes around, comes around"? They won't be able to keep up with their deceit and lies for long, and when the stuff hits the fan, you will NOT be there to bail them out. They should be giving, loving people and not waiting for relatives to pass on, to get inheritances. No good, honest person thinks like that.

Just keep the children's lives to yourself, re: the nosy neighbors, and continue to enjoy your relationship with the 'good' daughter; boast about HER, when they ask how the children are, and just say, the others are 'fine'. Oh, and I agree, re: the Facebook communication--too public, and it makes me uncomfortable, too. Definitely only communicate through email, phone, or leave a private message, saying 'check your email', instead of actually writing a message through that venue.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I feel this and probably know this. There is so much guilt on my part...the divorce (not my doing...it could have been anybody but it was me)...then being the surviving wicked step mother... then being the surviving cancer patient. I just feel that I wake up everyday feeling there are two people who would love to see me dead to gain financially and it hurts. I've given all the kids till I broke it off because I was enabling them. That DIVORCE was terrible. The cancer is always a scare, even after 10 years...no known tumor activity but the blood work is high. I've been to couselors for various issues (ALS group, widows group, cancer group, etc.) but never felt they really helped. I did go to one woman but she wasn't challenging. I feel that if I am wrong, I want to work on it. If I were to go and see someone, what type of therapy would you recommend?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
A side note...none of the kids get along with each other. Also when people in the neighborhood ask me about the son, it's usually telling me he got fired or stole something, etc....
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again,

Well, then let THEM tell YOU things, and just say 'Oh, that's too bad', and walk away.

You WERE enabling them, and you had to break it off for the sake of your sanity and your health, and to teach them they need to stand on their own two feet. Try not to feel guilty about that; you did the right thing.

It's very important to choose the right therapist and I'm glad that you've already chosen to see counselors in the past, and join support groups, because only people who have gone through the same type of thing, can truly understand how you feel. First, I'd seek a Board Certified therapist in family counseling, who has experience with stepparents' relationships with stepchildren; I'd try to find a woman, as opposed to a man, and interview a few; ask a couple of key questions regarding your situation, and see how you like their answers. You should be able to tell who would be most effective, from those meetings.

Cher

Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18742
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank You Cher...
Again you are right on. Yes, I need some to vent/relate/confide, etc in someone and figure out how all this should work from my end.
Be well and again, Many Thanks.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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