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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18781
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I caught my husband texting his old girlfriend. Told her he

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I caught my husband texting his old girlfriend. Told her he loved her, he made a new email acct and was emailing her. This "old girlfriend" was the reason for his divorce from his first wife - he had an affair w/ her, she had an affair w/ him. When I found the texts on his phone, I got the phone # XXXXX told him to end it now. He seems contrite and says he loves me, he was just thinking about her. I asked him WHY he would tell her he loves her and he has no reason. He went through Linkedin to get in touch with her, I saw his messages to her, said he had been thinking of her alot. Also I went on our Verizon wireless acct and he planned so far as to get a calling card, figuring he'd call her that way. I told him, three in a marriage don't work, told him to end it and he called her and left a message about two weeks ago saying he was going to ruin his marriage if he contacted her and said sorry, that was it. Not sure what to do now. We are trying to work things through. When we first got married, I found a pic of her in his wallet two days before our marriage (should have known then) and then a year after, went through his briefcase ( I guess I was wondering) and found about 10 pics of her. He says they went through a lot together. I had told him I was very uncomfortable w/ this. He's telling me every day now he loves me. He made a mistake. Her life seems great, he says. She's traveling all over and he's home here w/ me, they talked about what could have been. I told him WE are living every day life, not a fantasy. His talks with her a nice because it's all fantasy - they don't live life every day. He gets it, I think. He was texting her, texint pics to each other, from a man who knocked texts all the time. He seems like he wants to work through things, tells me he loves me, says he wants us to out more, which I want to also, but now I'm very apprehensive. He gave me all his passwords to his emails and eveything. I had asked him if he sent her anything, he said no, then I found an email of him to her daughter saying, I sent your mom a package with a card for you, you should get it soon. I asked him if there's anything else I should know about, he says no. We are in Jersey, she is in Georgia. Her kids are grown and out, we have a 9 year old from our marriage. She is obviously living the high life, running here thre and everywhere while we raise our kids from previous marriages and this marriage (only one from this marriage). I also said to him, hey, every time you got "together" with her and spent an extended period of time w/ her, it went bad, and you still want MORE?????sorry for all the additions, they don't give you a lot of space to write in the beginning.

PS he was diagnosed w/ prostate cancer in March, getting ready for surgery. I'm trying to justify I guess the cancer thing with him trying to reconnect, although the "I love yous" he has said to her are not really making me HAPPY, shall I say. He also was on his cell w/ her at 4:00 in the morning at work (he's a police officer), so he could pretty much contact her anytime and I'd never know unless I keep tabs on his cell phone, which I cancelled his texting and am watching his use EVERY day now. Pretty disappointed with him and w/ everything. What do I do now???

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi, and thanks for your question.

How long have you been married?

Is his old girlfriend married?

Did you know anything about her, when you married him?

Did her previous affair with him cause the break-up of HER marriage at the time, also?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Cher

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

We'll be married for 10 years in September. His old girlfriend is going through her second divorce right now. I knew about her before we were married - I got copies of my husband's divorce papers and her divorce papers and they were both named in each other's divorce papers as the catalyst for the divorce. When we were getting ready to move in together, he had a pic of her in a heart shaped frame in his desk. I found it and asked, is the girl in the heart shaped frame coming to live with us and he said no - that's one of the pictures I found in his briefcase over a year later. The affair broke up both of their first marriages. As I said, he seems extremely sorry, says he never meant to hurt me, has broken off contact with her. I told him it's like a fairy tale, no bad news, no bills to pay, no hearing about the day-to-day activities, and he got caught up in it. He seems to realize it was a big mistake. Just not sure where to turn to now. We've been spending lots of time together, really cuddling, holding on, just staying close to each other and I just have to get past it. There was no physical contact with her at all, just the phone calls, emails, text messaging pics and messages.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

I think you're taking a very good attitude towards this situation and doing the right thing in trying to save your marriage, by spending a lot of time together with your husband, and staying close.

I'm glad to hear there was no actual physical contact with her, but I'm sure he realizes what he did was wrong in emailing her and communicating in the ways he did, while being a married man. Some men and women find it very difficult to stay faithful, and you are to be commended for looking at this from the point of view you've expressed and wanting to do the most you can, to keep your marriage together. Keeping close tabs on his phone, email, texting (which you said you canceled--good for you!) is the only way to save him from himself, so I'm glad you've decided this is a necessity.

I hope he knows what a wonderful woman he's married to, and I really give you credit for sticking with it, and not giving up on him. Continue with all your positive attitude and 'together', loving activities, and everything should work out well.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18781
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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