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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Dear XXXXX (Sorry, Candace - I prefer interfaith to Christian) Im

Resolved Question:

Dear XXXXX (Sorry, Candace - I prefer interfaith to Christian):

I'm a Unitarian Universalist, and as you may know, UUs aren't big on guilt. However, I recently made a mistake that I feel really guilty about: I slept with my best girl-friend's boyfriend, who happens to be my ex. He didn't feel guilty and didn't want to confess to my g'friend (for fear of hurting her & of being evicted), but I confessed because I'm honest & wanted her to know the type of person she's dating.

My g'friend hasn't spoken to me since I confessed on 7/20. My ex continues to IM me all the time; at first he was furious with me for spilling the beans, but now he's all friendly and flirtatious. He says he still wants me but claims that he won't act on it (yeah, right - we both have high libidos). BTW, my therapist says that from everything she's heard about my ex, he sounds a bit sociopathic.

So, (how) can I make amends with my g'friend AND get my ex to leave me alone, ideally without making him hurt/angry?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello,

The Marie to whom you refer, I believe is no longer working here; I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

I think your ex is all friendly and flirtatious now, because your best girl-friend is giving him a hard time, and he wants to keep you as an 'ally'. You didn't mention if they are still going out/living together, after this incident. Maybe you did your girl-friend a favor by getting them to separate, if there's a possibility he's sociopathic.

His seemingly recent obsessive behavior with you does appear to be unhealthy, and it's important that you and he no longer have contact. First, try the 'nice' approach; tell him (not in person) that you feel badly about giving in to your libido at that time, it was wrong, but you don't want to hurt your girl-friend any more, and that means no more contact with him. Tell him it's for the 'good' of everyone involved, and reiterate how you're sure he doesn't want to further hurt his girlfriend. If he continues to IM you, answer with one line answers that are not relevant to what happened. Change the subject to something unrelated to the two of you and I think he will soon become bored. If he continues the contact, ignore and/or block his IM's. He'll get the idea.

As far as your girl-friend goes, I think it would be best to be honest with her, and tell her you made a big error in judgment, feel so badly about it, and you value her friendship more than anything. Tell her in a way, your mistake turned out better for her, because now she can see he can't remain faithful to her. Explain that you wanted her to know what kind of guy he is, because she deserves a guy she can trust.

It's not going to be easy, winning back her friendship, but after some awkward meetings, you'll eventually get back to the level of friendship you had, if you were truly best friends. After you apologize, don't bring up the subject again, and if she brings it up, start talking about something else and tell her that's in the past and it's where it should remain.

It's very smart of you to see a therapist to talk things out.

I wish you much good luck in the future, and hope everything works out well for you.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18868
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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