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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18727
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I have been dating my girlfriend now for about 8 months and

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I have been dating my girlfriend now for about 8 months and I truly am falling in love with her. However I have a small issue. first of all let me state that we are in the caribbean on an island of about 35,000 people. She grew up in another country and moved here about 2 years ago. however she used to visit here off and on over the past 3 years now. Anyways a few occasions we would end up talking about people she slept with or made out with (kissing) and the people that she would mention would be wayyyy younger than her and very immature and non ambitious. I am 34 she is 30. The guy she named was like 24 or something and a looser. I own my own company with about 11 employees here and do quite well. Just tonight she told me that she knew and kissed this kid who used to date my little 16yo cousin! he is like 22 now but it was 2 years ago when she did this. And she never did anything more. I feel really upset and embarassed about this and the way she allows men to be with her.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your question.

I understand why this is bothering you and you have every right to be bothered. It's very possible that she is not as mature as you, and not mature for her age; this may be due to coming from another country/culture, where she may have not been 'allowed' to exhibit this type of behavior. She may have thought that being with a man was the only way to get him to like her, and this is often behavior exhibited by people with low self-esteem.

If you feel you're falling in love with her, and therefore picturing a possible future life with her, you need to know for sure that she will be faithful to you and not be led astray by a sweet-talking man (younger or otherwise).

Discuss your feelings about her being with much younger men, and tell her you hope that's out of her system. See what she has to say. Keep the discussion calm and 'factual' and don't pick a fight, but let her know your feelings and that it's all in the past, and since she's with you, now, she doesn't need to bring up the subject again.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Cher

She is drop dead gorgeous and is mullato. She grew up in Canada her whole life but her father is a native to these islands. She watched her mom die from cancer at the age of 17 and she started using drugs (marijuana) and alcohol heavily since then. She has been sexually active since she was 15 and had an abortion at the age of 16. Might I mention that her mom was first diagnosed when she was 15. She still cries and talks about how she misses her mom sometimes. Her father who is from here was never there for her growing up and when her mom passed she had no one to turn to. Her grandparents did not take her in because they thought she was too rebelious. So she ended up with her first husband at the age of 18 stayed with him for 9 years and was severely abused both verbally and physically. she then started making trips to the another neighbouring island but different country and began a 2 year relationship with a man who never really wanted her but she was behind him. He cheated on her like crazy and even too her face. She then started visiting here back and forth and decided to move here full time. But now I am starting to hear about certain little flings or even kisses she had with people who i have to see often (size of island) and i am wondering how to deal with how I feel eventhough for the past 8 months we have had a pretty good relationship. And she does not want to talk about her past anymore with me because earlier today I told her she had low standards because she kissed that little boy (eventhough she said he lied about his age). I feel confused is this the right person for me.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

Well, it certainly sounds like she's gone through a lot in her young life. I'm glad she found you, to hopefully provide her with the emotional stability she needs so badly!

Because she lost her mother at such a young age, and she really had no benefit of parental guidance, she made many mistakes in her past, and hopefully, she has learned from her mistakes. While I understand your feeling of embarrassment and discomfort, upon seeing people she may have been involved with, or people who know about her past flings, due to the small population on the island, it's important for you to look at who she really is, why you feel you're falling in love with her (beyond her looks), and decide if you would like to continue the relationship.

It makes sense now, why she may have involved herself with younger men; she really didn't have a normal 'dating/teenage' life, since her mother died when she was 15, and she found herself unhappily married at such a young age, and in an abusive relationship. All the things you related re; her past has contributed to her low self-esteem and she thought by giving guys what they wanted, they would 'like' her; she was seeking the approval she never got from her own father or her grandparents.

Hopefully, now that she's with you, she will gain more confidence in herself as a person, and in your relationship. However, once again, only you can decide if you think she's not the right/best person for you. If her past is so disturbing to you, would you consider leaving her and dating someone else? You have some thinking to do, and if you decide to stay with her for the time being, let it roll off your back, what other people may think or say. She's not the same person now, and you're not a 'fling'.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for the reply Cher. Since I have met her she has been so great and wonderful to me and has cut down on going out nd drinking significantly. We do everything together and have been living together for about 3 months. We argue sometimes but for the most part we are like best friends. And I feel comfortable with her. It is just my pride i guess.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again,

I agree; your pride is hurt when she tells you about these past 'dalliances', and about who might know, but if you get along so well, you're now living together, and you feel like she's your best friend, it does sound like you have something wonderful. It sounds like her behavior is being modified and you are a positive influence on her, so give her more of a chance and see how things go.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18727
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Cher you are such a great person to talk to. I appreciate your advice greatly. Take care
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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