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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18647
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Hi, Ive been in a relationship for 3 years now. My boyfriend

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Hi, I've been in a relationship for 3 years now. My boyfriend and I live together and have a nice, drama-free relationship. (Being divorced for 5 years now, I appreciate that.) However, for the last couple years, especially the last year, I've been feeling stuck in a rut with this man. I'm 33, no children. He's 38 and has a 16 year old son who does not live with us at this time, but did in the past.

Dave is a great guy. I'm really lucky to have him. He'd never cheat on me, my family thinks he's great and he treats me like a princess. We've been thinking about purchasing a home together.

Our relationship was rocky the 1st year-breaking up, getting back together. I like being in control of many things (finances, etc.), and it took a while for Dave to get used to that. Now, we don't even argue-he just does whatever I ask. But, I know that's not right or fair to him. Dave also doesn't have much ambition. He is a dj and although makes good money, doesn't really want much
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

Do you feel that the fact Dave has given in and allowed you to control most of the aspects of your life together, like finances, etc., has contributed to you feeling like you're in a rut? It's possible that you feel perhaps you miss the occasional argument over something small, just because it adds a little 'spice' to the relationship. If you and Dave get along great, like doing things you mutually enjoy, and have a non-rocky relationship at this time, you're way ahead of many couples, in the grand scheme of things.

If you feel things have become too 'routine' and perhaps that why you feel like you're in a rut with Dave, you could suggest doing some activities (both in the house and outside) to add more interest and challenge, to your normal routine. Spicing things up in the bedroom is always fun and enhances an already good relationship, and doing outside activities you both have planned on doing, but never got around to yet, would be a good idea at this time.

If you feel you would like to have children, and perhaps *that's* what's missing from your life, discuss it with your boyfriend, to gauge his feelings, since he already has a teenaged son.

If, for all Dave's attributes, you feel you might prefer a man who has more ambition and adds a little more 'umph' to your life, you might consider a trial separation to re-evaluate your priorities and go out with some other men to see if someone interests you more.

It does sound like you have an ideal situation, as viewed from the outside looking in, but if you are not as truly happy as you feel you could be, in the relationship, you owe it to yourself to try to find the 'missing part' of the relationship you seek. Don't move ahead with any home purchase, if you are not absolutely sure you will be continuing this relationship for a long time to come.

I wish you much good luck, and only future happiness!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX initial post cut me off since it was quite long. Dave is great, but we haven't been intimate for 6 months or so-even kissing! I'm not attracted to him at all. We just got back from Florida and I thought maybe it would bring some intimacy back, but it didn't. He eats terrible, doesn't exercise and is on 2 blood pressure meds! He's 38, 6'7", and not overweight either. (I used to be a weight trainer and my ex husband was a professional ultimate fighter. We were both in incredible shape.)

 

I would like him to step up and take some responsibility. I do like to have control on many issues, but I think it's b/c I've never dated or been with someone who is really responsible, so I feel like I must be the one to take total responsibility. If I ask Dave to do something, he'll do it. There's just no initiative or ambition to make his life much better than it is. He's also very lazy. We always talk about doing fun things, but never really do. We don't share any hobbies. I've initiated plans to do things, but I get so tired of always being the one to do so. He's never in 3 years even planned to take me to a nice dinner. It's always, "What do you feel like doing/eating?" For once, I'd like him to be a man! Make a decision, have some goals, etc. My goals have become his goals. It doesn't seem like he has any of his own.

 

I don't want any children and that's not an issue with us.

 

Part of me thinks I like to be with men that need "fixing". Like, they need me to show them a better way of life, etc. I don't want to fix someone though. I want someone that also takes care of me.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with the additional details of your question.

You mentioned in your initial post: "I like being in control of many things (finances, etc.), and it took a while for Dave to get used to that. Now, we don't even argue-he just does whatever I ask. But, I know that's not right or fair to him." It sounds like you got him used to the way you wanted things, and he sort of lost his way, regarding taking the initiative for doing anything on his own. This may account for his lack of spontaneity or inventiveness re: activities he may want to do with you, and even him asking you out for a nice dinner. However, he may have been like this before you met him, and was never really the romantic type or the sort of person to plan activities. Maybe he prefers staying home(?).

I understand completely what you mean by maybe you just like to be with men who need 'fixing' and once they're 'fixed', it becomes boring for you, because your 'job' is done. You've certainly accomplished a lot, though; most men are very difficult to change and bring around to your way of thinking! : )

The lack of intimacy for a six month period, is significant, and I don't blame you for being upset about that. It could be that his poor physical condition and medications have decreased his sex drive. It's understandable that you're not attracted to him at this time, because you are used to treating your body a a temple and he doesn't even try. *Something* initially attracted you to him, so try to recapture that feeling and see if it's helpful. If not, then you might have to decide to leave the relationship, if you're not completely happy. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and staying in a relationship where you are critical of many of his habits, not enjoying any intimacy, and tired of always being the one to initiate anything, does not sound like you're happy. It's understandable that you want someone to also take care of you. You deserve it, and it needs to be mutual.

Think about what you want to do, and it might be time to move on, if you are not satisfied on many levels, in this relationship. Dave does sound like a nice guy, but it seems you need more 'spark' in a relationship, to feel happy.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Because he is such a nice guy it's hard to make the final decision on whether to stay or not. I've looked at the pros and cons of both sides and it's so confusing. Do I stay with him b/c I know what a good thing I've got and try to become intimate again, and just deal with all the little annoyances such as not being able to make decisions, taking the lead, etc? (He's never been inventive, even before I met him. I've actually gotten him to be less lazy than he used to be!) Or, do I finally end this like I've tried to many times in the past? I keep going back to this last feeling every few months or so. Maybe that should tell me something. But, I don't want to give up a kind, loving guy if I know I can get these issues resolved. But when it comes to some of the issues, such as the lifelong laziness, lack of ambition, etc., are those things that a person can really change about themselves? I know this decision is ultimately only mine to make, but any advice as to which direction it sounds like I should take and why, is greatly appreciated.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again,

Yes, you are in a dilemma and I can completely empathize. I can tell you this, from experience: lifelong laziness and lack of ambition are most likely things a person cannot change; however, in this case, he might not want to change, or see a benefit of changing. If he likes his job, makes money at it, finds it rewarding, why should he feel like he has to do anything more? I'm not taking his side, just guessing at why he may be staying with his present career path. Also, DJ's are usually into 'the music', and don't require much more than the basics, as you describe.

While he does sound like a nice guy (and let's face it, nowadays, they are difficult to come by), and I understand your reason for not wanting to give up what might be a wonderful man, if you were able to change certain things about him, up until now, it's possible you could change more about him, to suit you better. For the moment, I think you should stay a while longer, give it a try, see if you can do some 'behavior modification' with him, and definitely try to be intimate again.

Allow yourself a reasonable time period to stay in the relationship, and if, at the end of that time, you see no forward movement in the things that drive you crazy, consider again, if it's time to move on. Just remember, basically, the man is not going to change, but you can never tell. Try being more direct with him. Tell him to MAKE the reservation for dinner at a restaurant you both like, for a pre-arranged night out. If you keep directing him to do it on a steady basis, he should get the idea, and then start doing it on his own. Try this with other activities, as well. Even though you don't want to be the one to do everything, you might have to, for a while longer, until he picks up the reins and does more, himself. Also, praise him a lot! When he does something or initiates an activity, tell him how much you LOVE this (whatever you're doing) and you're SO glad he thought of it! A little praise goes a long way! It will make him want to do it again, knowing how much it pleased you. Try role playing (in the bedroom, too), and ask him to pretend that he's 'the boss', and to 'take over', directing you what to do. This little exercise might help him become a 'self-starter', more easily.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18647
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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