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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21298
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Hello. Me and my fiance got engaged early this year. I am 21

Customer Question

Hello. Me and my fiance got engaged early this year. I am 21 years old and I work and go to school, both full time. When we first got engaged I was taking a bread from school so I had more time to go over. His parents were very nice and caring. All of a sudden, one day, I had a coversation with his Mom on where we are planning to live when we get married (Summer of next year). Where we have planned to live is only 7-10 minutes away from there house. She blew off at me and said that we can only settle down in the same city that they live in. I was in total shock and tried to explain as calmly as possible that the city they live in is way too far from my work/school and we have decided on an area that will be convenient for bot me and my fiance. Since then things have not been the same. Like she has a grudge against me. She has been telling my fiance things like I have changed after the engagement, that if 1 thing does not go my way I will end up divorcing him, etc.. what should I do??
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.

Your fiance's mother was really out of line when she made this comment to you. You and her son made this decision about where to live, based on it's proximity to both your jobs, and your school. A 7-10 minute drive to visit his parents and/or for them to visit you, is certainly not considered a 'long' drive. Many parents would love for their married children to live so close!

It would not be inappropriate for you to ask your fiance's mother (or your fiance) if there's a specific reason why she said she wants you to live in the same city as them. While I can understand how a 7-10 minute drive can bring you into another city (town), different zipcode, etc., certainly the *distance* from his parents' house cannot be disputed as the reason she doesn't want you to live where you have chosen.

The other negative things she has been saying to her son about you, are totally inappropriate. If he has shared these things his mother has said, it's obvious he doesn't believe them, and you're still engaged, you're still in love, and that's wonderful. It's a shame when an in-law (or future in-law) has to meddle in this potentially destructive way. You're going to have to be careful with your conversations with his mother/parents in the future. Don't offer any information, and try to always speak to her when your fiance is present, so he can defend your 'collective' position on the subject, for you both.

Just remember, you're marrying your fiance, not his mother. All you can do, is continue to be yourself, don't say anything to set her off (I wouldn't bring up where you'll be living at all, in the future), and keep your visits short.

I wish you and your fiance much good luck!


Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Do you think this will be the cause of them finding more drama though? I didn't call or go over the past 2 weeks because I was tired and stressed from full time work and summer school finals. This is when she started talking all this crap about me. Because I talked to her about the house situation after that day and we supposedly came to an understanding. But these two weeks I didn't go and she started to be pessimistic and try to brainwash him. Another thing she blames me in is that my fiance actually speaks up now and gives his opinion. They claim that he would never talk and did as they wished. He has explained to them that it is a time in his life where he needs to give his opinion and make decisions since he is starting his own life and building his own home.
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

I didn't realize that you had already talked to her about the house situation on that day, so under the present circumstances, no, I wouldn't bring it up again.

If you were particularly busy over the past 2 weeks, due to work and finals, no one could fault you for not going over there.

If your fiance was quiet before, but now is expressing his opinion, that's great. His mother is used to him always taking her advice/following what she suggested, unconditionally. She's his mother and has his best interest at heart; but, I'm so glad he stood up for himself and told her he's starting his own life now, with you.
That's probably what set her off making negative comments about you; what he said was probably hurtful to her, as he's never spoXXXXX XXXXXke that before, but you should be so proud of him, that he made that statement.

No mother thinks anyone is good enough for their son; it's not you. She doesn't dislike you as a person. She can't bear the thought of him 'sharing' himself with another woman, as that would mean he's not her 'little boy' anymore. He'll always be her child, but he's a grown man now, and as he said, starting a life of his own, with the woman he loves. Many women experience mother in law problems like this, so don't feel you caused any of it.

After your finals are over, go to visit them and talk about how busy you've been with work and finals, and you're glad the tests are finally over, so now you can relax, somewhat. Don't bring up the house situation again, and if she does, let your fiance handle it, or you can simply say, "we've already discussed that and I know (your fiance's name) has also talked to you about it, so that subject is closed. How are YOU? You look wonderful! Have you been in the sun, you look tan" or something else, more applicable, to compliment her.

She won't like you living/moving where you're moving, and she might always bring it up. Try to take it with a grain of salt, considering the source, and don't let her rope you into a discussion about it; tell her there's nothing more to discuss, and change the subject. As long as you're polite and respectful and refuse to discuss it, she should get the hint.