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Ask Cher Your Own Question
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21301
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My husband cheated on me several times and we are trying to

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My husband cheated on me several times and we are trying to work things out. He seems to be changing for me and every couple of days we fight, but we don't break up. I have trouble trusting him and I am doing my best to cope. The thing that bothers me the most is the images of these other women and what he did with them crops up everyone so often and I go into a tirade. How do I deal with these images?
Hello, and thanks for your question.

May I ask your ages?

How long have you been married?

Do you know the women he's cheated with, and that's why you're picturing him with them, or are you just imagining what he did with them?

Has he described any of his behavior with them, to you, or again, are you just imagining what it was like?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Hello Cher, Thank you for taking upon my question.

I am 35 and he is 38, our birthdays and anniverseries are on the 3rd and 4th of August. We've been married for 10 years. The first time he did this I was obese and I fell into a depression. I have 2 beautiful boys. Since I came from a family that my Father was abusive (verbally to me, physically and verbally to others) I didn't want my husband to assume the role to correct the children, I wanted him to play "daddy is fun" and he is and he is a wonderful Father. I've only seen the pictures of the women and I am very much like my Father in that I wanted to know everything and so I pressed him to tell me and he told me. Of course my answer has already been answered in that I shouldn't have pressed him for details, I realize part of this is my fault, but I had to know because I have been violated. My husbands body is mine and I wanted to know what was done to it by someone else. I went for tests to make sure that I didn't catch anything, and thank God the results came back negative. I was drinking Vodka almost every night, then went to beer and finally I am trying not to drink at all. I smoke quite a bit and currently trying to quit that as well. These things I have to do because I have a heart anuryism and a touch of sarcoidosis, all these I found out within the last year, to which I am currently still having tests conducted. My husband brought this problem into our marriage. He told me that he saw me as "his salvation", to which I found out that a lot of men who are seeking escape do the same thing. I have a big mouth and I can get really wrathy at times to the place of being absolute livid. We keep in constant contact while he and I are working and we have lunch everyday at noon. He is getting counselling and the counsellor said that "your wife will need some counselling as well, this marriage has hope". I found out about this last affair in Sept of 2008, AFTER he left me saying that I was the problem, and then I found out his sleazy conversations on his messenger service on the internet with the local whore. When he came back to get his things, I told him that he was exposed, to which the tables dramatically turned around, now he was begging me not to leave him. This is turning into a saga I know but the end is near. I want you to know that I love sex. But he wasn't giving me anything for 13 days. I was talking to my brother about this because I came to the place that I just didn't care anymore, he wanted to talk to my husband to which he laid down the rules of why men and women get married in the first place. A lot of good came out of that. Oh, and I own my own business. Dee
Hi again, Dee, and thanks for your reply with additional and detailed information.

I'm glad that you wrote as much as you did, because it helps me understand all the facets of your relationship with your husband, and all the facts about the current situation. You described everything very well, so I can understand the order of events and where you're up to, now.

Right now, with your husband in counseling and still meeting with him every day for lunch, having open communication with him is very good. I agree that you too, should be in counseling, and in addition to your individual counseling, you should also see a couples/marriage counselor who is experienced in guiding couples through these types of events.

I completely understand why you needed to know 'everything' and why you can't get the images out of your head. You're a strong person; many wives wouldn't want to stay in the marriage after what your husband has done. You are making a good choice for your boys, and being optimistic re: the future of your marriage. Some men just have 'cheating' in their genes and they are weak against conquering it. However, because he's in counseling, he's doing something to help himself realize how he's been wrong in so many ways, how he's hurt you, and how he wants to change his behavior.

Try not to badger him and get into arguments anymore with him, about the subject. When you do this, you might be undoing all the progress the therapist has made with him. He KNOWS you're angry/upset, and he knows he's done something wrong and hurtful. Continuing to remind him about it and getting into arguments about it, is not helping the situation. Oh, it would be lovely for you to forgive and forget, and I know you're trying, as evidenced by allowing him to still being in the marriage, but it's difficult. Forgiving is one thing, the forgetting is quite something else, as you are experiencing.

When these images come into your mind, willfully distract your thinking to another, unrelated matter. Think about something that makes you happy, like your boys; think about a business matter that you need to plan a strategy on. Or, try to replace that image with a scene you can see through your mind's eye, which is calming to you; for example, if you like the ocean, picture the waves rolling calmly onto the shore, with sparkling white sands and a brilliant blue sky up above. Picture yourself lounging in a chair on that beach, carefree, with no worries and only the sounds of the seagulls and waves surrounding you. Complete one talking, nothing to think about except how the sea breeze smells refreshing and the rolling rhythm of the waves are lulling you into a state of complete calm.

You wanted to know 'all' and you now you know, but in addition to everything else going on in your life, medically, plus trying to save your marriage and save your husband from himself, you need to push these images from your mind and not dwell on them so you can also save yourself.

Try to start counseling for you, talk all this out with the therapist, and even though you feel like it will never leave your mind, time is really an excellent healer. It *will* take time, nothing is 'instant', but, eventually, more happy events/images will replace those that upset you, and I think you're a spectacular person for trying to save your marriage and not leaving your husband. A lesser woman wouldn't have been so strong!

I wish you only the best.

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