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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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Hello, my life is falling apart in front of my eyes and I

Resolved Question:

Hello,
my life is falling apart in front of my eyes and I do not know what to do. My boyfriend and I are together for almost 8 years, we love each other very much. He is 26 and I am 25. We always talk about our problems openly although it is very difficult sometimes. A couple of weeks ago he said that he lost sexual interest in me a while ago and he did not know how to talk about it so far. He said he cannot imagine his future without me and that he wants to try to get the spark back. He was really honest about it and now he is depressed because the things he said were obviously hurting me. I feel empty and I am scared I will lose him. We always dreamed about how we are going to spend the rest of our lives together. We are the type of couple that others envy because we get along so well. We respect each other and are only happy if we are close to each other. But sex has kind of always been a problem. I- we need to solve this. Help me.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer/p>

 

-What are your ages?

 

-In what ways has sex always been a problem?

 

-Has anything changed with either of you that would put you in this crossroads of your relationship?

 

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He is 26 and I am 25. He is my first love, I have never been with another guy. The problem we had since the beginning is that he had premature ejaculation that I think really bothered and bothers him. We talked about it a lot and first I thought maybe that is why he does not want sex as much as it would be normal. I am sure it is really hard for a guy to handle. I always liked to be with him, he is very gentle and when we had a 'second round' it was always longer. It just seemed to turn him down. After like 3 years we had less and less sex, and he does not like if I am the one who initiate it. Other ways nothing really changed. We spend a lot of time together, we are really close. Beside sexually.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

You may think what you are experiencing is not common but it's very common to lose the spark in a relationship especially if you have been dating since you both were teenagers. This is a common occurrence in relationships that started when the couple was very young, things become very routine and dull and boring and then they could finds themselves wondering how to get the spark back. There are many things you can do to get the spark back into the relationship and at the same time make your relationship healthier and happier at the same time. If you lost what attracted you to each other in the first place and you have to find that again. Make it a point to schedule one-on-one date night with each other, plan special times to spend together. Even if it means setting up a lunch date with him. Whether it's once a week or once a month, looking forward to and enjoying dates will improve communication and spark your love for each other. Go back to the things you love to do together that brought you closer to each other like hobbies, vacation, and most important be spontaneous with each other don't always plan something together surprise him with something special every once in a while like waiting at home with lingerie on or a nice bubble bath for two or a romantic dinner for two with candles and all of his favorite foods.

 

When it comes it his issues of premature ejaculation then sometimes distraction is the solution that is used most often. This remedy helps many men to delay orgasm. It is an effective solution and it is used by more men than any other method. The best way to use it is by thinking about unpleasant thoughts while you are having sex if you think about unpleasant things during sex it will take him longer to ejaculate and therefore he can please you as well as himself. Another technique that helps to postpone his climax although not as common and not the norm involves pain. Pinching himself or having you pinch him during sex is an effective method to delay orgasm for some individuals.These techniques to stop premature ejaculation are used by many men and, of course, there are other remedies available which involve the use of drugs and other chemical solutions but you would have to talk to a health expert about that. However using natural techniques are you can try them for free. But unfortunately, these techniques may not work for everyone and then you will have to go to your Doctor and talk about medical alternatives but your boyfriend has to want to fix the problem and be willing to talk about this sometimes embarrassing topic that men go through. If you would like to talk to a health expert let me know and I will transfer you to one.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We were also thinking to talk to a sex expert about this. This whole thing has come to a point when sexy lingerie does not work. I changed my hairstyle and went through a whole makeover to help the situation but it got us nowhere. It happens many times that I put on something nice and I feel that it is actually bothering him, or he is feeling forced to make love to me. We only kiss during sex which really bothers me. He is the nicest guy but it is just killing me that he is not attracted to me anymore sexually. When we talk about it we are guessing what could cause this. Seeing in a guys mind is very hurtful to me. When he says he fantasizing about having sex with others but never me.When he says he sees me beautiful but not sexy. When he says I never really make him want me the way it was before. Before we got together we were really good friends. But he once said altough I am really pretty he did not pick me because I was his type. I always compare myself to his exgirlfriend. He said the sexual attraction to her was much stronger than it is with me, but the emotional thing was missing. I do not know what else to try and I am loosing my hope. Do you think we should try sex counselling? It is very hard to live with the thought that he does not find me sexy. He says he cannot imagine himself with anybody, he want to have kids with me and he want me one day to be his wife but sexually...What is wrong with us? I see he cannot figure out what is wrong, and it is hurting him too. He does not like to see my cry, which happens a lot lately. How can 2 people who love each other so much have such a problem?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I think he is tired of the constant disappointment of not being able to perform the way he wants to makes him not want to have sex but like I said at the beginning of my first answer it's hard when you have been together so long to keep things exciting and new and if both aren't making an effort to make things better. I don't think the two of you are ready for a sex therapist yet I think you should start out with Couples counseling first and figure out when and why you got to this place and then once you can figure that out and what you both can to do to make that better then you could try a sex therapist. If you do not get the help you need now it may be the end of your relationship because neither of you are happy and it's not getting any better doing it alone.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Do you think counselling has a chance to solve this problem? I mean I do not have any friends who tried any kind of therapy, do they usually effective?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Counseling can be quite affective if both people want their life to be happier than it has been but you both have to be completely honest about the way you are feeling and what got you to this point. This means totally opening yourself up to the fact that you have an issue and then be able to do the work to correct those issues together. Also you have to give it some time and not give up, these problems didn't happen overnight and they are not going to fix themselves overnight neither.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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