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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18561
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Hi, My gf as an eating disorder and dumped me last Saturday,

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Hi, my gf as an eating disorder and dumped me last Saturday, she says she still as feelings for me, but cant's be in a relationship before she straightens out her problem, something she as to do herself she says. Also, she says there is no guarantees for are relationship, so don't hang around and hope she says.... but she really wants to remain friends because we've been through so much together (abortion). Actually she had broken up once with me before, about 4 months ago and we had just started seeing each other again about 3 weeks ago. She initiated the contact and apologized for everything and giving me alot of attention these last three weeks... Now she wants time apart so next time we see each other it will be as friends. What should I do because she knows I want to help her, but may associate me as the problem because I am a fitness buff she says? Will health professionals advise her not to see me? Well the incident that trigered her dumping me was when she was making me breakfast a week before. She got mad when I said I wanted to drop down to 180lbs, she felt bad when I said that, she didn't feel like eating after that so I got pissed and left because I thought it was immature, we didn't talk for about a week so I called her and she said we had to talk, so I met her and she dumped me like I stated above. She says she will get help in these upcoming weeks and will write to me to let me know how it went, but would appreciate if I initiate the first call to contact her??? Why does she want me to contact her first? Please, please, please help me because I love her so much, she said these last weeks so many nice things to me like I love you I want you to be the father of my kids, how can she say these things when she pushes me away by saying things like you'll learn to let me go and find someone else, even when I reassure her that I also want to spend my life with her. Answers please.... I'm 25 and she's 23.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that your girlfriend told you she wanted to end the relationship, but I think she really does feel she has to conquer her eating disorder with professional help, and won't feel comfortable coming back to you, until she does. If she's struggled with her weight all her life, or for a long while, she most likely feels disappointed in herself and embarrassed that she doesn't have the stamina to stick with it and kick this eating disorder on her own. You, being a fitness buff, probably didn't help her feel confident enough to do this with you around.

I think the fact she asked you to call and asked you to remain in her life as a 'friend' is a good thing, because you know she still cares (as evidenced by what she's said to you and that she wants to remain in contact). As long as you still communicate, there's always hope you will get back together.

She's going through a really hard time, emotionally and physically and is not happy with herself, so she doesn't feel she can be happy with anyone else at this time. Give her all your love and support, and go along with what she wants, for the time being. Keep in touch, continue to tell her how much you love her, but don't push for getting back together until she feels ready. I think, if she didn't care for you, she would have ended the relationship completely, but she hasn't done that. Tell her you understand what she is undertaking is difficult and you will always be there for her.

It IS odd that she asked you to call first, but do it, after the few weeks she mentioned, when she's hopefully getting treatment. Eating disorders can be lifelong struggles, but once a person has the right tools to deal with the problem, it's that much easier. Your support will mean the world to her.

I wish you much good luck!

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Do you think it is better for me to wait that she writes to me or should I call her to find out if she went and if not should I pressure her in going if she wants to remain my friend or talk to her parents or something.... By the way I'm very aware of what attracts women like seduction and all these get back your ex tactics like no contact for month, female psychology, instill fear of loss by no contact, start dating to create jealousy etc. I really love her and I don't want to lose her, because I am aware that she as a problem but I don't want to come as needy and insecure and pushing her away (worst attraction killer), I still want to be that alpha male and attractive male to her eyes. So your best advice would be greatly appreciated....
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

I think you should give it a few weeks and see if she does write, and if you don't hear from her, you can write or call and say you wanted to know how she's doing and how things are going. No, I don't think you should pressure her into going; she needs to do this on her own.

Oh, I don't think she's doing this as a 'get back your ex' move or to make you feel you want her more or she's more desirable. You've told her and shown her how you feel about her, so if she's not being honest re: breaking up now because she wants to get help for her eating disorder, you need to re-think the kind of person she is, too.

I don't think you will appear as anyone BUT, the attractive male she knows. You won't come across as needy if you're honest with her and say the right things at the right times. For now, since she said she wants time apart, honor her request, but since she said you should call her, you can do that, but in a few weeks, if no timetable was set up with her. When she said 'call', she didn't say when, so it's a little confusing. If you can't wait 3 weeks, wait 2. See if she writes before then, and play it by ear.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Sorry, I must of misphrased my question. What I meant is when we got back together I was really on top of my game, I was demonstratting alot of attractive traits, confidence, secure. There was alot of sexual tension between us. In other words she really loved me. Well thats what she said, she even said to me I dont know what I would do if something happened to you. I really felt like I was in control of the relationship, we were really up to a new fresh start since the 1st breakup. Until the incident that happened which lead to are breakup again. What I wanted to know is should I act like I've moved on, like start dating other people, appear like I've moved on in order to create a fear of loss in her in order to recreate attraction in me. The reason for that is because when she called it off I cryed, acted needy, I told her that I realy wanted to spend my life with her, etc. I know for a fact that neediness is a total turnoff for women, but then again I know she as an ED problem. Well basically what I want to know is do you think she will ever want to be my girlfriend again, since that I've demonstrated these neediness traits the 2 times she's broken up with me? I want to be attractive to her again because I feel like I have lost my alpha male status. I fear that she might think that I'm not strong enough to cope with her problem and think that it might hurt me too much.
Thanks for the reply
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply and clarification.

I don't think that your reaction, when she broke it off with you both times, showed 'neediness'; I think it showed real emotion and sensitivity. Those are not turnoffs for women. If you feel she looks down upon men reacting in a 'real' and emotional way, you can try to be less emotional; however, think about why she's done this to you TWO times, and then think if you really want to leave yourself open to feeling that way, again. If you feel you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, that's admirable, and I think she knows you're strong enough to cope with her eating disorder.

I understand what you mean about feeling you might have lost your alpha male status in her eyes, but you don't know that for sure.

I think she will want to be your girlfriend again, if she feels as strongly about you, as you feel about her. It's possible that her eating disorder has taken a further emotional and psychological toll on her, than you're aware. Her decision-making skills are not the best, XXXXX XXXXX but if she decides she wants to be with you again, as your girlfriend, I don't think you should consider if she thinks you are strong enough, but if YOU feel you are strong enough. If the answer is 'yes', then I hope things work out for you, but if she's the one who has to make that decision, I can't predict what she will decide.

I think it would be healthy for you to go on with your life, and date others if that's what you feel you want and need. I don't feel if you move on, she will think it was in order to create a fear of loss in her, in order to recreate attraction in you, as you suspect. She may be using the eating disorder as an excuse to not be with you at this time, but remember, she's broken it off with you two times, now. How do you know if she takes you back, she won't do it again. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, but you need to think of yourself, also. 'Alpha males' can be hurt in break-ups, too, and she's hurt you more than once. What I can advise, is: consider all the facts, past and present, and see if you still feel you want her to take you back. If so, wait for her decision and see what she wants to do. If you want to move on with your life, not out of spite or in order to purposely hurt her, or increase your attraction to her, but to do what you want to do, do it. You can't control her decisions, but you can control your own.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18561
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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