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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20964
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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Married for nine years (second for both). Husband owned home

Resolved Question:

Married for nine years (second for both). Husband owned home before marriage. I pay all bills except mortage (including food and household items). Also contribute to house improvement projects. Asked husband to put name on deed of house. He refused. Told me I am paying living expenses. Tradational wife- full time job, cook, clean, laudry,etc.

I feel like a friend with benefits not a wife. Other issues in marriage but this is icing on cake.

Is my request a fair one? This is really making me question my realtionship.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
HelloCustomer and thanks for your question.

When you say you pay all bills except the mortgage, do you mean you contribute to the payments, and husband pays half, or do you pay 'total' bills for all household expenses, excluding mortgage?

Can you describe your relationship in a little more detail? You mentioned there were other issues in the marriage.

Does your husband ever contribute help to household chores, as you mentioned: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.? If not, have you asked him to help, in the past?

Thanks for all your additional detail, which will enable me to give you a more complete answer.

Cher
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

I pay all household ultities (gas, heat, water bill, phone, cable, etc). I buy grocies and prepare meals. My husband pays mortgage. However, I contribute to home renovations and repairs. My husband mainly take care of the yard and outside of home. I do the most of the cleaning in home-he washes and irons his own dress shirts, will vacuum and load dishwasher. I pay two life insurance policies for the both of us.

 

My main concern is if not legally I feel morally he should put my name on deed of home.

Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply with additional information.

I agree with you, that if you are 'equal partners' in life, and share expenses/household duties, your request to be put on the deed is a fair and reasonable one and should be honored; if he doesn't feel comfortable doing this, he should provide you with a better reason. There may be a legal reason he doesn't want to do this, and perhaps after his first divorce he lost his home or was afraid he would lose it, if this is not the same house you're living in, now.

I understand you feeling hurt at his denial of your request, and feeling like this is not a marriage, but 'friends with benefits', but it would be a good idea to pursue this conversation with him and ask for a logical reason why he will not agree to this. Tell him his words were hurtful to you when he denied your request, and you feel it's the 'right' thing to do, morally. Be honest and tell him that you feel this is taking a toll on your relationship and ask him to explain to you why he feels his decision is fair. Maybe there are some factors of which you are not aware.

I hope things work out well for you.

Cher
Customer: replied 7 years ago.

I have broach this subject several times I only gotten vague answers. I am sure his is afraid of losing his home. However, I have my own fears which seem to be of little regard to him.

 

I beleive my husband lives by a "double standard" which is unacceptable to me.

 

Would this issue qualify legally for a separation in New York State? Am I unreasonable to take this issue to this level ( terminating the marriage).

 

Thank you for your response.

 

 

Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply and your patience; I was not online when you responded.

I couldn't advise you re: the legal aspect of this situation, because I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think not agreeing to put you on the deed would be legal grounds for a separation. If you decide to terminate the marriage due to this issue and others you mentioned, if you feel you will be happier out of this relationship, that is a decision you'll need to make, and your next step would be to consult a lawyer licensed in NY to provide you important details on how to proceed.

I hope everything works out well for you.

Cher
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