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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I am married to my husband for 2 yrs and 3 months we have been

Customer Question

I am married to my husband for 2 yrs and 3 months we have been together for 3 years. He was married before and have 2 kids from that marriage.I was not the cause of the divorse.The kids stay with us, a girl 14 and a boy 11.Their mother had another child in December 2007 - and decided she doesn't want them anymore - or can't take care of them - they were literally dumped on our doorstep.

Before that happened we saw them 2 weeks out of a month and still had time to nurture our new relationship.Ever since they have been with us, 2 years now we have never been alone - and i hear from my husband that is why I have my b-day so we can spend the day together the other 344 days I have to sit with them in my face all the time.

They have no respect for me,even I give them everything I possibly can, love, a home everything. I have become very anti them as they love to hurt me.

I am 28 my husband is 43 I am young.I pay all the bills.I feel like leaving although I love him to bits.What can I do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Knowledge is power; and when you know something is causing a problem, you have a much better chance of learning to deal with it in such a way that it doesn't cause problems. You both need to agree on a unified way of raising the children. Even though you are not the cause of their parents breakup they see you as the reason they will not get back together. You must make your husband see that he has to tell his children that no matter how hard they try their parents will not get back together. Not allowing this to happen create double messages which are very damaging to a relationship. The children must learn to accept differences. Things are not going to be like they were before you came along. There will be changes that will need to be made. The children will need to understand and accept those changes in order for the family to become one unit working together but your husband will play a HUGE part in creating that united front.

 

Disrespect will tear down any attempt to unify a family than any other problem that may arise. There needs to be consequences for acts of misbehavior and disrespect. It is imperative that discipline be followed through with each incident. Reward for good behavior is equally important when upholding the ground rules, there MUST be a set of ground rules to follow. The children need to know just where the limits are and be held to them. By setting a clear set of ground rules a united front will be established. Children are resilient they think with patience and work they can get their parents back together even if both have moved on, that is where your husband has to step in and explain to them that he and the mother will never get back together. He also has to make their mother accountable for her action and make her be a mother, make them go to her house overnight or for a weekend so that you can have alone time together or send them to their grandparents for the weekend or overnight, if you have alone time this can make your bond much stronger and make you better able to be a united front because the children want to see you at odds and as long as they see that their plan is working the harder it will be for you.

 

What you have to do is tell your husband where you are at and that you are at your breaking point and ready to leave. Communication is very important and it's important for you to be completely honest with your feelings instead of going with the flow like you have been. Love conquers all so if the children see that no matter how much they try to distance your relationship and it makes it even stronger eventually they will give up the fight and respect that you love their father instead of only seeing their selfish reasons then the family will become a united front.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The mother hasn't contacted us in 2 years. We don't know what happened to her. The Grandparents are 1000km from where we stay.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It's still imperative that your husband take an active rule in them respecting your marriage and the rules of the house if there isn't any rules then there has to be rules set and also I would suggest counseling for the children because it doesn't sound like it's you but more their mother and since their mother is no where around they picked the next best thing (you) since you are the only mother figure they have now. The fact that their mother deserted them has made them angry and frustrated. No matter what you do to make them happy they aren't because they feel that their mother does not love them. With a little love and patience they will see that you are with them and not against them but again your husband will play a big role in that transition, also if you have friends that you trust to watch them overnight or for a weekend it's very important for you to have alone time. Your husband is feeling sorry for the children because their mother didn't want them and this could be making him be a little lenient on them and that does nothing but create a monster. They think because their mother left them that you will feel sorry for them and give them what they want and it shouldn't be that way, they should only get things when they behave earned them and respect the rules of the household. The counseling is very important for them to adjust to the fact that they have an absent parent and the fact that they may feel unwanted and no matter how much love and affection you show them they still have that one person that didn't want them.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I asked my husband this morning - told him that we need alone time. He agreed but is not willing to do anything in the regard, I must organise everything.

 

I desperately need alone time with him - at least once a month. But where does his kids go - I am sorry but it feels like they have been dumped on me and I must just accept my faith.

 

When do you know its time to leave?

I know when I leave I can't turn around - how do I tell my husband that I am going to leave if things doesn't change - in a nice way?

 

He asked me last night that I mustn't leave him if I don't fall pregant and I told him we need alone time, I feel neglected and he didn't talk to me again.

 

How do I tell him in a nice way that if he doesn't nurture our relationship that I will leave - as I am not happy with how things are at home and the kids contantely in my face.

 

I am starting to resent them and that is not a good thing, but I can't help it - I can't help feeling that if they were not dumped on us that our lifes would have been so great together - they are the cause of all our fights and all our problems.

 

They love it when we fight.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If you want your marriage to work then you are just going to have to be blunt about where you are at in the marriage if things don't change you have to tell him that you are going to leave and never look back if you do it in a nice way then he will not take you seriously and he is not taking it seriously now. He thinks that your just throwing idol threats so that he will react and show you that he cares. You're right the children were kind of dumped on you since the mother has not been involved in her children's lives since giving the children to your husband. You will have to have your words match your actions, if things do not change you will have to decide if you truly want to leave or if you want to try and work things out but it can't be one sided your husband has to want to work on the marriage and make sure that you get that alone time. There has to be friends that you can leave the children with even for one night a week or friends that the children have that can offer to have a sleepover one weekend.

 

It's VERY crucial to saving your marriage to find some alone time, do they have sleepover camps in your area? Can you send them on weekend retreats with a church or organization that will allow you to give the children something fun to do and at the same time give you alone time. If the children love it when you fight then you have to stop doing it in front of them wait for them to go to bed or when they are outside playing to calmly discuss the situation if they see you fighting they are winning the battle. What they need to do is see a united front so that they will know that their making you argue is not working and that you stay united even if you don't feel united. If they know that their antics are getting to you then they are going to do it more and more, you cannot let it show that it bothers you and even if it eats you up how they play you and you husband against each other.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

The girl told me the other day that when her mom and dad got divorced she was the one that kept him together and cared for him (utter nonsense) when I met him they were dirty and just not looked after at all! She hates me being the women of the house, she wants to be the women of the house. She loves lying on the bed ontop of my husband and taking up all his time, she talks to him like he is her playmate and I took her on about it - I told her he is her father and she needs to speak with respect.

 

They told me once that I must just know I will never be a mommy and its their daddy's house - even the bond the registered 50% in my name and I pay all the running costs and the bond.

 

They never clean up after themselves and I always have to tell them to do it - the days of asking is long gone.

 

We in South Africa, we don't belong to a church and no-one wants to look after them - they are unruely and just plain naughty and ugly.

 

I never fight with their dad infront of them ... its days like today when we don't really talk - and she will push herself onto him, go to work with him and just be all over him all the time.

 

I once heard her say it will be better if its just them again.

 

They don't like me and they call me names behind my back ... even I give them everything, but you know you can't keep on being nice if that is the reaction you get from them.

 

I don't like them anymore and I don't like seeing them ... they make me feel sick to my stomache ... its a huge problem for me and my husband.

 

He always takes their side ... they steal from me they call me names and nothing happens to them - he has never punished them, cause they come out of a broken home and its so difficult for them - my dad also came out of a broken home and he was not like that.

 

I know my hubby loves me ... but his kids are a problem to me ... I don't like being like this - its not my makeup to be so resentful and hateful (if there is a word like that) - it feels like they have reuined the perfect marriage / relationship.

 

I am 28, he is 43 and they are 14 & 11

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

If they do not like you and yet you still do everything for them then stop doing it, they will realize how good they had it if you no long do for them and also I don't know South African law nor am I a legal expert but here in America 14 is a legal age to leave them alone have the 14 year old babysit while you and the husband have a night out show them that no matter what you will have that alone time with your husband. Hire a Nanny for them that would be the perfect solution to your problem by hiring a part time nanny they will have supervision and you will have your alone time. Take away the money you spend on them if they do not respect you and spend it on a Nanny to watch them when you need that alone time maybe hire them for two to three days a week and some weekends. It will be so worth it and worth the money. Show them that they will not ruin your marriage and if you have to have little contact as possible with them, also tell your husband that his daughter should in no way shape or form be in your private quarters (your bedroom) and that it's intrusive and that your bedroom should be your domain. It may also be important for you to think about some family counseling for everyone and make that your last resort before leaving, the children also need individual counseling also because of what their mother did to them. Long term counseling for them is crucial because the counselor can make them see that you are not the enemy and that you are here to make their life more complete they have many many emotional scars and problems that neither you nor your husband can correct now, they need professional help.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

The bedroom thing - we have talked about it so many times ... they also knock and "can i come in" - i never answer them ... he ALWAYS invites them in ... even when we intimite ... then he'll say wait ... ok ... now come in ... so special.

 

I don't talk to them often anymore and I don't buy things for them anymore or get her hair done - if you can't respect me then sorry for you.

 

We have tried councelling ... he stoped it and said she doesn't know him and it will not help him at all, this is 10 months ago.

 

Now, I am not sad ... I don't feel like going home or spending time with all of them.

 

I will not make him chose ever, they mean everything to him - maybe once I am gone he will realise what he had.

 

I just need to gather the guts to tell him I want out - not because i have met someone else or that I don't love him but because of his kids.

 

I have decided that tomorrow I am going to get my hair done ... and going to get myself a new outfit, he can spend the day with them or drive them around - is it OK if I take time out and do things on my own tomorrow ? To clear my head and decide what to do?

 

I also need to go get legal advice regarding the house etc.

 

I don't want to leave him, but I don't see our marriage work if they stay with us.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Of course it's fine and may even be best to do more things for yourself especially if you are thinking about leaving this will clear your head and make it easier for you to think about a game plan if you do decide to leave and think about looking for an apartment or house and let your husband know what you are doing so that he knows that you are serious about being on your way out and if he does nothing then you will have your answer as to what you need to do it may take you leaving for him to realize how serious the situation is or was and then he may try harder to get you back including putting his foot down with the children and the way they treat you. Also we have legal experts that can help you with your situation about the house if you would like I could transfer you to one of our legal experts? Let me know what you want to do and also if you thought that my answers have been helpful please click the green accept button so I can get credit for my many answers.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Can you believe it he just sms'd me ... he arranged for his kids to go sleep over at a friends place tomorrow. I have made my plans for my hair. Must I cancel my plans and be with him OR still go do my hair and meet him afterwards?
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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