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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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I stopped speaking to my mother nine months ago because she

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I stopped speaking to my mother nine months ago because she was paranoid that my psychologist was against her. This is not true. But my mother only believes what she makes up in her head. And after seven years of hearing this, I got tired. Recenlty in a public place with other siblings and family present she came up to me for a hug and said, "Don't you love me anymore." I replied, "Of course," but in my head I was thinking of her manipulation, control and tantrums over the years. My mother became upset, overemotional and overdramatic when she learned we arrived with my niece, whom she disowned many years ago and had my brothers screaming at my niece over feeling ignored by me. If that makes any sense! My mother and I had words and she insinuated that my daughter should love her because my mother supported us for three years while my husband and I were down on our luck. Later she called my husband and son, who were not there or involved. My son is no longer speaking to me.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

Customer

 

-How long has you and your mothers relationship been strained?

 

-How long has your mother showed this type of behavior?

 

-Why is your son no longer speaking to you, what happened?

 

-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

The relationship with my mother has been on and off since childhood. I am the only child of both of my parents. My mother has four sons from a previous marriage and my father has a boy and a girl from a previous common law marriage. My mother has displayed this type of behavior for as long as I can remember, but I was always on her good side and tried hard to stay there despite my feelings to the contrary. When I was a teenager and when I lived at home with my son, she was very domineering and verbally abusive. When I became pregnant with my son she would tell people that she would have to raise my son because I wouldn't be able to handle it. I raised my son myself until his father and I married when he was one and a half years old. My mother made a big deal out of the fact that I wanted to wear white at my wedding in 1991, so I wore green to make her happy. I suppose that is irrelevant. My son is 19 and in college 150 miles away and I have never involved him in my family squabbles. He has no idea how my mother truly is. He stopped speaking to me because my mother called him crying and overemotional and told her side of the story and my son told his father he did not want to take sides but my mother is always buying him groceries and he didn't want to go against her and he told my husband we all needed to grow up. He told my daughter who tried to explain what happened that we needed to stop being bitches; all based on what my mother told him.

For most of my childhood into adulthood the things my mother used to say most often were, "If it weren't for you, (meaning me) I would have just ended it." "If it weren't for you I would have left your father years ago." My mother more than once used her gun as a threat to go out into the woods or sitting at the table when my brothers got into trouble and she "pretended" she was going to use it to kill herself and always got more attention for it. I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but one of us siblings or family members are always on the outs with my mother and therefore, the other siblings on my mother's side are against that person as well. Currently, it is my niece and more recently me who is in trouble with the family. My niece is in trouble because my brother moved away from a bad relationship several years ago to get married to a nice woman. At that time someone called his work claiming to be my niece and apparently asked all sorts of questions. I believe that person was my brother's ex. However, my mother has it in her head and won't let go of the fact that it must have been my niece and how dare she, etc. She confronted my niece who became upset at being accused of such a thing and called her parents...my brother and sister-in-law. My mother was mad because my niece called her own parents about the matter and still to this day is convinced that it was my niece that called my brother's work even though my brother's ex has a history of irrational, alcoholic behavior. So, she stopped speaking to my niece and told everyone in the family about the incident repeatedly including me. Currently my niece and I feel that we are the only sane people in the family and that is not saying much.

However, my son is supposed to come for a visit tomorrow when my husband's parents arrive, whom my mother also hates, and my son told his father that if there is any talk of family or my niece then he is leaving. I feel trapped in my own home, unable to speak the truth and unable to save my family from my mother's path of destruction.

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It seems like your mother knows what buttons to push within the family to make them believe her or take her side and it's taken it's toll on you and the family unit. It's not going to change anytime soon because she has gotten away with it for so long. It will only become more and more difficult to be around her and allow her to behave that way and it will pull the family further apart. I think your mother's helping your son is for a reason so that she has him on her side and she is buying his love and respect and that will only last so long. Your son has to see for himself how your mother is and one day she will slip up and show him her true colors because all he has seen is this giving person that has been good to him and he doesn't see the woman you grew up knowing. It's important for you to know and truly belief that you are the best mother for your child, no matter what other people tell you. Your mother is very fond of putting you down, and telling you (or hinting to you through her actions) that you are not capable for the job (of a mother), in one way or another, but, do not doubt yourself. Your mother seems to like making you feel like you are nothing and having people believe that you are the bad guy.

 

Realize that each of you have different personalities and are different. She may want you to be the daughter that she wanted and not your own individual person, you feel smothered by her and the fact that she has so much control. You may have to set up a private meeting with your mother and communicate honestly with her (but not so honestly that you degrade her), it might also be a good idea to vent your feelings to a counselor or even possibly go to counseling with your mother to mend this relationship. The relationship is salvageable but you both have to want to make things better. That way you have a better chance of remaining in control of your emotions rather than throwing mean words at her. A counselor can be a neutral mediator and could possibly help to make your mother see what she is doing. Although your mother should have gotten help when you were a child especially if she felt the need to traumatize you with a gun and threats to harm herself is classic sign of mental disorder.

 

It's important for you to make your son's visit as drama free as possible just grin and bare it until he leave because if he sees there is still drama that will make him more angry and he could possibly turn on you and you don't want that. After he leaves I would plan a meeting with your mother and tell her how you feel about the situation she puts you in on a constant basis, it's time to clear the air from years of verbal and mental abuse from her and if you are going to be able to forgive and forget then you have to put all of your feelings out there, also suggest that you both go to some types of counseling if things do not get resolved during that meeting.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I no longer want to be a part of my mother's life nor have her in mine. I feel "done." I want to move on without her, but keep my current family intact, meaning my son, my daughter and my husband. I will happily go to counseling and have done so for the past seven years for severe depression, anxiety and OCD ever since we moved here near my mother from the city. My mother has told me more times than not that she is a strong person and does not need counseling or medications, but that some people, meaning me the weak one, do need to take their medications. I was able to stop taking Xanax after seven years when I stopped speaking to my mother and have not had to see my psychologist in many months since not speaking to her. I know she would never agree to counseling because she is never wrong and she most definitely would not take medications, though I believe they might help her. So, I feel the only way to go is to sever the ties altogether. But I worry how long it might take before my mother messes up with my son and we finally have him back in our lives? Honestly, I'm worried she'll die before he sees her for who she really is. Sorry, I am just so angry. I would suggest my son, daughter and husband go to counseling with me, but I know that will not please any of them and they would not agree to it.

It is impossible to tell my mother how I feel because she will turn it around and call all of my brother's and my son again and it will only make things worse. What makes a mother this way?

Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I understand you not wanting your mother in your life but it's important for you to tell her everything she put you through both in childhood and as an adult, this way you can break the ties knowing that she now knows how you feel about the way you were treated and what has bought you to this point. Either your mother was raised the same way or some who was an authority didn't show her the love and attention she craved to grow up to show her children love and affection. Often times it's a learned behavior, it could be that she wasn't the only child and because of that she didn't get the attention she wanted and there for had to do things (drastic things) to get that attention and she just got used to behaving that way but that is not your problem and you did not make her this way and didn't deserve to be treated the way you were. In order to truly move on from this I would sit down and write her a handwriting letter and tell her everything she has done to you from infancy on and then make a copy of it so that if she tries to lie and tell your son one thing you will have proof of what you said in the letter even though you should not have to prove yourself to your child and you feel they should automatically be on your side it might take you actually showing him proof of what you mother was like, if she replies to the letter in any way whether it be through writing you back or calling make sure you will have proof if you need to show it. Most mothers are loving and supportive of their child but you mother failed miserably at that honor and now she is trying to make up for it through your son. I would ask your counselor if writing your mother a letter is a good idea and make the letter as long as you need it to be to get everything off of your chest.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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