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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18511
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My girlfriend was insecure when I met another attractive girl

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My girlfriend was insecure when I met another attractive girl who had a lot in common with her, physically, ethnically, and with common interests as well. My intention was to introduce them to be friends. However my girlfriend was immediately insecure and thought that I was being flirtatious and showing her that I could talk with other beautiful girls. She asked me if I found this girl attractive and I answered that I knew of her to be, and it would be silly to say otherwise because so many guys sought her attention. Although I feel as if I had no realistic intention of trying to get with this girl, I had to reassure my girlfriend that she was the only one for me and that I only want them to be friends because I thought of her to be a good person who also shared a lot in common with my girlfriend.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi, and thanks for your question.

Are you saying that you found the other attractive girl to have a lot in common with your present girlfriend, physically, ethnically and with common interests, or are you saying YOU had these things in common with the other attractive girl?

Did telling your girlfriend this, get you in trouble with her? Is she angry with you?

What question can I help you with?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
MY GIRLFRIEND had all these things in common with the other girl. It's actually scary how much they share in common. Same age, birthday is XXXXX 2 days apart. Both half Puerto Rican with mothers who had them at the age of 15. I could make a list of at least 50 things they have in common in the short amount of time I've known this girl. They already have Best Friends Forever bracelets and little txt language that they share.

Yes, my girlfriend was very upset. She accused me of wanting to date this girl. I denied finding her sexually attractive but later when we talked about this whole masturbation to other ppl thing, she couldn't help but ask if I ever thought of this girl. I had to answer her honestly and I said yes. She stormed out on me. She had been cheated on before with a guy who got with her best friend. Now this girl that I introduced her to has become her best friend very quickly and so thus she feels similar betrayal.

I'd like to know from your opinion as a woman: If a man in a committed relationship masturbates thinking of other women, random or those who he sees frequently, IS IT CHEATING?

I understand why my girlfriend is deeply hurt. I can see how it would fuel many feelings of insecurity and having been cheated on. At the same time I think it's natural for a guy to do this, even if he feels deeply in love.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks very much for your detailed explanation.

I don't blame you for telling your girlfriend about these amazing similarities between her and this other attractive girl you met. I also don't blame her for becoming upset/insecure, when you told her you found this girl as attractive as she is. The way you seemed to put it, she could have taken it as a compliment, but she chose to see it as a cause for worry re: your fidelity.

In my opinion as a woman, I would be as upset as your girlfriend if I was told my boyfriend thought of another woman while masturbating. This is because she's someone you both know and hang out with. Now, it would be different, for example, if you 'fantasized' about a beautiful celebrity while pleasuring yourself; that is not 'real', and no relationship will ever develop from that. THIS girl IS real and you see her all the time; if she is now your girlfriend's best friend, unfortunately, you said the wrong thing, in answer to that question. You can't take it back, but you can make it better. Honesty is great and a big part of a committed relationship, but sometimes it's better to tell a little white lie, than to hurt someone's feelings, as in a case like this.

Don't speak of this girl anymore to your girlfriend, don't tell her how beautiful she is, but they look so much alike, etc., in fact, don't bring her up unless your girlfriend starts the conversation, and even then, don't say much.

Especially because she's been cheated on before, she's super-vulnerable to that particular type of betrayal, as you mentioned. Apologize profusely to her, tell her she has nothing to be jealous of; you love her deeply and there is no other woman in the world for you. Try to make her think that because they resemble each other so much, when you said you thought of the other girl, you were, in essence thinking of HER and you ONLY think of her when you're not together and you masturbate. If she ever pushes you to tell who you think of again, name a celebrity or say, 'I only think of you, sweetheart'.

You'll have to do some major apologizing and send some flowers, a romantic card, and/or bring her chocolates, or anything that's her favorite. It might take some time, but I think she'll forgive you.

The best friendship between her and this other girl may work out well for you or may be a problem for you, especially since you admitted to this 'fantasy' with her.

I don't truly believe what you did is 'cheating'. Cheating is a physical act; this one was in your mind, nonetheless, your girlfriend had a right to be upset.

I hope you're able to rectify this and win her back.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I tried to tell her it was only in my mind, but she made the physical hand gesture for masturbation and showed me how it was an action.

Knowing her, she'll see right through me if I try to apologize profusely and give her presents.
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, and thanks for your reply.

If you feel you'll seem more 'guilty' or make it worse by apologizing profusely and giving her gifts, let's forget that idea. I still think sending a romantic card (a real card, not an E-card) is a good idea. Something with a sentiment like 'you're the only one for me', or a beautiful card, blank inside, with only a handwritten, from the heart, note from you.

Well, there's no denying that masturbation is a physical act, but what's going on in your mind at the time, is in your mind; you didn't commit a physical act of infidelity. That's what you need to make her understand. I do not think there is any equality between the two acts--of physical cheating/infidelity and fantasizing or thinking of another woman while masturbating.

Let's try another approach: tell her when she asked you this question, you only wanted to be honest with her because honesty is the cornerstone of your relationship and you would never lie to her. You didn't realize how your answer would affect her or hurt her and that certainly wasn't your intention. It's over and done with, and ask her to think about all the wonderful times you've had together, how deeply you love her and how meaningless this whole thing is, in the grand scheme of your relationship. You both have so much going for you and your love for each other, and haven't you proven, throughout the whole time you've been together, that she is the only one for you and how she knows you would never be unfaithful to her?

She may put you 'on probation' for a while, but slowly you will get back to where you were, if your relationship is strong enough to endure this 'bump'.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18511
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you Cher!
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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