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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19829
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I have been a relationship with a man for 4 years. He wasgoing

Customer Question

I have been a relationship with a man for 4 years. He wasgoing through a divorceand his soon to be ex wife accused him of having anaffairwith his financial lady. He toldme then that he had deep emotional feelingsfor and could tell his deepest feelings. I accepted it as long as they kept it professional. She lives 1700 mi away. a couplemonths ago Imet her and she tells me that she really does love him. I got upset because I had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I told him what she said and he asked what I wanted him to do about. I said let me call her. recently they had a discussion and he tells hisfeeling havnot changed but that I am a good person and don't like to hurt feelings, but he can't express feelings he don't have. He tells me he loves me enjoys my company, and likes doing things with me. Holds me at nite and says he likes being close to me and show affection during the day. My friends say they can tell he cares about me. she says she is happily married and loves her hus
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 6 years ago.
Hi Lydia, and thanks for your question.

Are you with this man, currently, and still in a loving relationship? It was a little confusing the way you related the circumstances. Is he having an affair with the financial lady, or is he being true to you? If he wants to stay with you and be with you exclusively, you need to be sure you can trust him. I'm assuming his divorce is now final, but if it isn't, be careful. If the other lady says she is happily married and loves her husband, that's good news for you, but if you want to continue this relationship, you need to make sure what he tells you is true, he does care about you and that he will stay with you. I don't quite understand why he said he can't express feelings he doesn't have. Is he trying to tell you that he likes being with you, but he has feelings for the other financial lady, also? If so, you need to discuss this with him and see clearly where he intends to take this relationship with you. You don't want to be hurt by him, but if you love him and want to be with him, you need to decide what will make YOU most happy.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I don't know why he says he can't express feelings he doesn't have when he does show them to me, but I am wondering if they are real or is he a very good faker. I don't think or believe he is in a physical affair. He told me once she is a fantasy,it would not be possible for them to be together, because she is happily married, has kids and financially it wouldn't work and because of her age. I do know when they talk he gets all excited and nervous, and when they met there is a very open display of affection hugs, kisses and I love you and both are in tears. He has expressed feelings to her that he loves her but he also has told me that he loves me. That is why I am confussed. Yes the divorce is over. I trust him but yet am very careful.
I tried to talk about her but thinks I am jealous No I am Not I just want an answer of whom he really wants. There is no way she will live here in MT she even said she could never live his life style. This man is 76 years old. I am thinking very seriously of moving on. He has been very good to me as far as my cancer surgery and taking me to the Dr. appt.
Expert:  Cher replied 6 years ago.
Hi again, Lydia, and thanks for your reply.

I'm glad to hear that he has been good to you re: taking you to doctor's appointments and being supportive after your cancer surgery, however, I agree with you that I think it's time to move on, because you do not have his entire heart. If he has such deep emotions for this married woman who he can never be with, it's really not fair to you.

Instead of trying to talk to HER, continue to talk to HIM and tell him honestly, that if he loves her and he loves you, but he can physically be with you and not with her, you don't like the feeling of being 'second best'. If you want to do this, tell him that he would need to cut off all contact with her, if he wants to remain in a relationship with you, because you can't 'compete' with her. No one can predict or direct the emotions of another person, but if this woman is younger than him, happily married, has kids, etc., and is not planning on leaving her husband/family for him, even though they are 'in love', she is a 'fantasy' for him; he will never be with her, but if he remains in love with her, something is wrong with this picture. He can't be in love with a 'fantasy' he can never have, and also be in love with you, because you're 'there'.

I do think you're getting the 'short end of the stick' as they say, with this relationship, and if you are seriously considering moving on, I think that's a very intelligent idea. You should be with someone who cares for you and can give of himself to you, completely, not 'sharing' his emotions with you AND another woman who is unattainable.

Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19829
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I have another question. How can someone be in a relationship and be physically active and say they can't express any feelings they don't have? I am very confused by this.
Lydia This one is for Cher.
Expert:  Cher replied 6 years ago.
Hi again, Lydia, and thanks very much for requesting me. I just logged in and saw your question waiting.

What you ask, IS confusing and a mystery, because this is not how relationships are supposed to work. A person really can't be in a relationship physically (I assume you mean be 'with' the person and be sexually active?), yet say they can't express any feelings they don't have.

A successful relationship is a combination of both physical and emotional love. The person wants to be with you, enjoys your company, has the desire to tell you how they feel and wants to be close with you physically, as well. If this man can be physically active with you, yet, not express his emotions to you, and/or tells you he can't express feelings that don't exist, for you, the relationship is 'incomplete'; something is missing, and you are missing out on his 'full' devotion and love.

If his heart and mind are with another (the other lady you mentioned), he cannot give of himself fully, to you, and that's not fair to you. You deserve to be with a man who WILL give of himself completely, and tell you 'you are the one', and there's no one else that he thinks about or wants to be with.

If this man has a 'fantasy' about this other woman that he knows he can't have, you have to question carefully whether you should still be with him.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you I did question him on how someone can be physically active and not have any feelings. I said for me that is not possible. I asked is that love or just a physical release for the other person.
He told me once that when he was a child that because of his mother he shut down inside his emotions, so when he got married she was nice but couldn't feel any emotions and had more than one marriage. Finally the last one he gave all of his emotions to her and was really hurt when she wanted a divorce. Now his emotions are shut down again. I believe?? but he has the fantasy about this other women anyway I believe it is a fantasy. He can feel something but can't share it with someone that is real. I am still seriously thinking of moving on.
I hate to because I went through a rotten divorce and don't want another failure. Hope all of this makes somesort of sense. I do agree with you however.
Expert:  Cher replied 6 years ago.
Hi again, Lydia.

From the new information you've related, re: his difficulty in dealing with his emotions from childhood, and his previous relationships/marriages, he does sound afraid to let all his emotions out, even though he is involved in a physical relationship with you. However, you still need to carefully consider that he does think of this other woman, says he loves her, knows he can never have her, but continues to have a fantasy that perhaps one day they *will* be together, under whatever circumstances.

The main point is that you don't 'fully' have his attention or his heart. He *says* he loves you, you have a good time together, he shows you kindness, physical love, and you enjoy each other's company, but at the same time, he's 'longing' to be with another woman. He has to be made to understand what an insult that is to you and your relationship with him.

You mentioned thinking that you're ready to move on, and I would agree with you on that, but you also need to consider your present situation and not make a hasty decision which would end up making problems for you in the longrun. If you feel you need to be with him, if he helps financially, etc., and you would have a hard time on your own, I'm not suggesting you leave so quickly. However, if you are able to be independent without him, and have no problems or worries, you'll have to decide what would make you happiest. You deserve to be with someone who will love ONLY you, and not fantasize about a woman he can't have, and hold back on emotions. Physical love is very nice, but it's very important that the proper emotions accompany it.

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am still working and can support myself I am very independent.
I am going to have a talk with him hopefully this weekend. He has alot on his plate right now. His oldest daughter is having surgery on Tue a double masectomy, another daughter has cancer and is not doing well that wrote him off. In april I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and a single masectomy but am doing great back towork full time.
I live in his house but still maintain my own as my daughter lives there and pays rent. I pay all my expense's which is the way I want it. I won't ask for help has does give me some money from time to time or buys me something.

I really don't have to be there. I doubt that he and this other women will ever be together she just became senior vice presendent of a financial company there is no way she will move here and he could never fit in her world.
Expert:  Cher replied 6 years ago.
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