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Cher , Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20766
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I am the 60-year old woman who had a nine-year relationship

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I am the 60-year old woman who had a nine-year relationship end - he move out and in with a woman he just met. She is very controlling, she checks his cell phone and watches his every move when she is home. He is very unhappy there but feels that he can't move because he's changed so many things - license, mail, disability check, etc. He says he wishes that she wasn't around so much. We talk either on the phone or thru email everyday. He says he "misses me terribly". He says that he will love me as his best friend until the day he dies and will always be in contact. He sent me a friendship "ecard" and she found out and was angry and told him "no more". He sends me roses in his emails to help make up for the ones he never gave me when we were together. I am being guarded and am confused. Don't know how to answer him when he asks how I am doing. I still love him very much but am afraid to tell him as that will drive him away. What's going on? Help! Cher helped me last time.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hi again, Kathy.

Well, it sounds like this woman has completely taken over his life, and that's scary! How does she monitor his email, cell phone, etc.? Can't he password XXXXX his personal accounts?

I agree that you shouldn't tell him you still love him very much, if you feel it will drive him away; however, let your guard down a little and let him know subtly, that you miss him too, and you're sad that he's so unhappy. Ask what you can do to make his life happier/easier.

He's feeling guilty for not treating you the way you deserved to be treated, when you were together; however, why is he powerless against this other woman? Does she possess super powers? No! Why does he stay and allow her to run his life? Why doesn't he tell her to back off and let him live his own life? He's living there, but he is [partially?] paying his own way, with his disability check. Not wanting to move because he's recently changed his license, etc., is an excuse. He probably feels it will be a hassle and he's not yet ready to do it. While it IS a pain to change everything to another new address, if he's unhappy, he should want to get out from under her control.

If you feel his emails and phone calls are most likely not 'private', when you send them, is there another name you could write to him under and/or can he create another email account that only you know the name for? I'd recommend this, to keep her out of his private matters. Also, tell him to password XXXXX his email account and computer. Tell him this on the phone, not in an email, and figure out 'secret names' for each other, to use for new email addresses, etc. Gmail, Yahoo, and AOL all offer free accounts.

Continue to 'be there' for him, commiserate with him on his unhappiness living there, and see how things go.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
I am so glad you were able to answer me on this because you know the history. I ran out of space yesterday to write this but I believe she has control because she has money (not sure how it was acquired). She rents a cottage in a resort area in this state every year. She has top of the line everything in her home. She likes nice things. She believes that he can be bought for a price and I am just an annoyance who is in the way right now. That is why he says she is not jealous. She is to me a snob. He likes to spend money too but now that he has someone who has the money, I feel like eventually he will give in to whatever she wants because that's what is important. I couldn't afford to do these things for him and my income is considered considered below average. It makes me sad to think that he will do this but maybe he would rather be miserable and living well than be happy and just getting by. Thanks for your feedback.
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hi again, Kathy, and you're most welcome; thanks for your reply. In the future, you can just type 'For Cher' to start your question, and I will be the one to answer it, as soon as I'm online.

I was not online when you responded, and I attempted to log back on, to no internet connection, so thanks for your patience, too.

I think your 'theory' may be correct, re: him staying because she is better off, financially, than you, but if he would sacrifice his personal happiness for monetary 'things', it's a shame he won't be happy. It's amazing what a 'draw' money can be, isn't it? It sounds like she's his 'sugarmama', and he must have lost some respect for himself for staying.

It's one thing for him to choose to stay there because things are 'easier', financially for him, but just because she's supporting him, it doesn't give her the right to direct every facet of his life, AND she's invading his privacy.

I realize this is a very frustrating situation for you, but I think as long as you maintain contact with him, for the time being, this will help you feel both feel happier. However, it would be a good thing for you, if you were to not cut yourself off from any opportunities to meet new people, and start dating again. You worked very hard (and STILL are working hard) to support both yourself and him, over all those years, and you deserve happiness.

Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20766
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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