How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Cher Your Own Question

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18310
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Cher is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am the 60-year old woman who had a nine-year relationship

Resolved Question:

I am the 60-year old woman who had a nine-year relationship end - he move out and in with a woman he just met. She is very controlling, she checks his cell phone and watches his every move when she is home. He is very unhappy there but feels that he can't move because he's changed so many things - license, mail, disability check, etc. He says he wishes that she wasn't around so much. We talk either on the phone or thru email everyday. He says he "misses me terribly". He says that he will love me as his best friend until the day he dies and will always be in contact. He sent me a friendship "ecard" and she found out and was angry and told him "no more". He sends me roses in his emails to help make up for the ones he never gave me when we were together. I am being guarded and am confused. Don't know how to answer him when he asks how I am doing. I still love him very much but am afraid to tell him as that will drive him away. What's going on? Help! Cher helped me last time.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 4 years ago.
Hi again, Kathy.

Well, it sounds like this woman has completely taken over his life, and that's scary! How does she monitor his email, cell phone, etc.? Can't he password XXXXX his personal accounts?

I agree that you shouldn't tell him you still love him very much, if you feel it will drive him away; however, let your guard down a little and let him know subtly, that you miss him too, and you're sad that he's so unhappy. Ask what you can do to make his life happier/easier.

He's feeling guilty for not treating you the way you deserved to be treated, when you were together; however, why is he powerless against this other woman? Does she possess super powers? No! Why does he stay and allow her to run his life? Why doesn't he tell her to back off and let him live his own life? He's living there, but he is [partially?] paying his own way, with his disability check. Not wanting to move because he's recently changed his license, etc., is an excuse. He probably feels it will be a hassle and he's not yet ready to do it. While it IS a pain to change everything to another new address, if he's unhappy, he should want to get out from under her control.

If you feel his emails and phone calls are most likely not 'private', when you send them, is there another name you could write to him under and/or can he create another email account that only you know the name for? I'd recommend this, to keep her out of his private matters. Also, tell him to password XXXXX his email account and computer. Tell him this on the phone, not in an email, and figure out 'secret names' for each other, to use for new email addresses, etc. Gmail, Yahoo, and AOL all offer free accounts.

Continue to 'be there' for him, commiserate with him on his unhappiness living there, and see how things go.

Cher
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I am so glad you were able to answer me on this because you know the history. I ran out of space yesterday to write this but I believe she has control because she has money (not sure how it was acquired). She rents a cottage in a resort area in this state every year. She has top of the line everything in her home. She likes nice things. She believes that he can be bought for a price and I am just an annoyance who is in the way right now. That is why he says she is not jealous. She is to me a snob. He likes to spend money too but now that he has someone who has the money, I feel like eventually he will give in to whatever she wants because that's what is important. I couldn't afford to do these things for him and my income is considered considered below average. It makes me sad to think that he will do this but maybe he would rather be miserable and living well than be happy and just getting by. Thanks for your feedback.
Expert:  Cher replied 4 years ago.
Hi again, Kathy, and you're most welcome; thanks for your reply. In the future, you can just type 'For Cher' to start your question, and I will be the one to answer it, as soon as I'm online.

I was not online when you responded, and I attempted to log back on, to no internet connection, so thanks for your patience, too.

I think your 'theory' may be correct, re: him staying because she is better off, financially, than you, but if he would sacrifice his personal happiness for monetary 'things', it's a shame he won't be happy. It's amazing what a 'draw' money can be, isn't it? It sounds like she's his 'sugarmama', and he must have lost some respect for himself for staying.

It's one thing for him to choose to stay there because things are 'easier', financially for him, but just because she's supporting him, it doesn't give her the right to direct every facet of his life, AND she's invading his privacy.

I realize this is a very frustrating situation for you, but I think as long as you maintain contact with him, for the time being, this will help you feel both feel happier. However, it would be a good thing for you, if you were to not cut yourself off from any opportunities to meet new people, and start dating again. You worked very hard (and STILL are working hard) to support both yourself and him, over all those years, and you deserve happiness.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18310
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency