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KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Relationship expert for almost three years with
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Im just started a relationship and find that I second guess

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I'm just started a relationship and find that I second guess everything he says. I jump to conclusions very easily and I can tell it's wearing him down. I really like this person and he keeps telling me that I need to only react to what I know for sure and not based only on feelings. How can I change my way of thinking and let go of the past?

Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


It seems that from past relationship and how you were treated and things that have happened to cause your break ups, that's why when you decide to be in a serious relationship, it can bring out some of your insecurities, even if you consider yourself a confident and self assured person. Sometimes, to be in a healthy relationship, we have to let go of the past and be all-out to the other person. Insecurities are not healthy and it can bring doom to a relationship, and it develops due to past mistakes, fear of losing your loved one and personal issues you failed to address within you from something that may have happened in your childhood. You two are together because you love each other and you want to be together, forget the past and appreciate what you have right now. Your boyfriend is with you because of who you are, you are an amazing person and you are worth loving. Save yourself the stress of being too paranoid and just embrace the present. Delving too much on the past will definitely affect your future, build up the confidence in yourself and your relationship.


Too many relationships are ruined because of insecurities and not enough trust, you shouldn't allow your insecurities ruin your life and your relationship this is something you are going to have to work on and be determined to change. When a person is too insecure and doesn't allow their mate freedom and trust, that's when the relationship takes a hard hit and, starts to head downhill. The most innocent people are constantly being accused of doing things they're not doing because, the partner is so insecure. Then they get so fed up because they are already being accused of doing it so they figure "Why not" and go out and do it anyways since they are already being accused of it. You may need to talk to a counselor to find out where this insecurity is stemming from and what you can do to overcome it. This may be the only way to get over this unless you are able to make a conscious choice to change.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

Kimberly Ann,


Thanks for the response. This relationship is VERY new and he's been up front with me in telling me that we are not exclusive at this point and it probably IS too soon for exclusivity. But I can't help but wonder if he's seeing other people and that's why drives my mind crazy with assumptions! He has told me more than once that I need to base things on the facts and not the "gut feelings" from past men I've dated. I've dated a lot of men who lie lie lie, and usually were caught. I used to go to a therapist a few years ago who told me that I have abandonment fears due to my father running out on me and my mom when I was 7.

Like I said before, I really like this feelings for him have totally blindsided me because he's not the typical guy I usually go for. But he is very communicative, but part of me still "wonders"....what he's doing when he's not with me! It's very frustrating!




Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


In part he is right you should only base your doubts on fact but he isn't giving you much to go on because he doesn't want an exclusive relationship with you and the fact that you have no guarantees is what is making you doubt the relationship and whether or not he is seeing other people. Your counselor is right and it may be beneficial to you to start going to a counselor again. If you do not trust him then the relationship will not work out. This is your make or break time to show him that you will be a good mate but if he sees someone that is insecure and not trusting then he may shy away from getting into a serious relationship with you because he doesn't want someone that is going to question his every move and make assumptions about his whereabouts and what he goes when he isn't with them.


One choice you have is to follow him when he isn't with you but that isn't healthy and if he finds out that will definitely be an end to your relationship so I suggest that you trust him until you get concrete proof that he cannot be trusted just ask yourself how would you feel if someone doubted you or mistrusted you and you did nothing to warrant that behavior, it feels like no matter what you do they will always question you and doubt what you say. A person that is trying to hide something from you will not communicate to you the way he has, they will usually shut down and not communicate at all. You are afraid that he is going to leave you and then you will feel the same way you did not having your father in your life. Try not to make him pay for your fathers indiscretions and mistakes, that isn't fair to him give him and your relationship a fighting chance.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.

So do you think I should back off a little bit and let him come to me? I guess if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be spending any time with me and would break things off. It seems lately, I'VE been the one to initiate seeing each other....and it's probably because of my insecurities and trying to consume his time with me and only me. Part of me thinks I should back off and give him some space......what are your thoughts?




Expert:  KimberlyF replied 7 years ago.


That could be another reason you are so insecure because you are feeling like he doesn't make much of an effort to show you that he cares about you and even wants you in his life and the fact that you have to initiate contact or time together isn't making you feel like someone else is occupying his time. What you have to do is communicate that with him and then back off and tell him that you will wait for him to make an effort and if he doesn't then you will have your answer and it may be time find closure within the relationship and find someone that will appreciate and want you in their life. Tell him that you are going to give him some time to decide what it is that he wants and if he doesn't contact you then you will know that he isn't interested in you.

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