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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18884
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I am a 60-year old female who has just ended a nine-year relation

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I am a 60-year old female who has just ended a nine-year relationship. He is a Vietnam vet with PTSD, Bipolar, depression and a insulin-dependent diabetic. I nursed him back to health after many surgeries. He has been unemployed for a number of years. I was the only family he had. I worked two jobs to support the home. He receives a small disability check from the Veterans Administration. I never asked him for money because he had so little. I gave him my old car when I bought my new one. He was and still is a nice guy who has a lot of emotional as well as physical issues. He went to online dating and moved in with a woman he physically met the same day. He is finding that she is controlling and constantly checks on him, including his cell phone. She is asking him to pay his way and has strict rules. For whatever reason, I am emotionally attached to him and still care deeply for him. What is wrong with me?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello, Kathy.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Nine years is a long time to be involved with someone, and because you were so close with him, being his only 'family', still feeling emotionally attached to him and caring deeply for him, is normal, considering that you now miss him not being with you and not being part of your life.

I'm wondering why your relationship ended. I'm assuming he was very grateful to you for taking care of him all these years, and pretty much supporting him, so were you already broken up when he went to an online dating site and met this woman, then moved in with her? I would think he'd want to stay with you, if things were going well, and I'm sure he felt emotionally attached to you and cared deeply for you, as well.

After living with him over a long period of time, you know how he could change his mind quickly, due to his existing medical/emotional conditions, so perhaps he made a quick/bad decision in moving in with this woman. If you still have contact with him, ask him if he's truly happy living with her rules and restrictions, and if you want him back, put the idea out there and see how he reacts.

It's quite difficult to understand why he would go from a nurturing relationship like the two of you had, to a woman who sounds like a drill sergeant. Maybe he 'likes' the strictness and 'orders' this woman gives. It's difficult to gauge why he would stay with her, but you have nothing to lose if you tell him you miss him and want to know if he's truly happy.

I hope things work out in a positive way for you.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I am gone a lot with my two jobs - that was a big issue. I tend to get overtired so he wasn't happy that I wasn't "chatty" when I got home. He complained about my daughter-in-law who is a very difficult person (we saw them maybe 4 times a year) and who would sometimes try to pick a fight with him. He was upset because I wouldn't come to his defense. He says things aren't going to change if he came back and he would rather stick it out there. He says he loves me "as a friend but is not in love with me". I am not even sure I understand that. He says that I am depressed and should have been on medication a long time ago - the list goes on. We are still in touch somewhat but there are restrictions which I do understand.

 

 

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Kathy, and thanks for your reply. I wasn't online when you responded.

You sound like a 'giver' and you had certainly enriched his life and helped him so much, during all the years you were together; you were gone a lot with your two jobs and were exhausted when you came home, so of course you weren't 'chatty' when you got home, but you were working two jobs to support both of you! The fights with your daughter in law are sort of 'moot' points, because you saw her so few times during the year, and he may be using that as an excuse.

It might be a good idea for you to keep in touch with him on the level you have maintained now, and try to move on with your life. There should be NO restrictions on even a 'friendship' (in addition to a 'relationship'), so if he has put restrictions upon that, which you don't understand the meaning of or purpose of, it might be better for you to slowly move in a different direction with your life, and allow him to stay in the situation he's currently in, if he says he prefers it. Honestly, I don't think it will last, and be prepared for him to ask to come back to you; I'm not saying you should hold out 'false' hope for this to happen, just be prepared for the eventuality.

If you feel he might be right and you have some depression (you've gone through a lot with him, over the 9 years you were together), there's nothing wrong with speaking to a doctor and deciding if you need to be on medication or not, but that is completely your choice.

It's difficult to let go, after being together and being 'invested' in a relationship for such a long time, and after everything he had been through, and how much help you had given him; however, the action he has taken now, in living with this other woman, is really insulting to you and it would be less hurtful for you if you gradually lessened your contact with him, and concentrated on moving on.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18884
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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