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Ask Cher Your Own Question

Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 20863
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I am in a long distance relationship right now, I am taking

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I am in a long distance relationship right now, I am taking my MBA in the United States, and my girlfriend is taking her MBA in Singapore, I know we love each other and we are serious about each other. However I think the distance is putting a strain in the relationship. There were many guys tried to hit on my girlfriend, particularly one guy. I know she was honest about it and she told me everything about it. But I felt that even though she didn't respond positively to the guy, but she led him on to continue hitting on her. We argued about it, and I asked her to tell the guy to stop. She lied to me about it, and she told that she had asked the guy to stop while she actually didn't and I found out about it. We argued and almost broke up. She finally told the guy to stop talking to her while I was there, and the problem is solved. But now I feel insecure, and we still have about 9 more months of long distance, We really want this to work out, and I don't want to feel insecure, pls help.
Hello, and thanks for asking your question on Just Answer.

May I ask your ages?

How long have you been seeing your girlfriend?

How long have you been apart, so far?

When were you in Singapore (or when did you last see your girlfriend), as you say she finally told the guy to stop talking to her while you were there? Did you visit her there?

How and where did you meet each other?

Have you discussed marriage in your future?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
Hi Cher,

thank you very much for your wilingness to help me.

I am 26 years old, and my girlfriend is going to be 25 years old in August. We met from a mutual friend, I knew her for about 6 months before we became an item. we have been together for about 9 months now. We were together for the first 2 months, and have been apart for 7 months. I am currently in Indonesia for summer break as we both are from Indonesia. I told her that I am planning to work in Singapore after I graduate, and that was the reason she decided to take an MBA in Singapore too so that she can work in Singapore, and be together. Lately we've casually discussed about marriage, general plans for the future, but nothing specific yet. I went to Singapore for 4 days last week, and that was the time when she told the other guy to stop talking to her. I am going to Singapore again tomorrow for another 4 days with some friends, and one of them is our mutual friend who introduced us. I will be back in United States next week.

Asians usually get married around our age, and her parents are kind of pressuring her to quickly get married. I told her that we are not ready for that and she agrees, however I don't mind committing myself in the relationship with marriage in mind for the future as long as I have the guarantee that she is as committed to the relationship as I am.

I just feel that the rest of the long distance relationship is going to be the hardest point of our relationship for now, We still have another 9 months or so of long distance relationship. I don't want to feel insecure yet at the same time I don't want to feel betrayed too. We talked at lenght after she told the guy to stop talking to her, and she reassured me if she was serious, and she was sorry that she hurt me, and promised not to do that again, she would put a stop instantly as soon as a guy tries hitting on her. I want to trust her, but this insecurity is still lingering from time to time.
Another thing is that she told me the reason she lied was that because I kept pressuring her to tell the guy to stop, while she wanted to do it at her own pace. She is not an assertive person, and she usually hopes that by not responding positively guys would get tired and stop, that was her point of view. But I told her that even if she doesn't respond positively, as long as she doesn't respond negatively, guys would continue doing it with the hope that he could melt her heart at some point.

Once again, Thank you very much for your help, I really appreciate it.

Hello again, Kevin, and you're most welcome.

Thank you for your reply with additional and helpful information to aid me in understanding your situation a little better.

I understand how you would feel insecure, having your girlfriend so far away (when you're in the U.S) and knowing that she is not assertive, doesn't like to hurt feelings, and feels that by simply not responding positively to the advances of another guy, he will think she is not interested. I agree with you completely, that a 'non-positive response' on her part, is not the same as a negative response, or telling the guy to back off, because she's currently involved in a relationship. However, you need to cut her a little slack, too, and allow her to interact in a friendly manner with her fellow students, as long as she and they both know, that there is nothing romantic involved, just classmates/just friends.

Perhaps it would be nice to present her with a gift of a 'pre-engagement' ring or 'promise' ring, and when she wears that, she'll feel more 'secure' and have no trouble telling others proudly, that she's in a serious relationship with you. If you're not sure if you will be asking her to marry you, of course, don't feel pushed into giving her this ring; it's just an idea, which may help your situation and make you feel more secure with her so far away, if you do think you will be proposing to her, soon, or when your respective MBA's are obtained.

Even though the distance is difficult, you're both very wise to finish your education before getting married, if this is your ultimate intention.

Long distance relationships always present specific obstacles, and trust in any successful relationship is key, but it is sorely tested when you're far apart. If you trust her completely, and she trusts you, to be faithful to each other, you should not worry about anything. Encourage her to be more assertive, and let any guy who shows more than a 'friendly' interest in her know, that she is 'involved' with another man and in a secure relationship, and that circumstance will not be changing.

You're fortunate that she was honest with you and told you about this guy talking to her. That should make you more sure of her feelings for you, and her fidelity. When you go to visit her, 'practice' (make it a game) her being more assertive and not letting her give any guy the impression that she's 'available' for dating. You be the guy that's hitting on her, and have her practice some polite but firm phrases which she can use to let him know she's not interested because she's currently 'taken' and in a relationship. Something like: 'you flatter me, but I'm involved with someone.' 'Thanks for saying those nice things, but I'm not available.' You get the idea.

Try to make the most of your visit, and I do wish you both much good luck in the future. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

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