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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18709
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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I hate my husband and dont respect him. He is a negative

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I hate my husband and don't respect him. He is a negative model for our kids, he's not wise, not reliable, liar, insults the kids, lazy, never learn from his numerous mistakes, not trustworthy, doesn't take responsibility for his own actions and blames others for all his misfortune, he's a coward and is afraid of doing anything even if it is a low risk, let alone high risks, that's why he's stagnant on all levels. We barely communicate because he never listens and I consider him stupid. Any discussion ends up in a fight and he doesn't take anything in life seriously, he's more of an air head. He's never on time and never keeps his word .. never.
I do disgust him a lot and wondering if divorce is the solution bearing in mind that if I got a divorce, he'll not pay his children dues, he did it before in a previous marriage and can do it again. I'm living in one of the Middle Eastern countries that have different laws in this regards.
Can you give me advice on how to handle this man?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  20+ years as a Therapist replied 5 years ago.

Hi,

 

Thanks for using JustAnswer.

 

As you're experiencing - without respect, there is no relationship. So if you can support youself and your childeren - I would suggest leaving, and doing so because it sounds like you'd be happie without him in your life.

 

But, if you decide to stay - start living your own life... cut him out, stop expecting anything from him - you say he's never on time - don't ask him to do anything - do it on your own - that way, he can't disappoint you by being late.

 

If he's not wise - don't ask for his opinion on anything

If he's not reliable - don't rely on him for anything - become self-sufficient

If he's a liar - don't give him the chance to lie to you

If he insults the kids - don't let them be around who would do do

If he's lazy - get busy and be gone a lot


And so on.... cut him out of your life - son't have any expectations - that way - he can't disppoint you.

 

Nancy

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello,Customer and thanks for your question.

I'm so sorry to hear that you find yourself in this difficult situation.

You deserve to be happy and if being married to this man is making you and your children miserable, it would be better for you all, to not live with him. If you feel you could handle the finances without him, knowing that he will not pay child support if you were to divorce, you will be happier living apart from him. If you feel he is contributing nothing to the marriage, to your happiness, nor to your children, you would all be at an advantage not having him be a part of your lives.

I know that in Middle Eastern countries men are typically regarded better than women, for the most part, so the only thing that might stand in your way is the law of the region where you live. If you were to be ostracized by becoming a divorced woman and/or have to endure any problems from the government or religious leaders, then you could reconsider that decision. If the man only causes you emotional frustration and pain in the marriage, it's like you're living on your own and raising your children by yourself, in any case. Try not to engage him in conversation if he is stupid and selfish, and do all you can, to be the best mother to your children, and be a positive role model. It's a shame that they have to witness their father acting in this manner, but he is certainly not a good role model to the children, especially if you have any sons, who would usually desire to emulate their father and be like him. Distancing yourself and the children from your husband will make your life better and allow the children to discover how lacking their father is, as a person, plus keep you all away from his negativity.

Because your husband already has a past history of being married, divorced and not paying child support, this only reinforces the kind of lazy, selfish person he is. You and your children deserve better, and your happiness is most important.

Check into what would be involved in filing for divorce, by speaking to a local divorce attorney, and ask all your questions regarding finances, child payments, etc., if there is any way possible to get him to pay this. There may be some loophole that can be found, to make him pay to support his children, if you do divorce him.

If you feel he has always been like this, and there is no chance he will ever make an attempt to change his ways, you would be better off taking steps to leave him, and having this weight removed from around your neck, so you're finally free to live your life happily, without him bringing you down.

It's a very sad and frustrating situation, but only you can make the best choice for you and your children.

Please let me know your thoughts and if you would like to discuss this further.

I wish you much good luck!

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18709
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you very much for your prompt and useful replies. I read all you wrote thoroughly and for the time being I'm convinced to stay in the marriage and try your suggestion of ignoring his existence and living my life with my 2 daughters (5 & 8 years) with some distance. But remember, I still have to inform him if I'm traveling, or being late at work and so on, and sometimes he gives himself the authority to agree and reject. Also I can't make a barrier between him and the girls, they surely will communicate with him and immitate his bad behaviour. I feel it is very difficult to avoid someone living with me in the same house and is around most of the time. I'm convinced with your idea of avoiding him and being more self sufficient, specially that I'm nearly doing everything on my own now for me and the kids, but can you give me practical examples of how to completely avoid him? Also I feel so frustrated that this person is not contributing to this marriage in any positive way and all the responsibiliteis are on my shoulders, even if I got the divorce, I'll get even much more responsibilitis specially financial though that kids aren't mine alone, and he can easily look for a 3rd wife and get new kids, and forget about mine, as he did before, and then I'll be the only loser which makes me feel bitter. Also I feel jealous when I see my friends happily married with cooperative and understanding men with whom they communicate, share, enjoy and trust, while I have to continue living this tough life. Also, if I got a divorce, it's not likely to meet another man and have a love story like we see in the movies. I'm 39 years old and not so sociable, plus it's not realistic to meet someone who's willing to love and care for me and my kids from another man. So I feel so depressed that I have to continue the rest of my life this tough and dry way? Any suggestions to make me feel better about my life? thank you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you very much for your prompt and useful replies. I read all you wrote thoroughly and for the time being I'm convinced to stay in the marriage and try your suggestion of ignoring his existence and living my life with my 2 daughters (5 & 8 years) with some distance. But remember, I still have to inform him if I'm traveling, or being late at work and so on, and sometimes he gives himself the authority to agree and reject. Also I can't make a barrier between him and the girls, they surely will communicate with him and immitate his bad behaviour. I feel it is very difficult to avoid someone living with me in the same house and is around most of the time. I'm convinced with your idea of avoiding him and being more self sufficient, specially that I'm nearly doing everything on my own now for me and the kids, but can you give me practical examples of how to completely avoid him? Also I feel so frustrated that this person is not contributing to this marriage in any positive way and all the responsibiliteis are on my shoulders, even if I got the divorce, I'll get even much more responsibilitis specially financial though that kids aren't mine alone, and he can easily look for a 3rd wife and get new kids, and forget about mine, as he did before, and then I'll be the only loser which makes me feel bitter. Also I feel jealous when I see my friends happily married with cooperative and understanding men with whom they communicate, share, enjoy and trust, while I have to continue living this tough life. Also, if I got a divorce, it's not likely to meet another man and have a love story like we see in the movies. I'm 39 years old and not so sociable, plus it's not realistic to meet someone who's willing to love and care for me and my kids from another man. So I feel so depressed that I have to continue the rest of my life this tough and dry way? Any suggestions to make me feel better about my life? thank you

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello again, and you're most welcome. Thanks for your reply.

It will be difficult, as you imagine, continuing to live in the same house but distance yourself from him, so all you can do is go about your business of your daily routine, caring for the girls, working, taking care of the house and pretend you're a single parent who has no husband. If you're living under the same roof, it would be impossible to completely avoid him, but try to ignore his presence as much as possible. Think of him as a 'boarder' living there, who you really have nothing to do with; you each have your separate lives, and your most important job is to make your life and your children's lives as least stressful as possible.

I was going to suggest, that if you got a divorce, you are still reasonably young and you could meet another man who was the complete opposite of this one, who would admire you and compliment you and appreciate you for who you are and what you do. I understand that some men don't want to take on a new 'family', complete with young children, but, also, many do.

I'm sorry you feel so envious of your friends who have good marriages, but that's human nature. You see in them, that which you don't have and probably never had, with this man. But, I prefer to be optimistic, and feel that it's possible for you to start a new life with a new man who would have all the characteristics your husband does not.

To feel better about your life, imagine he is not in it; you are on your own with the girls, you will do fun activities, and just ignore his presence. Imagine that some day it IS possible for you to meet someone else, who will make your life much happier. I'm certainly not advising you to break your vows, but if you start noticing men you come in contact with every day, and you start talking, being a little flirtatious, maybe you'll 'click' with someone, start confiding your concerns for yourself and your daughters, etc., and you might find a good man who says he'd like to 'take you away from all this'. If he knows about your children and likes children, perhaps he'd like a 'ready made' family. Try to picture yourself down the road with a man that will make you happy and if you search, you may find him.

There's no denying you're in a tough spot, but I think you're an intelligent and strong woman, and you can get through it as long as you have to, for the sake of your daughters, and until you meet someone who will be good to you. It's so unfair that he's allowed to have children, leave one wife, have more children, and so on, and take no financial responsibility for any of them.

If you go to your personal physician, you might discuss your feelings of depression, and perhaps an appropriate medication will be prescribed, that will help you feel more hopeful and tolerate your current situation, more easily, for the present time. Also, try to get together with family and friends, more, have social outings with the girls and keep yourself busy with activities you enjoy, when you're not working. Do you have any kind of women's clubs where you could go for support from women who have possibly gone through a similar experience? Having a 'support' group is always helpful, and helps to make you feel less alone.

Because of our time difference, I must log off now, but if you want to discuss this further, I will reply when I sign back on, tomorrow. Otherwise, if you found my information helpful, it would be appreciated if you would click 'accept' at this time. It won't limit our communication, I will still be here for you to help you through this.

Cher

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