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Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 21167
Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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my husband ended a 1yr affair 8mos ago. i just found out

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my husband ended a 1yr affair 8mos ago.   i just found out by seeing e-mails between the (done back during the affair) that he felt he really loved her and wanted a divorce. he has ended the affair 8mos ago we have donesome counceling. i keep finding areas where he has lied to me about things that happened during the affair. Ex he first told me he never lved her....he even called by the pet name he has for me. our counceler staqted my husband has narrsitstic tendances. how can i trust and rebuild a future with him if he keeps things about the affair hidden??? this has happened 3 times in the past 8mos of us working on saving our marrage. it takes me back to ground zero. can i ever trust him. the e-mails he sends me sounds like the ones he sent makes me sick. i dont even want him to e-mail me any more. i feel i am up ground. i know i should let the past die....but how do you say...all is ok....i was cast aside like used trash...that he now wants to recycle. i love him but i wound if i am in love with him any more. he is 41yrsold me 42yrs the other women 44yrs and a CFO of a very large company. we have been married going on 23yrs with 3 children in college. our middel child (son) was injured with tramatic brain injure during his last year of high school. my husband would not except this nor be a part of it.   our son is during better now back in school. but also now smoking pot. he was very gifted prior to his injury (coming back slowly) if not for our sons state i fear i would walk out on my marrage. please help give me a reason to fight.
Submitted: 7 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult situation.

If your husband has been unfaithful to you and continues to lie about the situation, plus counseling has not seemed to improve things, and he was diagnosed as having narcissistic tendencies, he needs to continue to see a counselor in order to help him work on this problem.

I understand that you love him but are sickened at the thought he has cheated on you and lied to you, but your son's injury and current problems should not be the thread that holds your marriage together, if you cannot forgive him this affair.

Why do you feel you need to stay in an unhappy marriage because of your son's state? If your worry is financial, your husband should have to contribute to your son's expenses and you can also ask for alimony, but you would be advised about these matters by an attorney. It would be a good idea, if you do not want to remain in your marriage under the current circumstances, to get advice from a divorce attorney, to have an idea of how things will be for you if you leave your husband.

Truthfully, I don't see a reason to fight to remain in this marriage if you husband cheated on you, lies about it constantly, your children are grown and you are unhappy. If you choose to remain in the marriage, I don't see anything very much different happening, than what has already happened. I don't mean to be pessimistic about the situation, but you have to decide why it's necessary to fight to stay in the marriage and how it will benefit YOU. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound like you're very happy right now. You are frustrated and feel betrayed by his affair, and he has done nothing to try to make you feel otherwise. He also would not/will not accept your son's traumatic brain injury, which I understand is difficult to accept, but thank God he's doing better, and he needs support from BOTH his parents. It's selfish of his father to not give him this support and also selfish to put all of the dealings with this, on you. A marriage is a partnership 'for better or for worse', and he shouldn't have 'abandoned' you and his son, after the injury--that's basically what he did.

Only you can make the decision if you want to walk out of this marriage, or stay and have things continue as they are.

I wish you much good luck.

Customer: replied 7 years ago.
counseling has improve things, he says he is very sorry and a fool for having the affair. the affair is over. But like i said lies about what he told me originally about the affair have surfaced. he having narrcassistic tendencies make me wounder what is going on in his head.....why must i have to drag the truth out of him??? our Christan councler told him "to be able to save your marrage and more on you need to be 100% tranparent and truthful" does the include telling me she was with him on bus. trips i was suppost to be on but he told me i couldnt go........he says he lied about the truth so i wouldnt be hurt......and leave prior to working on our marrige
Customer: replied 7 years ago.
about 5mos ago i made my husband read up on TBI (our sons injury) 2yrs later from him being injured my husband says he is now on board to help our son
Expert:  Cher replied 7 years ago.
Hello again, and thanks for your reply.

I completely agree with you, that you shouldn't have to drag the truth out of him. If he admitted to the affair, said it's over, apologized for hurting you, and seems to want to save the marriage, he needs to be truthful about EVERYTHING, and little details shouldn't keep surfacing, about the affair.

Your counselor is absolutely right, that he needs to be 100% truthful and 'transparent', meaning to bare his soul, and tell you everything at once. If he doesn't do this, it sounds like he still has something to hide, and it will be very difficult to trust him or believe anything he says, in the future.

While I can understand him saying he didn't want you to know everything, thinking you would walk out on him without giving him a chance, he's been given a chance and still doesn't seem to be 'getting it all out', so tell him unless he does this, all at once, like ripping off a band-aid, you don't see how you can trust him enough to continue to be married to him. This might encourage him to tell you everything and explain his actions.

I just read your last reply, after writing the above answer. I'm very glad to hear your husband has said he is now on board to help your son; that's a very big change and accomplishment! Good for YOU! Continue to involve him and encourage him to help your son; this may be a turning point, if he means what he says.

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