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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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I have been married for 13 years. I am thinking of separation,

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I have been married for 13 years. I am thinking of separation, but I do not know if the reasons are strong enough. My husband is not outwardly mean, but his complacency has caused harm to our marriage. For example, he forgets events that are important to me even though I provide reminders or violates an agreement we have about money. I call it self-sabotage. Afterwards, when he knows I am upset, he says he is sorry and doesn't know why he does it and promises to be better. I call this self-sabotage. I think he believes he doesn't deserve to be happy and does things to make sure it comes true. He is very self-absorbed, self-centered. He does not express his feelings until we are at the brink of divorce. Only then does he seem to realize he needs to work on himself and promises to change, but the pattern repeats. He is a good person and truly loves me, but I have lost all respect for him. He lacks the self-confidence I need in a partner. I realize he is depressed, but I am exhausted
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

There is not always a concrete reason to get divorced, it depends on the person and how much they are willing to take. With that being said, your marriage could be saved the reasons you gave me aren't a major reason to get divorced with marriage counseling and work it can be saved but are you will to try and save your marriage? It's not easy to find someone that loves you and is a good person. Self confidence and being self absorbed does not mean he cannot change if someone other than yourself can show him that he is harming the marriage and it's headed for a divorce if he does not change and this time make a valid effort to change through actions and not words. He thinks if he says he will change that will suffice you and more or less stop you from complaining but it makes things worse to the point that you are no longer willing to try and be patient and wait for him to change and that is understandable. What I suggest is for you to make counseling your last resort try marriage counseling the counselor can help him to see what he is doing to make the marriage stressful and pushing you to your point.

 

The counselor can give him little steps to take to show you that he cares about important things in your life and doesn't always think about myself. It's going to take baby steps but you both have to be willing to give it some time before making a major decision like divorce. I understand you are frustrated and fed up because you have given him so many chances but to tell you the truth there are some men that just aren't good with remembering important things in life and always need to be reminded about them even to the point that they have to reminded them that very same day of the event or special occasion but your husband can change all of that with some outside help someone that can be neutral and is on the outside looking in. If you do decide on the counseling don't just give it a week it will take some time so I would give it months and then judge if there is a change in his behavior and if there is give it more time. If you cannot stand to live there with him then consider a trial separation but still do the marriage counseling together.

KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 750
Experience: Relationship expert for almost three years with JustAnswer.com
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