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KimberlyF
KimberlyF, Longtime Relationship Expert
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My husband of 30 years and bread winner thinks I only use him

Customer Question

My husband of 30 years and bread winner thinks I only use him for his money, he does not like giving me money and when he does he always thinks I owe him sex
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.

HiCustomer Thank you for asking your question on JustAnswer. By the way, it would help us to know:

 

-How long has it been this way?

 

-Do you give in to him and give him sex when he thinks you are obligated?


-Could you explain your situation a little more?

Thank you again for trusting us with your problem. Please reply as soon as possible so that we can finish answering your question.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
It been this way for about 10-12 years, he has his own business and it finally is doing very well. He has 2 corvettes, 2 snowmobiles, a truck and old remoded car and a huge trailer and a boat (which I love boating) so that's not a problem. I work but do not make very much money and have credit card debt so most of my money is going toward that.
I was responsible for our 3 children's and daycare was not an option.
I do give in to the sex but it's mostly out of desperation to have spending money for my hair, gas, travel and clothes, this could be fun sometimes but he does it for most all money he gives to me. I have told him to stop wrapping that money thing into our sex life as I want us to have sex to gratfy each other and express love, then I would not get any money or very little. He recently paid off my car (was like pulling teeth) and then he thought he was owed a sex act and one I did not want to do and he became so upset and demandied his money back and said he would never do it again (help pay). It's a real mess and I admit I add to it. I should just leave him as he is so disrespectful. He gives and then regrets. He always feels taken advantage of.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

Since you are married you shouldn't have to feel obligated to give to receive and that is what your husband is doing. He makes you regret having to ask for money that you are entitled to anyway. I think you both need marriage counseling to help you to better communicate to each other how the other is feeling and what you want and need from the marriage because it's obvious that he doesn't respect your feelings or you as his better half. A counselor may be able to show your husband that the way he is treating you is not a normal behavior of a husband who is supposed to love and respect his wife. The only thing is getting him to go to a counselor usually men that are successful don't really believe in things like counseling and admitting they have a problem but if he isn't willing to correct what is wrong within the marriage then your marriage may not last another year. You may have to give him an ultimatum about going or you have to think about how much you are willing to take before you cannot take anymore.

 

Although you think that sometimes giving him intimacy for money may seem fun there are times where he doesn't make it fun and it seems more like a chore than anything else. When you give in to him your are telling him it's okay to treat me like this and I will do whatever it takes to get money. You would be better off if you just divorced him and took a certain amount of money and lived your life the way you wanted to but if you want to save your marriage it's going to take some extensive counseling to work this out and it's also going to take time and patience on both sides. He is actually demeaning you and make you lower than him and you should be his equal. I would suggest honestly sitting down with him and talking to him about your feelings and the way he makes you feel and if he isn't willing to even consider counseling or trying to work on treating you better then it's time for you to think about walking away.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yeah I honestly believe that. We have so much that is worth saving. We fight all the time and he always calls me defensive (I am defending my whole self). We have been to consoling and he does not inform them correctly so they do not know what to do for us and then he hates to pay for it to.
I honestly am so upset and all my family see's it and thinks he is not fair to me.
He is a workaholic. He buys porn, lies to me about the silliest things, is very sarcastic, he drives the car where I feel scared at times. He tells me that if I were to be in another relationship, the man would expect sex in exchange for money too. We have 3 daughters and he is very vocal about what women are good for (sex) cooking, cleaning, I think he is disrespectful of women in general. He makes a lot of money and he still always wants me to go make more so he does not have to give me much. He tells me other women would be in line to take my place because I got it made. I do not think I have a relationship with a partner but rather a dictator, I have read a lot about verbal abuse (author XXXXX XXXXX) and he fits every classic sign they describe. It is so sad as I do love this man. He was not like this when we first started dating and when I first married him, I think that is the person I still love and he is not that person anymore. The business world and earning better money along with other men that are not such good influences have shaped him into a uptight control freak when it comes to relationships and women.
He does not have much to say good about anyone (hyper-critical).
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

I think that he really needs individual counseling to find out where this stems from this may be the only thing that can save you marriage or make it more tolerable. He seems to have no respect for women and their duties as a wife, mother and also working. His lack of respect for you and women in general is going to start affecting your daughters and their self worth if he says women are no good long enough your daughter may start to believe it. This is not healthy for the household for him to belittle women in front of your daughter is also a form of verbal abuse and verbal intimidation. If your husband does not correct this now his daughter may grow to dislike him and his actions. As a family unit it should be united and it isn't because he isn't seeing that his ways are not the way a husband should act towards a wife and a father should act toward his daughters.

 

As long as you allow him to act this way he will think it's okay for him to do so and it's not, what you have to do is decide if the marriage is worth saving and what you need to do to save it. Identifying the problem is only half the battle. Most marriage counselors will tell you, marriages do not really fall to pieces just because of a little trivia thing such as money. There could be deeper problems stemming from childhood and possibly how his father ultimately treated his mother or he saw some other important figure in his life disrespect and treat women as objects and not equals, he has forgotten the reasons why your marriage was established in the first place. You both need to take concrete actions which will tell the other partner that you really want to maintain your marriage and work through the issues in the marriage. Do not be limited by small talk and promises, actions speak louder than words and show exactly what you mean by your words.

 

One major problem is that you are not truly listening to each other, you might or might not want to hear a word that comes out of his mouth, but if you're serious about repairing your marriage it is the only way. Clearly something was wrong during the marriage and it's important for you to find out what that is. Explain to him how you feel without wavering! You must tell him the pain that his actions are causing. You have to make sure that he fully understands the turmoil and devastation that he is causing for not just you but your children also. It's not going to happen over night, but if you want your marriage to continue, then you are going to have to forgive your husband and have patience that this is not going to correct itself overnight and move on together. It's also important for the two of you to spend more time together ALONE. You have to reconnect and find the things that made the two of you fall in love before.

 

It doesn't seem like just the money issues that are destroying your family but it's a huge part of it. Money has always been a serious issue in marriage and is often listed as the number one cause of divorce. It could be in part because of the volatile economic times causing him to act in destructive ways that aren't typical of them, he is avoiding what the truth of the situation could be because in part he doesn't want to lose his fortune and possibly he has seen others lose their fortune and not know where their next meal is coming from, this reaction is completely the normal nowadays people are afraid to go from living comfortably to not having a living at all. However, it's important to stress to you that especially in volatile times, you need a loving marriage as a buffer from these tough times more than ever before. Allowing your marriage to be damaged will only make things worse. If you want to find a way to keep issues and secrets stemming from money from negatively affecting and destroying your marriage then you have to working together as a united front.

 

Although it may not feel like it right now, this money situation can and likely will work itself out with honest, open communication and through supporting one another. You need to address any dishonesty and secrets about money now so that the healing of your marriage can begin. You both need to allow money issues to bring you closer together in your marriage rather than tearing you apart. In any crises situation that occurs in a marriage, one of two things will typically happen. The spouses will either huddle together, commit to being a team or they will allow it to destroy the marriage causing distrust, distance and negative feelings. Many people allow this process to just happen rather than making a conscious choice to work together and figure it out together they allow it to divide them. Your husband has to make a conscious to want to work with you instead of against you and not degrade you or women in general especially in front of your daughters.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
His Mom got divorce when he was young and he does not know his real Father so there is deep issues that he denies. He has a brother and he does not get along with him and that's his only sibling, he says he does not care, does not bother him. He has a lot of hate for many people. I call him an ostrich, because he likes to barry his head in the sand so he does not have to face the problems, he works so his mind stays busy (although he does have a very busy business) it helps him stay in the sand and not face things.
He is passive/aggressive.
He thinks he's the one being abused because I contest a lot of what he says to me. He does not value any thing I read to varify that he is not treating me correct, he says everyone has an opionion and this is how he is tuff. He says he is the victim in our relationship. I do not sit by while he does all this to me I do tell him what I think. He does not reach out to me to offer any affection. He makes jokes all the time about having girlfriends. He behaves like a 16 year old. I do not think he will change or try to heal this relationship, he thinks it's all my fault and if I change we would be better.
He has been violent in the past by punching walls and throughing furniture.
I should have left him along time ago. It's my fault, I do not have any family to go to, my sister is mentally ill and the other one is married and cannot help me really although she would support me, she told me to leave along time ago and thought my husband was mean to me. I feel helpless with this situation and I am not really that type of person. I have a small business of my own and help a disabled person part time and teach art classes.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
Customer

 

It may take you leaving for him to see the error of his ways and if it doesn't then you may be better off without the abuse and harassment, I cannot give you legal advice because I'm a relationship expert but a legal expert can tell you what you are entitled to financially from him if you were to leave and I think you should handle the legal aspect before leaving but I would seriously consider taking your daughters and leaving, they could even tell you if you can make him pay for a place to stay while you are gone, they can make it manditory for him to pay so he cannot find excuses of why not to pay. I think you should really sit down and plan out a way out of this marriage he is not going to respect you and isn't willing to change. Please let me know if you want to talk to a legal expert and see what your options are.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I do not have any money to start any of this. Please send me any of the legal advisor's contact info. I feel so broken hearted. I know the life I create for myself when he is not there is so good (althought I yearn for a partner who wants to connected to more then just sex), when he is with me alone he is so not easy to be with, aloof most of the time, I do think he is Bipolar (mild most of the time), his brother is and has it very bad, his mother is (not diagnosed) but has OCD symptoms and these conditions run in his family. When he drinks or is around other people he is different to me (somewhat like I would want him to be most of the time), others have seen him when he becomes down (depressed) and ask what's wrong (because he is always putting on a front to be up beat and the joker of the crowd), he was the class clown in school. He says some of the cruedest things, I am not sure why, some of ours friends say all the time"He's your man", or I do not know how Liz puts up with him, they are joking only sometimes.
I almost wish he would leave me alone and leave all be as it is but that is not pratical or realistic. I am getting ready to go out of town and dread needing any money from him!
I know my husband will continue to blame me for our problems he thinks he almost perfect and well balanced and that most everyone else is not.
Expert:  KimberlyF replied 5 years ago.
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