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Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
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My boyfriend of 6 weeks just dumped me; up to this point, things

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My boyfriend of 6 weeks just dumped me; up to this point, things were going great - he had even proposed to me. Then in one week, his wife refused to sign the divorce papers, refused to give him his assigned property (assigned by the court). In addition, he has a drug addicted daughter who is having trouble. Suddenly he tells me he has to cut everything with me, because he can't be happy while his kids are such a mess, and then tells me that he can't deal with my own divorce things. What do I do? Do I give up the relationship - I really like him, and he seemed to really like me. He told me that he had not loved anyone the way that he loved me. I'm so confused on what I should do - can you please advise?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hello, Cecilia, and thanks for your question.

I'm sorry to hear your experiencing such turmoil.

Did you only know him for 6 weeks, or were you going out for that long, but knew him in some capacity, before then?

Are you now legally divorced?

Are there problems which entered the relationship regarding your divorce and/or related occurrences?

For how long has he been legally separated?

When was the last time you had contact with him?

Thanks for all your additional detail.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cher,

We met online, and were chatting for about a month, then met once, were apart due to travel for 2.5 weeks (though talked/communicated during that time), and then dated for 6 weeks following. I was previously in a relationship with a woman, so there is no legal divorce. I shared this fact with him prior to meeting him and he said he had no issue with it, however now he says that because I have kids with her, he has a hard time dealing with the fact that I will forever be tied to her through the kids. She is now dating a man also though...so I really don't know how "true" this part of his reply is - though I don't want to discount it out of convenience. He has been separated from his wife for 3 years. It seems to have been a very tumultuous process however - they were married for 22 years, he filed for divorce, but she didn't want it and vowed to make his life "hell" - which she seems to be doing. So here's the timeline: two weeks ago he was to pick up his belongings - many of which were missing or broken. The subsequent Friday was the divorce proceeding, where she didn't show up and hadn't signed the papers, contesting various points. Friday afternoon I spoke with him about the events...and beyond that he didn't respond to my call. The following day he turned off his phone and left on a business trip. He sent mail that day saying we should talk Thursday upon his return, with no clue as to why. upon his return he sent mail saying that 1) his kids were messed up, 2) his wife hadn't signed the papers and 3) my same-sex relationship issue noted above, and that maybe it'd be better that we were friends. This was last week. We had a non-productive very short lunch Friday. I spoke with him briefly Sat. a.m., and had one text message with him yesterday and today, both about non-relationship questions. What do I do?

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia, and thanks for your reply with additional and helpful information.

Based upon the information you have included, I think you knew him for too short a time to be in a serious relationship with him. If he proposed to you, this was very premature. I don't want to burst any bubbles you may have re: aspirations for the future of this relationship, but you sound like an intelligent and savvy woman, with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I will be honest with you, although it may not be exactly what you want to hear right now.

While he may have had (and still may have) feelings for you, and enjoyed the time you spent together, right now, he's going through a very stressful time re: his wife refusing to agree to the terms of the divorce, his kids going through emotional trauma due to their parents splitting and not resolving the divorce amicably, and he is in no condition to commit to you, or be in a relationship with ANYBODY.

I do think, from your description of the circumstances and timeline, that yes (I agree with you), he brought up your former same-sex relationship as an 'obstacle' for him, NOW (when he said it didn't bother him earlier), as an excuse and another way to get out of your relationship with him, because things are going south (for him). You did nothing wrong. He is having a crisis of conscience regarding his soon to be ex-wife, his children, the drug-addicted daughter you mentioned, and he's not ready for another relationship right now. Let's face it, he brings a lot of 'baggage', and you don't really need that.

I have no doubt that you got along great, had wonderful times together, and thought you were well-suited for one another, and you may be (or may have been), but at this time in his life, he's in no shape to be able to 'give' to a relationship, what is needed.

I think you should try to let him go, with dignity, and tell him you hope everything straightens out in his life, wish him luck, and move on with *your* life. He might try to continue to speak to you by phone and/or email/text, etc., because you've been a good friend and sounding board for all his troubles, but it might not be a good idea to remain 'friends', if this is not the type of relationship you desire with him. I think if you continue to have contact, it will just be that much more frustrating for you in the end, and prevent you from moving on to seeking out/dating other people. At another time/another place in his life, your relationship might have worked out, but that time is not now.

Try to learn from each experience, and make a mental note to stay away from divorced men whose divorces are not yet final, and/or may still be fighting certain legal battles with their ex-spouses. I realize once there are kids involved, they will be in contact with each other regarding the kids, but try to learn as much as you can about their relationship with their kids/ex, and if there are any existing problems, before you get too close with someone, again.

I know it's a let-down for you and a disappointment, when you counted on this working out, but I do think it would be in your better interest to wish him much good luck and tell him goodbye.

If you would like to discuss this further, I welcome your thoughts.

I will be away from the computer for about an hour, so if you respond, please know that I am not ignoring you, but will reply as soon as I log back on.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks Cher - your advice is most helpful, even though as you say, it's not really what I want to hear.

 

When I re-read my reply above, I don't think one part was clear on my relationship with my ex - while we have been split for years, we have remained living together for the kids; because of our respective relationships however (which includes this relationship being discussed), she has subsequently moved out. I don't know that this would feed insecurities in him or lead him to doubts? I would think it would have done the opposite? I just wanted to clarify, in case that changed your opinion about the impact of my same-sex relationship?

 

If I wanted to remain friends with him - how long should I give things before re-initiating contact with him? I wish I could say his ex will give things up soon, or that his daughter's issues will resolve...though that is obviously not the case. Perhaps this is why he proposed so soon - because he was afraid of things imploding if I discovered all that was going on? He was really secretive about his kids...and he said he was already divorced...so obviously he was wanting to "hide" the details. With all of this though, the hurt in my heart is very deep, and at minimum, I just miss him. I don't really know how to deal with it, even though my head can say it was not a long relationship...it feels much longer.

 

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia, and thanks for your reply.

You're right, I didn't realize that you and your ex were still living together for the sake of the kids, and she has since moved out.

I understand where you're going with this, and while you could be right, that since she moved out while he's known you (correct?), it might have fed some insecurities, doubts, etc., but I agree with you, that this should have had the opposite impact on him, feeling that perhaps you were 'holding on' to some feelings, and now that you're no longer living with her, that issue is no longer an 'issue'. I tend to lean towards the latter, as you have.

I do agree that he may have wanted to make your relationship with him 'official' before you found out about all his family's problems, for fear that might have scared you off. However, he may just be ashamed that you had to find out this way, since everything went wrong on that Friday when he was to finalize the divorce, etc. I didn't ask, but I'm assuming he lives separate from his soon to be ex-wife?

One thing does put up a red flag, though; if he said he was already divorced, and wasn't forthcoming re: his children's problems, etc., which is completely understandable, does this put any doubt in your mind re: has he not been forthcoming with any other details of his life? I'm sure you're a good judge of character, but am just playing 'devil's advocate', here, so you can protect yourself from more unexpected turns.

I understand your deep-down hurt; I'd feel the same way, under the circumstances. If you want to remain friends, you can never tell what will happen down the line, once his issues are resolved, so that's a good idea, if you want to keep in contact with him. I'd give him about 5-7 days with no contact, and then email him with a funny story/joke, etc., someone forwarded to you, or you can 'say' someone forwarded it to you, and you thought of him when you read it, or thought he would like it (make sure this is true, of course!). You might also send him an e-card or a 'real' card by snail mail, that might be appropriate: sort of romantic, but also something friends might send to each other, including some offbeat humor, etc. Ask how he is, how he's doing and how he's feeling, and remind him (subtly) that you're there for him if he ever wants to talk, etc. See how it goes from there.

Things may go favorably for the two of you, down the line, once he has all this stuff off his head, and can fully devote himself to you.

Hope for the best, XXXXX XXXXX hang your heart on your sleeve, until you're absolutely sure, because that will chance you getting it broken.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX have been an enormous help. his lack of being 'upfront' does give me pause; I was surprised at the lack of "final" in the divorce because he was very clear that his divorce was final in February. I didn't know if there was confusion on his part in this, or deceipt. His kid issues...after much prodding, he had told me their issues, but in very vague terms. For example, he says his daughter does drugs...but when asked what kind, his response is "all kinds"...when I know from another source that it's heroin. Would be very hard to deal with, and I'm sure embarassing for him. I can understand it all..but I had heard more details about things there from this alternate source (friend of his ex-wife) than from him...which always gave me concern. So I would say I knew half-truths in these areas, which is never good. He does live separate from his ex though, as you had assumed.

 

I'll use the next week to figure my own self out, and then address him as you suggest if that seems like the path i want to take. I do think he's a great guy...or at least one I want to know, but I need to get my feelings in the right place. Otherwise I fear the card I send will have too many expectations hung on it...and not the "friendly call-out" it's meant to be. I'll need to work on that.

 

Thanks Cher!

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia, and you're most welcome.

I think you're going about this in a very smart way, and being cautious. It IS important and smart, to figure out for yourself, what you would like to do and what would make you the happiest. You have a lot of things to consider, and there's no rush.

If you've heard other details about his situation from a friend of his ex-wife, take them into consideration, but also, remember the source; she may appear to be a 'friend' of YOURS, but is protecting his ex-wife and trying to scare you away.

Please let me know how things are progressing.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18564
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cher,

 

I'm wondering if I could seek your advice once more? In mid-June, my ex had called me, wanting me to come over and meet his brother who was visiting from out of the country. I did...and when I left he told me he loved me (which is not new). The week after..I got a text from him...nothing serious. Since then...I haven't heard from him. It's been two weeks, with no contact. I know last week he was out of town with his family. I want to give him the time he needs to "think" - however to date, I'm thinking he likely hasn't done much of that (due to family, etc). In the meantime...it's all I'm doing. Thinking. I really miss him; while I'm trying to be strong about it, distract myself, etc. I just really want to hear from him. Is it better not to contact him, or should I send him a mail or something? I want to do what's best for me/us/him...while I would love to say I don't want him to come back...in honesty, I do. I don't even know why I feel so strongly about him - whether it's just because I was "dumped" or... Part of it I think was that he was so effusive with his feelings...that he loved me, wanted to be with me forever, etc. I just can't understand how this can just "disappear" so suddenly? I think part of me wants to know that it wasn't just all a lie? Can you give me your opinion on what is best here? I appreciate your thoughts.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia, and thanks for the update on your situation.

It was nice of him to want you to meet his brother in June, and it was also a good 'excuse' for you to see him, again. The two weeks with no contact is understandably upsetting, but because you knew he would be out of town with his family last week, of course you didn't expect any contact; however, if he's back now, it's surprising he hasn't contacted you, yet.

I understand how you feel about him, but it's possible that your strong feelings for him, even in light of the present circumstances, were due to you being 'on the rebound', and actually, he was (is), too. His behavior is so erratic; first he tells you he loves you, then when things get messy with his soon to be ex and his kids, he tells you he wants to just be friends, then he tells you he loves you again....while I completely understand that you want to pursue a relationship with him, and you have strong feelings for him, you seem to always be getting hurt, and wondering about why he's not getting in touch with you. If his divorce is still not final, and his 'ex' didn't want the divorce in the first place, she may be trying to get him back. He has to spend time with his kids, but if his ex is still in the picture, you don't really know what's going on there, so you have to tread carefully.

If you want to send him an email, showing your concern, asking how he is, is everything alright?, etc., that should be fine, for the moment; see what kind of response you get, and take it from there.

I agree with you that his display of affection/verbalizing of feelings so early on, really do not mesh with his present behavior. I don't think it was a lie, and don't sell yourself short; I think he meant what he said when he told you he loved you, he's just very conflicted right now. I think if he COULD be, he'd be with you, but he has so much on his plate right now. I'm not making excuses for him, just pointing out that it's nothing you did, to make him act this way.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
thanks Cher. I don't think he wants or is trying to get back with his ex - I mean - you never know - but I think that's over over. I don't think he's spending much time with his kids - they're 18 and 22? I think that's part of his issue as well - that he would like a better relationship with them, but because of conflicts with their mother and his older daughter's drug habit, it makes it very difficult to happen. Did I mention that he's Turkish? so he has a lot of pride, wants to appear very in control. I'm really torn. I've read many articles on break-ups/reconnecting that say you should distance yourself from the person so that they think you don't care and they reconsider their actions, etc. It probably hasn't been too much help for me, because I really just want to do the best thing, rather than playing games or trying to manipulate him into some action. Consequently though, I don't know if sending him a mail will simply make me look needy and that I'm waiting around for him while he treats me however he wishes (ie...not contacting me, etc), or if it'll truly look like I care about him and am hoping he's doing well. And if he's acting this way...and he's so conflicted...then maybe I should just stay away? Thoughts? Should I just give him more time to see if he does come around and contact me?
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia, and you're most welcome.

It's interesting that you mentioned he's Turkish, because men from other countries/cultures (I'm assuming you're American?) do have a lot of pride and want to appear in control or their masculinity is questioned; well, not so much questioned, but, they HAVE to be 'in charge', so I do understand that.

I don't know if he's purposely playing games with you or just doesn't know what he wants. While I don't think contacting him first through email will seem 'needy', after 2 weeks, you can choose not to do anything and see what his next move is. If you choose to do that, in the meantime, I think it would be a good idea for you to put yourself out there and try to meet other people. You don't have to go into it with the intention of having a serious relationship, at first, but start dating.

You really can't wait around for him to decide what he wants, because his behavior has been so unpredictable, in the recent past. I think it would be good for you, if you put yourself first, and did something that would make you happy, and enable you to meet other people. Maybe he WILL become more attentive if he thinks you're not so into him anymore.....but don't you want someone you can count on to exhibit consistent and loving behavior, all the time?

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks again, Cher. I don't know if he's playing games either; I think he could be partly. I think he feels safe in the fact that I'm just waiting for him... I was laughing two weeks ago when i got a text from him...I'd read how you shouldn't text them back because essentially they get their "fix" and that's all they need and they're gone for awhile again...and that's exactly what happened; no reply. So I'm thinking, he's just a text-book type predictable guy that falls under these "models" of guy behavior... I think his ego is big - and I think he believes i'm just sitting around waiting on him...which is partly why I'm hesitant to contact him even though I really want to. I'm afraid it'll just let him know that I'm still here...which I am. And the whole pride thing feeds into that as well with him. But you are very right in that I don't want these games - and I want someone who loves me - period.

The good thing is that I actually do have a date tonight - so we'll see what happens there. Not at all looking for some speedy replacement relationship...but a date is always a nice thing, albeit nerve wracking. I think I'm having this dilemna today because I'm kind of a close one door, open another type person...and I feel like the last door is not fully closed, at least within myself, and would like to know from my ex whether it's truly closed for him. I don't know if i can get that answer right now though, unfortunately.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear you have a date tonight; that's great! You'll have to let me know how it goes.

I understand what you mean re: not having closure from this other relationship yet, and that irks you, but you are moving on. Don't contact him and see if he contacts you, again. Play it cool and don't let him think you're sitting around waiting for him. This will 'feed' his ego, and he will still be 'in charge' of the direction the relationship is taking. You need to be in charge of your own life and if you're moving on by dating, that is fantastic!

You know what might help? Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle; label one column 'Pros' and the other, 'Cons', and make a list of these items from your relationship with him. If the Cons out-weigh the Pros, it might make it easier for you to 'let go' as it were.

I hope you have a great time tonight! : )

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
And wouldn't you know it...I just mailed him! (before I got your reply) But I kept it very, very light...almost a joke really. So we'll see if he responds...if he doesn't...it'll say a lot. And even if he does, because I kept it so "nothing" (I made some crack about once knowing a guy...did he know him? Asked him how he was, and then sent him a few Turkish phrases that my kids and I learned online that we thought were funny...), he can still feel the "control" if that's where he wants to take it. I guess if from that he thinks I'm sitting around waiting on him...then so be it...because I couldn't really frame it anymore "generically" than I did. I was trying for a "friend" tone...and he can take that to mean what it will. I actually did make a Pro/Con list last week...and I have to say that there were far more Cons than Pros...which is what lends to my own confusion on my feelings. This is where I'm also hoping the date tonight will help - if nothing than to just shake me off my axis. It's why I say, I don't know if my strong feelings are just a result of getting dumped...I think part of me is just disappointed, as my expectations of him as a person were pretty high - and it's very apparent to myself that he didn't meet them? He's not the person I thought he was? Which makes me sad because I thought he was pretty great; it also causes doubt in myself, my intuition and judgement of others, etc. I keep hoping I think that he'll pop out and be the person I thought he was? Maybe it's just not meant to happen though...
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Well, your email does sound 'friendly' and innocent enough for him to take it at face value, or read into it, if he so chooses.

I'm so glad you already made your 'Pro/Con' list. If the Cons outweighed the Pros, then that tells you something. I don't think you should doubt your intuition or judgement, because he made you believe his situation was completely different than it was, in actuality. I think that person can only pop out again, if he changes his life, i.e., his divorce becomes final, he has nothing to do with his ex, and his daughter kicks her drug habit. You saw the 'good' in him, but he did misrepresent himself, so I don't think anything is 'off' with your 'radar'.

Cher
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia.

How was your date on Wednesday?

Have you had any contact with your ex?

Thanks,
Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cher,

 

My date was...good. He was very nice, funny, and enjoyable to be with. I'm not sure how I felt about him - I was really conflicted at times, though didn't show it to him. Overall I had a good time and said I would see him again.

 

After mailing my ex the other day...he responded to one of the Turkish comments I'd made, but that was all. I responded saying that he didn't answer my question on how he was! And he didn't respond. So I took it one step further and phoned him...he didn't answer. I left him a message, saying I would phone him in a half hour or so...just wanted to say hi. I called back, and he didn't answer. Not that big a surprise to me. So I texted him...this time with a more direct message. I told him that we were supposed to be friends, and that sometimes friends talk...on the phone or even in person occasionally. :-) I also told him that he was important to me and I would appreciate talking to him. He left me a message the following day (yesterday), saying among the small talk that he missed me, etc. I did talk to him in the end...and we agreed to see each other Sunday - whether that happens or not, I'm trying to remain cautious, simply because given his pattern, I think the risk is fairly big that the meeting won't happen. I hope it does though. I'd like to (hopefully) get the chance to try and get him to open up about where he is and gain some closure or direction, rather than just an open ended unknown.

I would appreciate your thoughts on the whole exchange?

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia, and thanks for your reply.

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself on your date. I know you had conflicting feelings, but I give you credit for going and enjoying yourself; it's great that you agreed to see him again!

Well, as you stated, there really weren't any surprises in his lack of response, initially, and I do hope he keeps his promise to meet you on Sunday. I think you handled the whole thing very well, and said just the right things; you got him to respond, right? So, you handled yourself very well!

I agree that you definitely need to know where he's at, at this time, to enable you to gain closure in one direction or another. Even if it hurts, you need him to be honest and kind enough to afford you the opportunity to know where you stand. ARE you his friend? Friends return calls and texts sooner than he did.

I do hope your meeting takes place on Sunday, and you learn more than you know, now!

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18564
Experience: Extensive experience as Educator/Teacher, M.A., Counselor, Spouse, Parent, Psychic Advisor
Cher and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks Cher! I really appreciate your candor and well-wishes. I'll let you know what happens! :-)
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
You're most welcome, Cecilia; it was my pleasure to be of help. Thanks very much for your accept and most generous bonus.

Yes, definitely keep me posted! : )

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Cher,

Well..here's the update - we didn't see each other Sunday. I called him and left him a vmail on Saturday at noon, to tell him that I had my kids this weekend, and would he like to come over to my house, for us to go to his house, or to meet another time when I didn't have my kids. I didn't hear from him. So Sunday at noon, I sent him a txt msg, simply saying, "Inquiring minds want to know if we will be seeing you today?" I got no response whatsoever.

In addition, my daughter had his phone number on her phone from the past (for emergencies) - she's 9. She thought it would be funny to call him, and say to him in Turkish, "this is Lexi" - because he had taught this to her. I gave her permission to call - simply because it was about 3 minutes after I'd sent the txt to him asking if we were going to see him (so I didn't know he wasn't going to respond) - I figured he'd simply say whether he was coming or not. so she called, he answered. She said, "Benim adim Lexi - are you coming over for dinner today?"...and he hung up on her.

 

Am I dealing with someone who is mentally unstable? I mean - even if you ignore the hangup (which is hard to do) - give him an excuse that he was caught off-guard and acted immaturely in hanging up - to make plans and not even respond when asked if they are going to happen? He could have sent a txt msg that said, "no....not coming"? I can understand having a change of heart - maybe he was feeling vulnerable on Thursday when I spoke to him - so was saying I miss you, etc. and willing to get together...and then later decided it wasn't something he wanted to do? But the behavior that went with this...makes zero sense to me from a 49 year old man.

 

i think he's depressed...I'm wondering if he's bi-polar, as his daughter is, and I know it runs in families. All of this is obviously "guessing"...but I'm having a heck of time trying to rationalize where I came from with him (meeting, immediate proposal, seemingly great relationship to abrupt end, little to no contact, behavior like what I've said here...yet verbally acting like we're still connected when we do talk). I really don't get it....

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia, and thanks for your update.

I do think it was terribly rude of him to hang up on your young daughter, and it IS possible that he's bi-polar and/or has other mental/emotional issues, prompting his behavior.

When you said you made up to meet with him on Sunday, you also implied you doubted if that would come about, so, you know him pretty well, based upon his past actions.

Even though it's difficult, I think you should try to think less about him, don't make any more attempts at contact, and move on with your life. After being so close with a person, to have him treat you this way is really not nice.

I also think it would be a good idea not to involve the kids in your attempts at contacting him. I know where you were coming from when you did this, and your daughter was obviously willing to help, as it sounds like he established a good relationship with her, but he may have thought it was a sneaky attempt, when you had her call.

While I can understand your attraction for him, I don't think he's a good candidate for a relationship; it certainly sounds like he has many problems of his own, and you don't really want to be part of that, especially with your kids coming first in your life.

Even if he does make contact and tells you oh, he was with his daughter, etc., and couldn't really talk when Lexi called, but he still wants to have contact with you, etc., I don't think you can believe anything he says, now, since it's just 'words', and his words have not turned into actions. He disappointed you, he disappointed your children, and that's just not right.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
:-) Thanks Cher. Everything you say makes sense...even though it's not the way i want it to be, I don't really know that I have a lot of alternatives? I wish I understood what's driving his behavior. A friend of mine asked me why I needed to know that..that all I should need to know is that he's a jackass and to move on? I guess I'd like to think there was some "reason" behind it all? I'll likely never know the reason...which is sad.

Completely agree with you about involving the kids...I was hesitant at the time to allow her to call for just the reason you gave? But then I thought y'know...I don't even care. He's not letting me know what's going on..if he thinks I'm being sneaky, so be it. But I didn't at all expect him to hang up on her...which then goes to affecting her and is not what I wanted at all. When it happened I was instantly sorry..and angry. You actually gave him a good possible excuse...i was thinking how on earth when anyone have the gall to call someone after hanging up on their kid? But then, I guess you never know...
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi Cecilia, and you're most welcome. : )

If you haven't already, just try to 'gloss over' this incident with your daughter, and say he must've been disconnected or his phone lost service (if it was his cell), and you're sure he wouldn't purposely hang up on her. Or, if you've already discussed it with her, just let sleeping dogs lie, and don't bring it up again. You don't want to make it a big deal in her mind.

You're lucky--you have friends who 'tell it like it is', and that particular friend who said that to you, really cares about you and doesn't want to see you hurt or continuing to be hurt. I'm the same way (as you)--I'd also want to know the reason behind his behavior, but finding it out would most likely just cause more emotional 'angst', so don't be your own worst enemy, and try to face that it's over.

To tell you the truth, even if he does call or contact you again, I would advise having the strength to not respond or tell him you can't see/speak to him anymore, and don't make up to meet, as he most likely will pull the same thing. Don't mention him hanging up on your daughter, but if it's really bothering you, do ask, "I'm just curious; why are you acting this way?" since that's the question that's haunting you.

What you had was nice while it lasted, but he's not ready to be with someone like you (nice, intelligent, caring, giving), and you know you deserve much better. Continue to date and have a good time, and look down the future to meeting someone who will treat you as you deserve, and who you won't have to spend so much time 'figuring out'. There's no denying relationships take work, (on both sides) but when it becomes a 'chore', it's no longer enjoyable, so it's best if you put this experience behind you and concentrate on moving forward.

Cher
Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Facing that it's over is the hard part. I'm a very loyal person...and while he's not exhibiting kind behaviors to me, i have a really hard time not lending him excuses (such as, what if he's bi-polar and going through an episode...and I'm giving up on him when he really needs someone...not in a relationship sense, only in a friend-sense). It's that explanation search. But I do know that a) you can't help someone who doesn't want it, and b) even if he were bi-polar/depressive, there's not much I can do outside of encouraging him to get help...which I'm sure his family has likely done. I just get the sense, now that I think about it, that he doesn't really have anyone to help him out - I've offered though...and he hasn't taken it. And he likely doesn't have anyone because of the types of behaviors he's shown to me...pushing everyone away. It just seems very sad... The "good" side of him was so good...and when I was with him I didn't get why he seemed so isolated in some senses...why his connection with his kids was so off...why he and his former spouse were so at odds....this is all likely tied in the same box, I would imagine.

 

I see a counselor each week here locally, that I started seeing 3 weeks ago. He suggested that I bring Aydin in with me, to resolve some of the lingering questions. I laughed...because i knew he would likely not go. But he said I needed to ask him...because I deserved answers and needed to self-advocate. So I sent him a vmail today, carefully scripted...explaining that it was not meant as a counseling appt for him, but as a learning opp. for me to know more about what happened, etc. The counselor told me to be sure to tell him it was not meant to change his mind or direction on anything, and that it was, "very important to me...." that he go. I know he won't go though. I haven't heard from him yet...and I doubt highly I will. If I didn't hear from him about dinner...I certainly doubt I'll hear from him about going to see a counselor...that would be one that personally I think would be a stretch for any ex...simply because I know I personally associate going to a counselor with someone as a means of improving things. But...I had to feel like I at least asked him.

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia.

I'm glad to hear you're seeing a counselor, and I agree with his suggestion, although I, too, think Aydin will not go with you, and most likely not respond to your vmail. But, you're trying and need closure for yourself, in this situation, so it makes sense that he should accompany you to a session and let you know 'why'. But, I think you've resolved yourself to not getting a response from him, but.....stranger things have happened! : )

I understand what you mean re: him needing someone to turn to, if he does have these personality/emotional disorders (bi-polar is classified as a personality disorder), and you've done everything in your power to let him know you're there for him. That's all you can do. Remember, he's a Turkish man....how can he admit he needs help, and help from a woman, no less? It's the old macho gene, combined with his cultural background thrown in; an almost impossible mountain to scale.

Re: having him attend a counseling session with you, will most likely not happen, so hope for the best, XXXXX XXXXX to be disappointed.

Definitely continue going yourself, though, as I think it's helping you deal with the break-up.

Cher

Cher, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks Cher! I will definitely keep going to talk with the counselor - it does help. On Aydin going...I won't even let myself hope at this point, in honesty. I pretty much know in my heart that I won't hear from him, so hoping just seems fruitless and a waste of energy. It makes me sad...because even a week ago he would respond to a text message...now he won't even respond to that (as seen over the weekend...i haven't sent him any additional txts). I know it's not me....but the feeling is still the same unfortunately.

 

I also agree with you that he probably doesn't have ability to ask for help. Do you know, if someone is depressed - does knowing that someone is there help them at all? From my experience with depressed people...nothing helps.

 

I will do my best to be strong if he ever does contact me - I think I'll be so wary, that I doubt I'd be anything to him anyway. I'd like to be his friend one day....one day...but the water has to go way down before the flood can subside, so to speak. This is all just too hard...as much as I miss him...the roller coaster is just too much...and unfortunately now, it's just too much on the uphill side of everything. I don't know what all the problems are that he has...but whatever they are, either he wants to tackle them alone, or doesn't know how to handle them...and as you say, there's not much room for me in there in that. And as you say...there are my kids to think about in all that too...

 

I really appreciate all of the support and kindness you've shown me through all of this. I know I don't know you personally, but very much respect your thoughts and opinions. thank you!

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi again, Cecilia, and you're most welcome; it was my pleasure to be of help. Thanks very much for your accept and most generous bonus, they are greatly appreciated.

Your statement is so right, re: if a person is depressed, even knowing someone is there to help them, doesn't really help, unfortunately. They have to find their way out, themselves, with the help of a professional, and sometimes, medication.

I'm glad you recognize that there is no room for you in his 'messy life' right now. He knows you're there; you've told him you're there, and his pride and/or his illness (if he IS depressed, as depression is an illness) most likely won't let you help. I'm glad you said you'd be wary if you do hear from him again; if we can't learn from life's experiences, no matter how hurtful, what good was going through the hurt? Every relationship will help you learn something different, and you'll carry that knowledge into your next relationship, where *new* things will happen, and from which you'll take away yet another life lesson.

I hope things go more smoothly for you in the coming months and please let me know how you're doing, okay?

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks Cher. this situation is just so new for me - definitely a learning experience. I mean...I'm 43, not even young...have had many relationships long and short...and this one takes the cake for whirlwind, troubling, and filled with lack of understanding on my part. But I think emotionally I need to move on...because it's draining me completely. I'm tired all the time, cry far too often for no apparent reason, and am distracted overall from life. That's been the case for 5 weeks now...so it's taking its toll and isn't healthy.

 

I'm relatively certain Aydin is depressed; when I spoke with him several weeks ago he said he was tired all the time, and he said he felt it was more emotional than physical. I asked him then if he was depressed and he got quiet and said he didn't know. whether it goes beyond a basic depression or something more chemical will remain to be seen. But even when I spoke to him last week, he sounded very down, very tired... His excuse to me initially was that he couldn't be happy as long as his kids were a mess...meaning that with me he's happy, he feels guilty about it...and I would assume that it would be an unhappy distraction for him if he stayed with me. Sad thing is though - those issues are not easily or quickly solved - and that decision makes me go, well...if that's truly the case...you're very noble to want to resolve your issues despite losing something that brings happiness to you in the process. Personally...I think it's a load of hooey. I believed it initially - but figured it would be a short-term decision, once he realized that "fixing" his kids would not be quick...who wants to choose unhappiness when there's no light at the end for ending it? And since that's not happening..it's only getting more extreme...well, who knows. I think there's something more at play that's he's not being forthcoming about...whether it's personal, conscious/sub-conscious, etc. but overall...it's just very sad. I hope he sorts it out.

 

I'll stay in touch! :-)

Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi Cecilia,

I agree with you, that if he's depressed about the state of his children, and seems to have chosen not to carry on a relationship which brought him happiness, until this problem is straightened out, it's either an excuse or he's deluding himself, for the reasons you mentioned.

The symptoms you describe re: yourself sound like they could be those of depression as well. You need to consciously stop putting so much of yourself into thinking about him. YOU decide it's over, because the situation is not good for you or your kids. I know you'll still think about him everyday, and wonder what 'could have been', but when your thoughts turn to him, distract yourself with something that will make you happy. As long as you know you're doing it (thinking about him), you can stop the behavior.

I also agree that he wasn't forthcoming with you about several things and that would add more to my anger and feeling deceived, than feeling sad for him. I've always said, I can abide stupidity or ignorance; if you didn't know, you didn't know, and it was unfortunate. BUT, I will never abide lying. If a man lies to you or will not be forthcoming, he just can't be trusted to tell the truth in the future.

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Cher,
Thanks for your thoughts once again! I agree that I might be on the borderline of depression myself; I've wondered lately, and know the need to snap out of it before it takes any kind of stronghold. I'll definitely try as you suggest, to switch gears thought-wise and keep things in more positive territory; it's kind of like a sore tooth that my tongue wants to keep poking at, and I think it's time to just try and let it go. I know at times that will be easier said than done...but dwelling on it at this point isn't leading anywhere but down. There are just so many things that don't add up - whether it was lies or just strange behavior, I'll likely never know. As you say though...deception was definitely part of the whole picture, and the more I've thought about how things don't add up, the more I wonder about many things. Which again is why I say it doesn't do a whole lot of good to keep dwelling on it, because as you say, the relationship wouldn't be good for me, or my kids. I do know that life will look up. :-) Just have to keep working to get past all of this...
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
Hi Cecilia,

Your attitude is so great! : ) I like the direction in which you're thinking, and your analogy re: your tongue poking the bad tooth is SO true!

You know what might help? Pretend you're writing him a letter, expressing how you feel right now and how disappointed you were in his behavior, etc. Let it ALL out. BUT, don't ever send the letter. Just getting it down on paper helps you get rid of these feelings. I've done it, it WORKS! : )

Cher
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
HI Cher! I took your advice, and wrote my pretend letter, which was very enlightening in a lot of ways, when you put all the red flags in one place. It was like, wow... So I was feeling over all pretty good... and then the whole tongue poking the bad tooth thing kicked in when i went on match.com (because I'd gotten some kind of mail from someone) and checked his profile, to see that while he hadn't been "on" yesterday...voila - he's been on there. And y'know..it was probably a good reality moment for me - because it honestly shows where he is. He's not the poor depressed guy I thought he was... He's just the overall jerk I didn't want him to be. I guess there really are all kinds...wolves in sheeps clothing so to speak. I'm the wiser now, I guess...
Expert:  Cher replied 5 years ago.
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