We met online, and were chatting for about a month, then met once, were apart due to travel for 2.5 weeks (though talked/communicated during that time), and then dated for 6 weeks following. I was previously in a relationship with a woman, so there is no legal divorce. I shared this fact with him prior to meeting him and he said he had no issue with it, however now he says that because I have kids with her, he has a hard time dealing with the fact that I will forever be tied to her through the kids. She is now dating a man also though...so I really don't know how "true" this part of his reply is - though I don't want to discount it out of convenience. He has been separated from his wife for 3 years. It seems to have been a very tumultuous process however - they were married for 22 years, he filed for divorce, but she didn't want it and vowed to make his life "hell" - which she seems to be doing. So here's the timeline: two weeks ago he was to pick up his belongings - many of which were missing or broken. The subsequent Friday was the divorce proceeding, where she didn't show up and hadn't signed the papers, contesting various points. Friday afternoon I spoke with him about the events...and beyond that he didn't respond to my call. The following day he turned off his phone and left on a business trip. He sent mail that day saying we should talk Thursday upon his return, with no clue as to why. upon his return he sent mail saying that 1) his kids were messed up, 2) his wife hadn't signed the papers and 3) my same-sex relationship issue noted above, and that maybe it'd be better that we were friends. This was last week. We had a non-productive very short lunch Friday. I spoke with him briefly Sat. a.m., and had one text message with him yesterday and today, both about non-relationship questions. What do I do?
Thanks Cher - your advice is most helpful, even though as you say, it's not really what I want to hear.
When I re-read my reply above, I don't think one part was clear on my relationship with my ex - while we have been split for years, we have remained living together for the kids; because of our respective relationships however (which includes this relationship being discussed), she has subsequently moved out. I don't know that this would feed insecurities in him or lead him to doubts? I would think it would have done the opposite? I just wanted to clarify, in case that changed your opinion about the impact of my same-sex relationship?
If I wanted to remain friends with him - how long should I give things before re-initiating contact with him? I wish I could say his ex will give things up soon, or that his daughter's issues will resolve...though that is obviously not the case. Perhaps this is why he proposed so soon - because he was afraid of things imploding if I discovered all that was going on? He was really secretive about his kids...and he said he was already divorced...so obviously he was wanting to "hide" the details. With all of this though, the hurt in my heart is very deep, and at minimum, I just miss him. I don't really know how to deal with it, even though my head can say it was not a long relationship...it feels much longer.
Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX have been an enormous help. his lack of being 'upfront' does give me pause; I was surprised at the lack of "final" in the divorce because he was very clear that his divorce was final in February. I didn't know if there was confusion on his part in this, or deceipt. His kid issues...after much prodding, he had told me their issues, but in very vague terms. For example, he says his daughter does drugs...but when asked what kind, his response is "all kinds"...when I know from another source that it's heroin. Would be very hard to deal with, and I'm sure embarassing for him. I can understand it all..but I had heard more details about things there from this alternate source (friend of his ex-wife) than from him...which always gave me concern. So I would say I knew half-truths in these areas, which is never good. He does live separate from his ex though, as you had assumed.
I'll use the next week to figure my own self out, and then address him as you suggest if that seems like the path i want to take. I do think he's a great guy...or at least one I want to know, but I need to get my feelings in the right place. Otherwise I fear the card I send will have too many expectations hung on it...and not the "friendly call-out" it's meant to be. I'll need to work on that.
I'm wondering if I could seek your advice once more? In mid-June, my ex had called me, wanting me to come over and meet his brother who was visiting from out of the country. I did...and when I left he told me he loved me (which is not new). The week after..I got a text from him...nothing serious. Since then...I haven't heard from him. It's been two weeks, with no contact. I know last week he was out of town with his family. I want to give him the time he needs to "think" - however to date, I'm thinking he likely hasn't done much of that (due to family, etc). In the meantime...it's all I'm doing. Thinking. I really miss him; while I'm trying to be strong about it, distract myself, etc. I just really want to hear from him. Is it better not to contact him, or should I send him a mail or something? I want to do what's best for me/us/him...while I would love to say I don't want him to come back...in honesty, I do. I don't even know why I feel so strongly about him - whether it's just because I was "dumped" or... Part of it I think was that he was so effusive with his feelings...that he loved me, wanted to be with me forever, etc. I just can't understand how this can just "disappear" so suddenly? I think part of me wants to know that it wasn't just all a lie? Can you give me your opinion on what is best here? I appreciate your thoughts.
Thanks again, Cher. I don't know if he's playing games either; I think he could be partly. I think he feels safe in the fact that I'm just waiting for him... I was laughing two weeks ago when i got a text from him...I'd read how you shouldn't text them back because essentially they get their "fix" and that's all they need and they're gone for awhile again...and that's exactly what happened; no reply. So I'm thinking, he's just a text-book type predictable guy that falls under these "models" of guy behavior... I think his ego is big - and I think he believes i'm just sitting around waiting on him...which is partly why I'm hesitant to contact him even though I really want to. I'm afraid it'll just let him know that I'm still here...which I am. And the whole pride thing feeds into that as well with him. But you are very right in that I don't want these games - and I want someone who loves me - period.
The good thing is that I actually do have a date tonight - so we'll see what happens there. Not at all looking for some speedy replacement relationship...but a date is always a nice thing, albeit nerve wracking. I think I'm having this dilemna today because I'm kind of a close one door, open another type person...and I feel like the last door is not fully closed, at least within myself, and would like to know from my ex whether it's truly closed for him. I don't know if i can get that answer right now though, unfortunately.
My date was...good. He was very nice, funny, and enjoyable to be with. I'm not sure how I felt about him - I was really conflicted at times, though didn't show it to him. Overall I had a good time and said I would see him again.
After mailing my ex the other day...he responded to one of the Turkish comments I'd made, but that was all. I responded saying that he didn't answer my question on how he was! And he didn't respond. So I took it one step further and phoned him...he didn't answer. I left him a message, saying I would phone him in a half hour or so...just wanted to say hi. I called back, and he didn't answer. Not that big a surprise to me. So I texted him...this time with a more direct message. I told him that we were supposed to be friends, and that sometimes friends talk...on the phone or even in person occasionally. :-) I also told him that he was important to me and I would appreciate talking to him. He left me a message the following day (yesterday), saying among the small talk that he missed me, etc. I did talk to him in the end...and we agreed to see each other Sunday - whether that happens or not, I'm trying to remain cautious, simply because given his pattern, I think the risk is fairly big that the meeting won't happen. I hope it does though. I'd like to (hopefully) get the chance to try and get him to open up about where he is and gain some closure or direction, rather than just an open ended unknown.
I would appreciate your thoughts on the whole exchange?
Well..here's the update - we didn't see each other Sunday. I called him and left him a vmail on Saturday at noon, to tell him that I had my kids this weekend, and would he like to come over to my house, for us to go to his house, or to meet another time when I didn't have my kids. I didn't hear from him. So Sunday at noon, I sent him a txt msg, simply saying, "Inquiring minds want to know if we will be seeing you today?" I got no response whatsoever.
In addition, my daughter had his phone number on her phone from the past (for emergencies) - she's 9. She thought it would be funny to call him, and say to him in Turkish, "this is Lexi" - because he had taught this to her. I gave her permission to call - simply because it was about 3 minutes after I'd sent the txt to him asking if we were going to see him (so I didn't know he wasn't going to respond) - I figured he'd simply say whether he was coming or not. so she called, he answered. She said, "Benim adim Lexi - are you coming over for dinner today?"...and he hung up on her.
Am I dealing with someone who is mentally unstable? I mean - even if you ignore the hangup (which is hard to do) - give him an excuse that he was caught off-guard and acted immaturely in hanging up - to make plans and not even respond when asked if they are going to happen? He could have sent a txt msg that said, "no....not coming"? I can understand having a change of heart - maybe he was feeling vulnerable on Thursday when I spoke to him - so was saying I miss you, etc. and willing to get together...and then later decided it wasn't something he wanted to do? But the behavior that went with this...makes zero sense to me from a 49 year old man.
i think he's depressed...I'm wondering if he's bi-polar, as his daughter is, and I know it runs in families. All of this is obviously "guessing"...but I'm having a heck of time trying to rationalize where I came from with him (meeting, immediate proposal, seemingly great relationship to abrupt end, little to no contact, behavior like what I've said here...yet verbally acting like we're still connected when we do talk). I really don't get it....
Facing that it's over is the hard part. I'm a very loyal person...and while he's not exhibiting kind behaviors to me, i have a really hard time not lending him excuses (such as, what if he's bi-polar and going through an episode...and I'm giving up on him when he really needs someone...not in a relationship sense, only in a friend-sense). It's that explanation search. But I do know that a) you can't help someone who doesn't want it, and b) even if he were bi-polar/depressive, there's not much I can do outside of encouraging him to get help...which I'm sure his family has likely done. I just get the sense, now that I think about it, that he doesn't really have anyone to help him out - I've offered though...and he hasn't taken it. And he likely doesn't have anyone because of the types of behaviors he's shown to me...pushing everyone away. It just seems very sad... The "good" side of him was so good...and when I was with him I didn't get why he seemed so isolated in some senses...why his connection with his kids was so off...why he and his former spouse were so at odds....this is all likely tied in the same box, I would imagine.
I see a counselor each week here locally, that I started seeing 3 weeks ago. He suggested that I bring Aydin in with me, to resolve some of the lingering questions. I laughed...because i knew he would likely not go. But he said I needed to ask him...because I deserved answers and needed to self-advocate. So I sent him a vmail today, carefully scripted...explaining that it was not meant as a counseling appt for him, but as a learning opp. for me to know more about what happened, etc. The counselor told me to be sure to tell him it was not meant to change his mind or direction on anything, and that it was, "very important to me...." that he go. I know he won't go though. I haven't heard from him yet...and I doubt highly I will. If I didn't hear from him about dinner...I certainly doubt I'll hear from him about going to see a counselor...that would be one that personally I think would be a stretch for any ex...simply because I know I personally associate going to a counselor with someone as a means of improving things. But...I had to feel like I at least asked him.
Thanks Cher! I will definitely keep going to talk with the counselor - it does help. On Aydin going...I won't even let myself hope at this point, in honesty. I pretty much know in my heart that I won't hear from him, so hoping just seems fruitless and a waste of energy. It makes me sad...because even a week ago he would respond to a text message...now he won't even respond to that (as seen over the weekend...i haven't sent him any additional txts). I know it's not me....but the feeling is still the same unfortunately.
I also agree with you that he probably doesn't have ability to ask for help. Do you know, if someone is depressed - does knowing that someone is there help them at all? From my experience with depressed people...nothing helps.
I will do my best to be strong if he ever does contact me - I think I'll be so wary, that I doubt I'd be anything to him anyway. I'd like to be his friend one day....one day...but the water has to go way down before the flood can subside, so to speak. This is all just too hard...as much as I miss him...the roller coaster is just too much...and unfortunately now, it's just too much on the uphill side of everything. I don't know what all the problems are that he has...but whatever they are, either he wants to tackle them alone, or doesn't know how to handle them...and as you say, there's not much room for me in there in that. And as you say...there are my kids to think about in all that too...
I really appreciate all of the support and kindness you've shown me through all of this. I know I don't know you personally, but very much respect your thoughts and opinions. thank you!
Thanks Cher. this situation is just so new for me - definitely a learning experience. I mean...I'm 43, not even young...have had many relationships long and short...and this one takes the cake for whirlwind, troubling, and filled with lack of understanding on my part. But I think emotionally I need to move on...because it's draining me completely. I'm tired all the time, cry far too often for no apparent reason, and am distracted overall from life. That's been the case for 5 weeks now...so it's taking its toll and isn't healthy.
I'm relatively certain Aydin is depressed; when I spoke with him several weeks ago he said he was tired all the time, and he said he felt it was more emotional than physical. I asked him then if he was depressed and he got quiet and said he didn't know. whether it goes beyond a basic depression or something more chemical will remain to be seen. But even when I spoke to him last week, he sounded very down, very tired... His excuse to me initially was that he couldn't be happy as long as his kids were a mess...meaning that with me he's happy, he feels guilty about it...and I would assume that it would be an unhappy distraction for him if he stayed with me. Sad thing is though - those issues are not easily or quickly solved - and that decision makes me go, well...if that's truly the case...you're very noble to want to resolve your issues despite losing something that brings happiness to you in the process. Personally...I think it's a load of hooey. I believed it initially - but figured it would be a short-term decision, once he realized that "fixing" his kids would not be quick...who wants to choose unhappiness when there's no light at the end for ending it? And since that's not happening..it's only getting more extreme...well, who knows. I think there's something more at play that's he's not being forthcoming about...whether it's personal, conscious/sub-conscious, etc. but overall...it's just very sad. I hope he sorts it out.
I'll stay in touch! :-)